Sunshine and Moons

Finding Joy

2012-02-16T07:13:00.001-08:00

The Lord has been reminding me to find joy amongst pain, just as he did so can I b/c He will never give me more than I can handle.

Laugh and the world laughs with you

Weep and you weep alone

For this sad old earth must borrow it's mirth

But it has troubles enough of its own

Sing and the hills will answer

Sigh it is lost in the air

The echos sound to a joyful sound

But shrink from voicing care

Feast and your halls are crowded

Fast and the world goes by

Succeed and give and it helps you live

But no man can help you die

In the halls of pleasure

There is room for a long and lofty train

But one by one we must all file

Through the narrow aisles of pain

~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

At some point in high school I memorized this poem and have never forgotten it. It is a reminder to me of what the world tells us versus the truth. Yes, suffering is hard. Yes, struggling is hard. Yes, it may be a narrow aisle but we are never alone if we have Christ. We have hope. The other day we were talking about the church as the body, community and/or family. Are we really all of these or any of these to each other?I hope so but in a busy world how often do we take the time to show we care? Think about it, smile when you don't feel like it. You never know who might be weeping inside and might just laugh out in thankfulness for the small pleasures of joy!

My prayer

2012-02-04T09:13:00.000-08:00

The Lord has been so good to me and brought me through so much, even when I cannot see past the pain He always brings me through. Prayer has gotten me through so many things in life and I am so thankful that He gives us so many different ways to worship him and for prayer (Him giving himself both literally and physically as a friend when it seems there is no one there.)This is my prayer for the day I hope it encourages you feel free to pray it for yourself too but you don't have to.

Master grant me the ability to do whatever it is you call me to

Humble me under your mighty hand

Waiting till time is due

Bless me with heavenly knowledge and wisdom too

May my eyes not look to the world but you

Casting my cares

Entrusting then to your mighty hand

May you filter them too

Strength to love others

And see them as you do

Strength to not get bogged down by the world

But to be so caught up in you

Author, Perfecter, Teacher, Creator too

Father you are wondrous beyond imaginable

Only thing tried and true

Bless me with the ability to lead a life that glorifies and honors you

Through humility and pain

Darkness and rain

May I love the world but not be of it to

Like you

Make me a shining example

Of your love

Through and through

For my life is not mine to own

But yours alone

Thanks cannot describe the things you've brought me through

You are my shepherd

I am your lamb

To you I yield my paw, my hand

I realize you're not through

Lead me in the path of your glory

So that my life may honor Thee

A small tribute to the cross

I cling

Eyes no longer blinded

No longer lame

No need to hide in a tree

For you my Savior

Every day dine with me

Cleanse me with your blood

Make me clean

May my life be full of days

Worthy of Thee

Grant me todays day a day worthy of Thee

Worthy of Thee

Help me instill a bit of heaven in everything

In everything

Amen.

Synagogue Years

2012-02-01T06:25:00.000-08:00

" 'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this lifeIs the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise"~Laura Story

Wow! So yesterday I hit a low point. The Father humbled me under his mighty hand and I know in due time I will be lifted up. But this is not about me but Christ in me. Learning to let go of my will to pursue his. Paul cried many tears on the journey but God was faithful to him and he to Christ. I don't believe in running myself dry and although I learned a lot at BSF last night I truly believe that sometimes the best way we can serve is by giving our time to God. I know right now my energy and strength are low but He will never give me more than I can handle.

My mom told me "People in the church don't know how to rest, they are always substituting activity for intimacy with the Lord." While I do believe we must be active Christians like Paul I also believe that some of his actions were more about time than the activity itself. He allowed others to rest in Christ peace. I do believe that he rested as he prayed in the synagogues, but how much is talked about that in our culture? The 2 years, the few days? No, it's not but it is equally important.

Right now my way of serving God and others is through having time. We do not always have the luxury of this and this might not even be possible in your life but it never hurts to pray you'll get there. One thing that stood out that I miss so much about Laos is the face to face conversations with friends no matter the time or day, being together and living life, grading papers in a room together or reading a book as people sit around me and work on various activities.

Yes, right now, every day (well, let's be realistic almost every day)I wake up and what gets me through the day full of confusion, strife, frustration and various stresses? Jesus, Jesus gets me through. He gets me through prayer, his words, dreams and friends. All of these are his tools for right now I am in His synagogue praying for what the future holds. He humbles me continually and gives me strength reminding me that he is there always. The little blessings that bring such joy are my talks with Lao friends a far, my BSF group and a few friends here and there that I am still in the process of getting to know but are willing to take the time out for me and meet me face to face.

Too often we say serve here, serve there, serve NOW! For there will always be a need. Not there is anything wrong with this this is definitely honorable and necessary. But we forget that people need time to grow, to prepare their hearts before they burn out. In due time all should serve the church and community but in due time, because sometimes the Lord just wants us on our knees in the synagogues.

Bittersweet Days

2012-01-24T13:32:00.000-08:00

Today I am super sad. You see the tree in the picture, well that tree is gone. It has been gone for awhile due to construction but now they took away two others. I'm such a tree hugger! I mean what can possibly be so important that we don't need trees anymore. Sufficating in the mess being created.

Today I am also starting to tutor a Chinese Doctorate student. She is really sweet but pulled an Asian idea of time on me. LOL! We were suppose to meet at 12:40 for lunch and then I would leave around 1:30 to go to class but at 12:40 she called me and said "No, I'm not here." "Where are you?" I asked. She said "In my office working what time will we meet?" Trying not to be impatient I wanted to say "Um duh hello now!" but supressing my frustration I said " Well, I thought we were going to meet now?" Her response "Oh well I am busy can we meet after lunch?" Me "Well, that won't work for me I have class till 3:30 (which ended up letting out early) How about 4pm?" "Okay" then we discussed where.

So it has just been one of those days worthy of laughs. Two hours of time today I could have waisted today but you know then again rather than being frustrated I choose to use some of it to pray. Thank you Father for giving me pain so that I can see your pain. Thank you God for frustration that keeps me on my toes and reminds me of my own flaws. Thanks for friends and families to pray for but most of all thank you for this time of being no matter how many emotions rummage through my head I know that you are more important than anything on this earth I could love. Thank you for loving me and accepting me as the wretch I am. Thank you!

Dreams

2012-01-16T07:29:00.001-08:00

Awh How I miss Laos somedays and the laughter of innocence. During one teacher workshop my first year teaching a lady was teaching on Martin Luther King Jr. and dreams, granted she was also breaking up the lesson so that the Lao could teach it if they like. Anyways, I was discussing together with two other teachers about their dreams and how they could accomplish them. One of the teachers said "Kat, Oh I have lots of dreams and wonderful things that I think about but I mean I just could never do what he did." I turned to her and said "Why not?" She looked at me as if why was I asking the most ignorant question of all times and head jerk backed said "Duh, he was a king!" I giggled a little but tried not to too much before explaining that that was his last name. She found that so odd. Thankfully both of these teachers spoke great English so I could clear it up a little. The things we never think about until they happen, such easy misunderstandings.

Martin Luther King Jr. may not have been a king but he was a wise man. "Like anybody, I, would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now.I just want to do God's will." He understood that although he was not a King he served a greater King, the King of All Kings. We may not be queens, kings, princesses, or princes but we are in some ways because we are all God's children. He loved and created each and everyone of us for his pleasure and glory. As it talks about in Philippians 4:13 we can do all things because he gives us the strength too. Don't give up on dreams just make sure that they are not just your dreams but also the dreams he has for you. For God's plans are not man's plans(Isaiah 55:8, Proverbs 16:9) but he has far better things out there.

God's so Creative

2012-01-08T15:38:00.000-08:00

For those of you who known me long enough you know I have always had an obsession with colors, believe that everything is somehow connected and has meaning, but I cannot always connect the dots but God can.

As I have been reading Isaiah over break I have been reminded of what a creative God we serve. He is many things Sustainer, Teacher, Friend, etc..but how often do we say creative. I mean we know he created everything, is both concrete and abstract, is the "I am" but creative as in thinks outside the box. Creative as in connects things and gives them meaning. Creative as in goes before and does things in a way that others aren't willing to try. Yeah, He's the most creative being alive!

Isaiah 1:18-Did you know that scarlet and crimson are dyes that both come from the coccus ilicis? This worm climbs a tree, lays eggs, then coats itself with reddish liquid killing itself and sealing it's offspring so that when they are born they can feed off of its body. Wow! The foreshadowing of Christ in his creation. Amazing! Read this article to know more Insects:Incredible and Inspirational

Isaiah 54:11-12 -Did you also know that sapphire is often used to describe heaven or more accurately lapis lazuli which means intensely blue. One article I read said "Stones in themselves have no power, but they do speak of the power and glory of our God."

So true- what do we reflect? We ourselves have no power but we can hope that the light shining through us reflects the power of Christ.

Isaiah 41-Even the trees he chooses to use have significance- the cypress, myrtle, olive and fir are all almost impossible to kill some because of their roots, some because of their cones or seeds but represent the everlasting one.

Then there is acacia which literally means cries or expels water only our King can truly satisfy our thirst. There is so much more ingenious displayed in his word and I am sure that I don't even know the half of it, but I know there is always more to learn from Him.

Today I am so thankful for a God who cares about the little things and is big enough to conquer even them. He cares about what interest us whether it be sports or painting, writing or sleeping, etcetera and he covers all grounds. He is truly amazing, patient and creative filled with a love that only He can give. Thank you for dying for me, loving me as I am and accepting me as your flawed daughter. May I never quit learning from your examples Lord!

From death to life-life's too short for worries

2011-12-19T22:13:00.001-08:00

This morning a friend texted me canceling our lunch plans because she had a stomach bug. My first reaction was to think how long is she going to live? Is it deadly? Then I remembered I wasn't in Laos. Relieved that death was no longer an issue I texted her back offering to help out in anyway I could if possible. She told me she might have me get her some food later.

You see one of my Lao teachers taught me that there are four basic resources food/water (these were one), shelter, clothing and medicine. I knew my friend had all of these. She has an air conditioner she can sit under and not worry in ((Lao weather)70-120 degree heat) that it will rack up the bill if she dare turns it on or heat in this cold (shelter), a television and movies that work(shelter), food in her fridge or the resources to go buy what she needs(food), access to a bed to sleep in where karaoking neighbors don't deafen your ears(medicine), a shower with clean water and her own bathroom. I have all of these too. If we need to we can go to clean hospitals, doctors no matter the time day or night, etc. In America we are also given the luxury of privacy. It's not a bad thing just as long as we sometimes let people in. You see when I went to drop off the food I was secretly pleased that she didn't invite me in. I like to be alone most of the time when I am sick, unless it is a migraine (some people don't some people do). I don't mind taking care of others but sometimes it is nice just to help from a far, way less stress. Besides I have an irrational fear of getting infected and infecting someone else who then in turn dies. Being responsible for something, blaming myself when it is not my burden to carry. Anyways, I like my privacy and that is one part of Laos I don't miss.

I miss Laos so much but I don't miss the ever present reminder of death. A team member once talked about how he wanted to put a little piece of heaven inside of others. It reminded me that life is short. You see in Lao culture if someone is sick you bungyang (watch everything about them) or hacksa(slowly love them). So many people from many walks of life and varying degrees of friendship I sat with while they were sick and they sat with me. Why? Because there if someone is sick they might not be here tomorrow. Some of the most gentle souls I have known have been a heart beat away from death and others didn't make it. It broke my heart, still does. Yet we are not meant to carry the pain only the faith. While I love my privacy I also love this sense of community, loving others and just being the being and not just the human. Was it worth the embarrassing awkwardness? Yes! Would I do it if it didn't mean so much to others? No. However, there understanding of faith, hope and love blows me away. Father you bless us all in different ways.

You don't ask us to do or be anything but your children yet sin was/is our sickness. It's the virus all human beings carry, yet we all gave you all our different strains to bear and you took them willingly. You knew death was inevitable. You died so we might have life.Your power cleansed us yet we run back to each other infected for more infection only for you to heal us once more. How does this connect? We have resources and we need to share them. I'm not meaning letting people in when you are sick instead of resting either. You follow? Slowing loving others to faith, taking the time out for one another no matter how busy our schedule, doing the things that make others have a little taste of heaven in them. It's not just about doing but being, being yours Father, being completely present wherever we are. Trusting you and not carrying burdens we are not meant to.

Thank you for the gift of life after death. You know it is hard for me sometimes because of the greed people seem to have here, they have so much and they still aren't continent. We'll one of my Lao friends told me there are greedy people everywhere I just might not see it as much there. Anyways, Father please teach people how to remember it's about giving because we have been given so much(not because we think it will get us in better standing or feel entitled) and receiving because we love one another despite our viruses and were loved first(not because we are worthy ourselves but because you make us worthy.) Thanks for being the reason for my season!

A picture of A picture

2011-12-07T04:50:00.000-08:00

I feel like I remember so much about my grandparents but especially him because he was around the longest. He was the humblest man I think I will ever meet. A wise friend (Ian Dierden)once said " You may spend a lot of time listening but how much time do you spend just being. God calls us to camp before we move on as individuals or a family." Papa was the best example of being. Lao people do this well too but us Americans are so busy I find most people forget to. He waited 10 years without his wife so that he could bless us unselfishly and see us grow. The night before he died he was talking to my cousin Christy who was pregnant and said " I really want to live to see my great grand baby but I miss your Grandma too." He had quotes everywhere but rarely spoke but wrote reminders on the backs of so many things. Two of my favorites that my dad read at his funeral are

1.From Patrick Henry Last Will and Testament "I have now disposed of all my property to my family. There is one thing more I wish I could give them, and that is faith in Jesus Christ. If they had that and I had not given them one shilling, they would be rich. And if I had not given them that, and had given them all the world they would be poor indeed.

2.On Papa's office wall there was the quote "Jesus paid a debt He didn't owe- because we had a debt we couldn't pay." Below it he had typed using his keyboard "He paid a debt he didn't owe, I owed a debt I could not pay. I needed someone to wash my sins away. And now I sing a brand new song -Amazing Grace- Christ paid a debt that I could never pay."

This poem I wrote the day Papa after Papa died.

Papa's gone to heaven

To be where the angels sing

Nana's waiting by his side

Wearing his golden ring

She smacks him on the back and loudly says "I've been waiting for you Eugene."

With that he chuckles

Oh Martha we all know the things we've both seen

But those don't even begin to describe this celestial peace

From physical to spiritual being

Those on earth sit back and dream

But little do they know

That diamond in the rough

That ended years ago

That jewel that sparkled

Never forgotten

If only they had gotten

If only they had known

And then he paused

With that the teacher then replied "The earth is not our home."

Our ways may change

Our abilities

But the love we leave behind is our truest legacy

Then the postman responded

Knowing that the heart does not ache

Due to ones fate

But knows what is right, just, honorable and does accordingly

Living under God's rules

On heaven or on earth

That is what makes

Life have value

Life have worth

And with that they grasped arms

Walking into God's gate of light

His presence their coat of arms that penetrated them through

With that Martha set her head on his shoulder and replied

Oh Eugene I love you, always have, always will

Oh you don't know how I've been waiting for you

And with that Papa replied

"Oh but I do

My prayers are no longer postage stamps

Sent through heavenly mail

But once again they rest on my shoulder

Thanks to all of Gods love, grace and care

This retired postman sits with his postmaster

And the greatest invitation from disaster

With that she kissed him

And they were off

No more did I see

But I could hear the angels sing the words "Glory, Glory"

Before I drifted back to reality

I'm not sure where this was taken but I found this picture of us the other day. Yesterday I carried it with me and probably will today too. Yes it is a picture of a picture, but if you read below that is what I hope to be to you. Last night at BSF I thought I had lost it and ran back inside as they were locking up. A lady was so kind as to ask if everything was okay I began to cry and said I lost the picture of my grandfather who died for years ago around today. She helped me look and even went back to me to my car to look through all my stuff. We didn't find it. Then I opened my notes notebook and there it was. I ran back inside to show her and she was so sweet about it. She had taken my group leaders and my name. She never treated me like it was stupid and although we were strangers she treated me with dignity. When someone had asked what is going on she replied "She lost something important to her and we are trying to find it." This is just one of the reasons I love BSF. Last night as the speaker spoke all of this is what was on my mind but I am so thankful for a place to go where no matter your background you are accepted and can learn more. For while it gives me great knowledge their is compassion met too and grace. Then she waited as I walked back to my car and made sure I got in safely. A stranger cared for me.

Why do you say all this? Well, because no matter where you are you can be a picture of a picture of Christ to others. You see?

A glimpse of Christ in me or at least that is what I hope it to be

2011-12-07T03:13:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I pondered the lives of my grandparents. God chose to take 3 of the 4 of them away on the same day different years. You guessed it December 7th. Grandfather Hogan (Robert Edward Hogan) was the first to go in 1996. I was 13. Then three years later in 1999 He took Nana(( Martha Elizabeth (Hamill) English)). I was 16. He graced me with the presence of Papa ( Eugene Wesley English) for another 7 years before he too went to be with the Lord. The date of Papa's death is debated because he died in the night alone. I will swear till my dieing day that it is December 7th because that night( guess earlier that morning) while taking a study break from my Arkansas history test at 2:37 am a feeling of grief overwhelmed me and I remember saying out load to myself "Someone is dead." I went to bed and woke up a few hours later to review before taking a test I would thankfully ace. Anyways, 19 missed calls later my dad shared the news. My dad and I had been both been given a peace when we saw him around Thanksgiving that that might be the last time we saw him. In the chaos of finals I hadn't put together two and two.

Last night I wrote 8 pages honoring their history. Reading the Old Testament reminds one of the importance of those names and Papa had such a love for history.I also talked about how their legacy, temperaments were passed down to us and my parents too I know they are also in my cousins but I focused mainly on the attributes in my immediately family and how all of us reflect one or another of them somehow. In BSF all I could think about was how humble Papa was and what a great earthly example of Christ He was and his sacrifice. The last thing I ever said to each of them was "I love you! I love you! I love you!" I want to share the last page with you.

Papa once said that he may have taught his grandchildren a many things, but an important lesson his grandchildren taught him was the importance of saying "I love you!" Father you said I love you through your sons death on the cross in a way we never could have. We don't suffer because we are unworthy but because we are worthy we suffer for you. Just like my family and I are glimpses of our grandparents. We are all a glimpse of you. This shadowed effect- you have to have the light and the object before creating the shadow a friend shared tonight. You are the light may I be the object and your grace the shadow I show the world too. Just like we are all like each other but not by our own means or choice. We didn't earn our temperaments/personalities we were just given them before we were born so we cannot lose them. Salvation is the same way sin our debt but blood freely given to take it away. Thank you that I cannot earn forgiveness so I cannot lose it. Help me to be a picture of a picture that says "Jesus I love you." I write this history today for their legacy thinking of Papa and his love for history. Oh how I miss them all (( I wrote about my Gran, Gran (Bette Elizabeth Hogan) too)) , but Father they are with you and in us live on. Someday I only hope others will look back and see what you oh sovereign Father have meant to me and turn to you and say " I love you! I love you! I love you." Thanks for redeeming me Father, Son, Spirit, Almighty King. Help me to prolong this history whether through family or friends be my means to the ends. If you ever gift me with a family of my own may my legacy, parents, and grandparents live on or in those friends of mine of mine and the children of thee for we are all adopted in your eyes, come from the same genealogy. Thanks for loving me.

Giving Thanks in this Season and Stage of Life, Meeting Him Where I am at and not just where I want to be

2011-11-23T15:08:00.001-08:00

November,December and January are always hard months emotionally for me, maybe because of shorter, dark days and unmet expectations but not complete sure if those are the only reasons. Whatever the reason He gets me through them every year. I am so thankful that God has taught me to do less during these months and be gentle with myself.

I am blown away by all that He is teaching me. I don't even know where to begin. I definitely still miss Laos and long to go back someday but in his time (Ecclesiastes 3:11) I am trying to live in the now, something I have never done very well. One way is by being thankful for what I have now!

Sometimes it is as simple as taking responsibility. For example I have learned to ask God in my prayers not to help me with my studies or other things but may I be diligent in my studies. May He bless me with understanding and comprehension of what I need to know. May instead of help has made all the difference. I am asking not demanding and expecting not complaining.

Here is a poem I wrote in my journal the other day part of a prayer but I felt like a part that needed to be shared....Hope you enjoy!

Thank you for the wind that blows me away from the storm
The breath that keeps me warm
Friends who care
Time to share
Clothes to wear
And provisions evermore
Values that succeed
Any good deed
Technology though it gives me strife
The ability to see beyond
Connect with those in need
Friends that bleed
But curse it
If I ever find
I worship it more
Than my heavenly King divine
Thanks for sacrificing your son for me
Death on the cross
To make me clean
Many are the gifts that one receives
But perhaps the biggest thanks
Is for the blessings
Unseen
Intangible gifts
Like friends and family
Trees planted in hearts
Food for the soul
The pie and its tarts
Rest in a bed
Blanketed in a coat of health
Nestled by a stove
Now that is truly wealth
Forget the money
Made from things
Remember what God gave us
And dream, dream, dream.......

My Birthday Wish

2011-11-08T15:59:00.000-08:00

Birthday's come and go but life doesn't it continues on. Birthday's mark the beginning of someones existence and how our world wouldn't be the same without them. Our Father has allowed me and you to live through various things and probably even some things we don't realize. The world is all about connecting but the way that people choose to connect sometimes bothers me.

In class we were talking about quantity versus the quality of time. We live in a quantitative world (at least those of us in the US). I have one hour to give you, thirty minutes we don't know how to be anywhere but we know how to be everywhere.

I am so thankful for friends who understand quality time and want to be with me. I am thankful for friends all over the world. People don't realize that sometimes their presence is the greatest present they can give, to be present and live in the moment. I know it is easier said than done.

Tonight I get to talk to some Lao friends and see their faces. I planned this several weeks ago and they agreed. Who could have a better present but friends who take time for them. I ask you to think about the story you are telling people instead of the one you are writing((resumes, things that make us look good(sometimes enjoyable sometimes not) ) what cause do these further self fame? worth or Christ?

I challenge you instead of just writing another Happy Birthday on my facebook wall, sending me a text or email to write what a difference I have made in your life. What if we all did this for one another? In celebration of another life that God continues to allow to go on .Don't make it harder than it is. Doesn't have to be super personal or profound. It maybe as simple as "riding with me to _____, meeting to compare and talk about class answers, taking time to have lunch, asking me about____, Again they don't have to be super personal you never know who reads this and if you prefer to send a message, email it or text it to me that is okay. Are you up for my challenge? Not just me but for your close friends or even those you want to get to know. I am challenging myself to do the same for my new year's resolution to show that there is always more than meets the eye you never know what your words will mean. If nothing else just put a hug symbol. Yes hugs and time are my love languages.

p.s.- some of you have already done this and that is what gave me the idea. If you are not up for the challenge I am not offended. A lot of your lives show your love just thought I'd try to be the difference I want to show.

My Place in This World

2011-10-26T07:36:00.001-07:00

Being back in school can be overwhelming but even more than that is trying to find my place in this world, and yes I do have the Micheal W. Smith song stuck in my head."If there are millions Down on their knees, Among the many, Can you still hear me, Hear me asking, Where do I belong?Is there a vision, That I can call my own? Show me, I'm, Looking for a reason, Roamin' through the night to find, My place in this world."

You see I am not an undergrad or graduate, I am not married, nor do I have children, I am not in a successful job or have a job for that matter, I love teaching but also love small groups, I want to be a mom someday but wonder will it ever happen? These are just a few of the frustrations bottled up inside.Jeremiah 29:11 often comes to mind right now "For I know the plans I have for you,declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

I hope to go back to Laos someday but the future is always uncertain. Someone yesterday said to me "What if you are not suppose to go back but stay here?" I have thought about it but I also believe God wouldn't give me such a strong desire if he didn't have a purpose for it. After some prayer and reading in the word. I realized I am not ready to give up that dream. I need that hope no matter how unrealistic it may seem and He has given it to me for a reason right now. Even if it is false hope it is a process of letting go and I am not ready to let go yet. In a world where I feel friends come and go and so does the closeness between them I need something concrete. While I realize she maybe right just because I don't return doesn't mean I cannot have a heart for the people there or the world. Paul longed to return to Jerusalem, eventually our heavenly father allowed him, but it was the shortest of his journeys and only after 11 years. We must do things in God's timing and not our own.

I find it difficult not to talk about Laos and I have become the person I never wanted to be(the one who compares Laos to everything, even holding my tongue sometimes but realizing it often too late) but yet I realize it is all a part of the process. God created the puzzle, not me, my job is to follow his instructions so that I can help fit the pieces together not try and complete the puzzle but trust his ways no matter my understanding level for in the end it is all about him and his glory not me.

Transitions always take time. Time is the key to success, easier said than done. In such a busy world where people don't take out the time to have time it's difficult to make friends but eventually I'll get there. Just have to find those other misfits willing to take time out to not have busy schedules or desirous of doing everything, while they maybe doing good things I think I am learning sometimes the biggest blessing is the ability to do nothing.

What's your Tongue?

2011-10-04T10:02:00.000-07:00

I love the story of Naomi and Felix and example of how God works in all different kinds of ways. Here is the link for the whole story-http://www.dailyreader.net/content/read/Chronicles-of-Avonlea/7967 all 6 pages but for those of you who don't like to read here is the best part!But oh I highly advise you to read all 6 pages to fully understand the pain, light and healing found in this story!

Naomi sat up and dragged at his arm.

"Can you help me? Can you help me?" she gasped imploringly. "Oh, I thought you'd never come! I was skeered I'd die before you got here--die and go to hell. I didn't know before today that I was dying. None of those cowards would tell me. Can you help me?"

"If I cannot, God can," said Mr. Leonard gently. He felt himself very helpless and inefficient before this awful terror and frenzy. He had seen sad death-beds--troubled death-beds-- ay, and despairing death-beds, but never anything like this. "God!" Naomi's voice shrilled terribly as she uttered the name. "I can't go to God for help. Oh, I'm skeered of hell, but I'm skeereder still of God. I'd rather go to hell a thousand times over than face God after the life I've lived. I tell you, I'm sorry for living wicked--I was always sorry for it all the time. There ain't never been a moment I wasn't sorry, though nobody would believe it. I was driven on by fiends of hell. Oh, you don't understand--you CAN'T understand--but I was always sorry!"

"If you repent, that is all that is necessary. God will forgive you if you ask Him."

"No, He can't! Sins like mine can't be forgiven. He can't--and He won't."

"He can and He will. He is a God of love, Naomi."

"No," said Naomi with stubborn conviction. "He isn't a God of love at all. That's why I'm skeered of him. No, no. He's a God of wrath and justice and punishment. Love! There ain't no such thing as love! I've never found it on earth, and I don't believe it's to be found in God."

"Naomi, God loves us like a father."

"Like MY father?" Naomi's shrill laughter, pealing through the still room, was hideous to hear.

The old minister shuddered.

"No--no! As a kind, tender, all-wise father, Naomi--as you would have loved your little child if it had lived."

Naomi cowered and moaned.

"Oh, I wish I could believe THAT. I wouldn't be frightened if I could believe that. MAKE me believe it. Surely you can make me believe that there's love and forgiveness in God if you believe it yourself."

"Jesus Christ forgave and loved the Magdalen, Naomi."

"Jesus Christ? Oh, I ain't afraid of HIM. Yes, HE could understand and forgive. He was half human. I tell you, it's God I'm skeered of."

"They are one and the same," said Mr. Leonard helplessly. He knew he could not make Naomi realize it. This anguished death- bed was no place for a theological exposition on the mysteries of the Trinity.

"Christ died for you, Naomi. He bore your sins in His own body on the cross."

"We bear our own sins," said Naomi fiercely. "I've borne mine all my life--and I'll bear them for all eternity. I can't believe anything else. I CAN'T believe God can forgive me. I've ruined people body and soul--I've broken hearts and poisoned homes--I'm worse than a murderess. No--no--no, there's no hope for me." Her voice rose again into that shrill, intolerable shriek. "I've got to go to hell. It ain't so much the fire I'm skeered of as the outer darkness. I've always been so skeered of darkness--it's so full of awful things and thoughts. Oh, there ain't nobody to help me! Man ain't no good and I'm too skeered of God."

She wrung her hands. Mr. Leonard walked up and down the room in the keenest anguish of spirit he had ever known. What could he do? What could he say? There was healing and peace in his religion for this woman as for all others, but he could express it in no language which this tortured soul could understand. He looked at her writhing face; he looked at the idiot girl chuckling to herself at the foot of the bed; he looked through the open door to the remote, starlit night--and a horrible sense of utter helplessness overcame him. He could do nothing--nothing! In all his life he had never known such bitterness of soul as the realization brought home to him.

"What is the good of you if you can't help me?" moaned the dying woman. "Pray--pray--pray!" she shrilled suddenly.

Mr. Leonard dropped on his knees by the bed. He did not know what to say. No prayer that he had ever prayed was of use here. The old, beautiful formulas, which had soothed and helped the passing of many a soul, were naught save idle, empty words to Naomi Clark. In his anguish of mind Stephen Leonard gasped out the briefest and sincerest prayer his lips had ever uttered.

"O, God, our Father! Help this woman. Speak to her in a tongue which she can understand."

A beautiful, white face appeared for a moment in the light that streamed out of the doorway into the darkness of the night. No one noticed it, and it quickly drew back into the shadow. Suddenly, Naomi fell back on her pillow, her lips blue, her face horribly pinched, her eyes rolled up in her head. Maggie started up, pushed Mr. Leonard aside, and proceeded to administer some remedy with surprising skill and deftness. Mr. Leonard, believing Naomi to be dying, went to the door, feeling sick and bruised in soul.

Presently a figure stole out into the light.

"Felix, is that you?" said Mr. Leonard in a startled tone.

"Yes, sir." Felix came up to the stone step. "Janet got frightened what you might fall on that rough road after dark, so she made me come after you with a lantern. I've been waiting behind the point, but at last I thought I'd better come and see if you would be staying much longer. If you will be, I'll go back to Janet and leave the lantern here with you." "Yes, that will be the best thing to do. I may not be ready to go home for some time yet," said Mr. Leonard, thinking that the death-bed of sin behind him was no sight for Felix's young eyes.

"Is that your grandson you're talking to?" Naomi spoke clearly and strongly. The spasm had passed. "If it is, bring him in. I want to see him."

Reluctantly, Mr. Leonard signed Felix to enter. The boy stood by Naomi's bed and looked down at her with sympathetic eyes. But at first she did not look at him--she looked past him at the minister.

"I might have died in that spell," she said, with sullen reproach in her voice, "and if I had, I'd been in hell now. You can't help me--I'm done with you. There ain't any hope for me, and I know it now."

She turned to Felix.

"Take down that fiddle on the wall and play something for me," she said imperiously. "I'm dying--and I'm going to hell--and I don't want to think of it. Play me something to take my thoughts off it--I don't care what you play. I was always fond of music--there was always something in it for me I never found anywhere else."

Felix looked at his grandfather. The old man nodded, he felt too ashamed to speak; he sat with his fine silver head in his hands, while Felix took down and tuned the old violin, on which so many godless lilts had been played in many a wild revel. Mr. Leonard felt that he had failed his religion. He could not give Naomi the help that was in it for her.

Felix drew the bow softly, perplexedly over the strings. He had no idea what he should play. Then his eyes were caught and held by Naomi's burning, mesmeric, blue gaze as she lay on her crumpled pillow. A strange, inspired look came over the boy's face. He began to play as if it were not he who played, but some mightier power, of which he was but the passive instrument.

Sweet and soft and wonderful was the music that stole through the room. Mr. Leonard forgot his heartbreak and listened to it in puzzled amazement. He had never heard anything like it before. How could the child play like that? He looked at Naomi and marvelled at the change in her face. The fear and frenzy were going out of it; she listened breathlessly, never taking her eyes from Felix. At the foot of the bed the idiot girl sat with tears on her cheeks.

In that strange music was the joy of the innocent, mirthful childhood, blent with the laughter of waves and the call of glad winds. Then it held the wild, wayward dreams of youth, sweet and pure in all their wildness and waywardness. They were followed by a rapture of young love--all-surrendering, all-sacrificing love. The music changed. It held the torture of unshed tears, the anguish of a heart deceived and desolate. Mr. Leonard almost put his hands over his ears to shut out its intolerable poignancy. But on the dying woman's face was only a strange relief, as if some dumb, long-hidden pain had at last won to the healing of utterance.

The sullen indifference of despair came next, the bitterness of smouldering revolt and misery, the reckless casting away of all good. There was something indescribably evil in the music now--so evil that Mr. Leonard's white soul shuddered away in loathing, and Maggie cowered and whined like a frightened animal.

Again the music changed. And in it now there was agony and fear--and repentance and a cry for pardon. To Mr. Leonard there was something strangely familiar in it. He struggled to recall where he had heard it before; then he suddenly knew--he had heard it before Felix came in Naomi's terrible words! He looked at his grandson with something like awe. Here was a power of which he knew nothing--a strange and dreadful power. Was it of God? Or of Satan?

For the last time the music changed. And now it was not music at all--it was a great, infinite forgiveness, an all- comprehending love. It was healing for a sick soul; it was light and hope and peace. A Bible text, seemingly incongruous, came into Mr. Leonard's mind--"This is the house of God; this is the gate of heaven."

Felix lowered the violin and dropped wearily on a chair by the bed. The inspired light faded from his face; once more he was only a tired boy. But Stephen Leonard was on his knees, sobbing like a child; and Naomi Clark was lying still, with her hands clasped over her breast.

"I understand now," she said very softly. "I couldn't see it before--and now it's so plain. I just FEEL it. God IS a God of love. He can forgive anybody--even me--even me. He knows all about it. I ain't skeered any more. He just loves me and forgives me as I'd have loved and forgiven my baby if she'd lived, no matter how bad she was, or what she did. The minister told me that but I couldn't believe it. I KNOW it now. And He sent you here to-night, boy, to tell it to me in a way that I could feel it."

Naomi Clark died just as the dawn came up over the sea. Mr. Leonard rose from his watch at her bedside and went to the door. Before him spread the harbour, gray and austere in the faint light, but afar out the sun was rending asunder the milk-white mists in which the sea was scarfed, and under it was a virgin glow of sparkling water.

The fir trees on the point moved softly and whispered together. The whole world sang of spring and resurrection and life; and behind him Naomi Clark's dead face took on the peace that passes understanding.

What does it mean to serve?

2011-09-21T03:47:00.000-07:00

Lately I have realized that after being overseas I don't have the energy to serve in ways I used to. In the ways that everyone sees at church or outside of it . Some examples of this type of serving are at the information desk, prayer team, teaching Sunday School or even just being a greeter at church.(Notice how I put just yeah simple things aren't simple for everyone!) At first this left me discouraged because there are always needs out there and we cannot meet them all. If one is met surely a new one will arise. While all of these are admirable, and good things to do, they are not for everyone.

For me, at least right now, God is teaching me that sometimes the best way to serve is just to show up to church and not to withdraw because I don't know a single song we are singing or am overwhelmed by the amount of people I don't know around me, taking the time to go to lunch with someone who just might turn out to be a new friend, offering the seat next to me instead of having five empty ones in between, not making myself so busy that I don't have time for myself or others, or even just being diligent in my school work.

In Matthew 18:3-5 it reads "And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me."

Right now I am a child in a familiar unfamiliar world but that doesn't stop me from trusting and believing in his power. I might not always feel like I have a place but He has one for me and a plan for my life. I encourage you to serve those around you in whatever way you feel called. Remember just because not everyone sees it doesn't mean it isn't or didn't happen.

You know the best way people have ever served me is by just offering for me to sit next to them whether in a pew or classroom. Just a reminder to not get discouraged because God meets us at whatever season we are in life. In Laos serving was often my time spent waiting around and lending a listening ear. Here those don't fit cultural norms as well, but that doesn't mean they were wrong just different for a different place and season. How will you welcome that child around you? How do you feel most welcome?

Caught between worlds

2011-09-03T18:25:00.000-07:00

As you probably have figured out by now I am back in Arkansas for awhile. I miss Laos a lot but know that God has a time for everything and His timing is perfect. Adjusting hasn't been that easy but I have some great friends and acquaintances that are helping. One of my friends laughed at me the other day when I was trying to describe phases of friendship I was telling her about this girl who I wanted to be my friend and I think she wants to be mine but we're not there yet. It just takes awhile, this is what I mean by acquaintances. I just don't like that word it makes me cringe a little bit seeing at how impersonal it is and me being a personable person. Either someone's your friend or they aren't, I only wish it was that simple..haha

Anyways, going back to school has been good for me. I actually don't mind the work load but being in a classroom is a lot harder than I expected it to be. You see all my classes are either with undergraduates or masters students who all have their other classes together and then there is me.

I was in class the other day and wrote this. Seeing that not many educations majors are guys and I had one in my class I decided to include how he might feel. It must be how guys feel in the education field all the time. Gosh..what a hard life. No wonder more educators aren't guys.

Ever been in a crowd
So confused
The punch thrust at your ribs
Bearing the bruise
When will this pain end
The colors that rouse
The heart all a flutter
The dog in the noose
There I am
So distant
So far
So close
So tangible
Here we are
Will our eyes meet
Or am I just the glare
In someone's sunglasses
Somewhere
But where
In between worlds
No spot for me
Waiting to be noticed
But wait see
At least there is one other
Nobody
Same but different we are
Maybe we'll be friends
Even if it's only from afar
The tricks one plays
Just to fit in
But valuing the difference
For without doesn't matter
It's what's in
What's in

Anyways this next year is probably going to be somewhat lonely feeling caught not only in between two worlds physically but also world's within world's. Next year should be better and if I can get by with at least one friend who wants to be friend as well in each class we'll that'll be enough for now.

Please be praying for
1. A job-one where I can make enough money to get by on
2. that I would be able to understand things that should be familiar to me but are not quite yet
3. that others would have patience with me and I would have patience with them and myself.

Re-entering

2011-08-14T12:16:00.000-07:00

So it has been awhile since I have posted but it's hard to know what to write...

This world is not my home. I have always loved tradition but guess I got so used to different traditions, strong community, and a different language. Honestly, I feel weird or uncomfortable in a group of more than 3 people. When did this happen? How did I get so lost and confused in a place I should know? Part of me knows I need to let go of the past and part of me doesn't even want to talk about it but my other half can't let go.

It has been nice to reunite with family and some friends but sometimes hard because I am not who I was three years ago. I don't always know how to react, coming from a quiet culture into a loud one I have to learn how to adjust these changes in a tangible way.

Not to mention technology, what is this thing called twitter? Where are the internet cafe's? Everyone has wireless internet on their phone and they pay ridiculous amounts for that? How do I even change the layout of a blog? It will be okay I just need time and people to have patience with me as I adjust to life here again working and studying will help. Hopefully I can find a decent job soon!

Traveling Mercies

2011-06-19T05:42:00.000-07:00

Two days ago I left or maybe three (having been at hour 43 of 45 on my journey my body is mixed up)Vientiane, Laos. Before my flight a dear friend came and hung out with me while we waited for my ride( another friend who is married with a child).We then all crammed into her little car with my stuff.

M, my friend with a child, helped me get through baggage after having to buy a new bag (overweight stuff apparently you have to have an extra bag) she quickly helped me to organize my stuff. They didn't make me pay overweight just carry the newly bought bag( total Froggy, sticky rice basket, purse and two backpacks on hand. Yowzers!) I also had left my boarding pass at the counter with my passport in the process. Just like my mom, when things unexpected come up in unexpected times I sometimes get a bit loopy. Well, that is just the beginning of my journey....

After a few pictures with friends and finding a friend who had been waiting for me in a different area I proceeded to the gates. Saying my goodbyes and amazingly without crying! (Well, at least till they stamped my passport)

First stop- Bangkok Having 3 hours which quickly turned to 30 minutes by the time I finally made it to where I was suppose to be and not having a boarding pass yet I realized I had left my purse in security. When they had patted me down because I forgot to take off my jacket. It was down the escalator how would I ever get down and back. I spotted an elevator for the handicap and took it while a guard gestured no I said in Lao " I forgot my purse!" He understood after proving it was mine I quickly made it upstairs and on to my flight woo....

Second stop- Tapei-just a lot of running around, security check and then onto a plane with literally no down time.

Third stop- San Fransisco-quickly made it through customs, rechecked two bags in and got my tickets- Chatted with some guards, got some food, talked with a few friends. Then off to Dallas. The flight was awful, so much turbulence. It made me sick, but I checked in my two bags (down to Froggy, sticky rice container and a purse) a plus of a full flight.

Fourth stop- Dallas/Ft. Worth- got some food after a long ride. After all I had 4 hours to spare. Remember that sometimes when your stomach hurts it is not because you are hungry. Got kind of sick(spare you details :( ),bought water to feel better and then began browsing the airport for the right gate. After going back and forth between three gates I finally lost it. I started crying pulled out my computer and paid for Internet to call my mom. Don't know if the tears were from exhaustion, sadness, fear of the future or just disorientation or maybe all combined but talks with moms do wonders! Finally found my gate after talking with a few friends on the Internet and waiting 3 hours in front of the sign that has all the gates listed. I planted myself after a lady had been a bit rude to me when I asked a question. I hate it when people are unkind, maybe I just read her wrong(happens sometimes) but you would think if they are worn out they would empathize not terrorize others, oh well...

Almost home one more flight to go..Sometimes parents are so wise it is that power shot down from heaven that little Colton in the book I just finished reading talks about. I believe that power is wisdom from our Father. My mommy said "Don't think about things for a few days, just relax, you can always face them later just pretend that things aren't what they are, at least not yet. Be good to your body till your body can handle it." While I can't put things off forever a few days won't hurt and going to see Michael Buble with mom is also helpful. Gives me something fun to look forward to. Look forward to catching up with many of you these next few weeks!!!

Dreams

2011-05-14T21:59:00.000-07:00

I am in the process of minimizing things, an ever failing battle for a woman who loves papers! haha! Anyways I found a poem I wrote in the 7th or 8th grade. I wrote it from a child's perspective. Boy did I think I was grown up then, but sometimes it is our childish dreams that help us when we are older. May I never lose the child in me and have faith that moves mountains physically, spiritually and mentally. Father, please help to keep me of sound mind.
Here is the poem:

1. I went up to my daddy,
He often scared me,
But today I had an important question?
And I knew the only one who knew the answer was He

2. I asked my daddy? What do I want to be? His approval was important to me.

3. He looked at me and smiled but before a word was allowed. I blurted out maybe a rap artist who makes lots of sounds or

4. A firefighter who listens for the bell
Who shoots water in the air
Helps people out if they fell (not proper English but hey I was a 7th grader heheh I think maybe I did it on purpose to emphasize innocent child like minds)
Runs up and down the stairs because he or she cares
But then

5. Maybe I'll be a dancer
So graceful and all
But what if only brother Billy and his hamster watch
That would be a terrible fall
So I could be

6. A teacher of those younger or small
I'd read them books
And tell them I love them all
Teach them to count and never give up

7. But maybe that's not it
I could be a zoo keeper
With a parakeet on my shoulder
Nut what if he tells me Sally Sue you are getting older

8. There would be tigers to tame
And lions with beautiful mains and exotic animals galore

9. Oh but daddy I don't know
Which path I should go
And tomorrow in class I must say

10. I want to stand proud
In front of the crowd
Maybe a speaker I'll be
Or the first woman president just wait and see

11. Daddy oh daddy what shall I be?
Then he responded ever so patiently
Oh Sally Sue any of these could be you
Never quit your dreams
It's what's inside you that bears true means

12. I stared confused and he went on
It doesn't matter what you do

13. It's who you are
Uniquely you
I'll be proud as long as you use your strengths

14. Like what I interrupted
He went on
The gifts of love and loyalty you bear
An ability to dream and imagine what is out there
Make the best of whatever you do
And I'll always love you

15. Sally Sue you're my shining star
whether a rapper, firefighter, dancer, teacher, zoo keeper, speaker or president
That is what you are

16. He hugged me and I understood
As an adult today there are no would
Have beens
But only possibilities and coulds

Thank you heavenly father for giving me an earthly father and the reminder that no matter where life takes me you will always love and take care of me.

Fat or (Dewey)

2011-05-04T04:28:00.000-07:00

So in the past few days I have learned that apparently if you sweat a lot it is because you're fat, but if a boy sweats and he is skinny it means he is healthy and strong also that if you are fat it might be because you think too much. I live in such a logical world!!

Tomorrow morning I will go to my friends house dedication ceremony(penny) at 430 am please keep me in your thoughts. I was going to stay with her tonight but I just didn't have the energy. Please lift up that his light will shine through me and that I could continue to speak truth into her life.

P.s-it is pouring down rain and lightning and thundering right now so who knows when I'll get another chance to send this and the power keeps going on and off.

Every tribe tongue and nation will join in song for the Lord

2011-04-17T17:33:00.001-07:00

Last night as I sat at a friend's house with 20 0ther people and said goodbye to yet another friend I couldn't help but feel joy and sadness at the same time. Since coming to Laos I have a new found joy in singing hymns and an even greater joy in hearing them in another language. As people sang in Japanese, French, Madagascan, Indonesian, Irish, and a few other languages my heart was full. In such a transient place the Father has brought so many people of different cultures together to walk, talk and live life together. Could I be more blessed? But with this blessing always comes the pain that at some point people return home. Yet still I know I am never alone for He is always by my side.

Father be by my side as I teach today help me to know the best way to communicate your love and educate my students. Thanks for being my redeemer. May I live for you and not myself, loving myself as I am, your daughter. Give me strength to face today and tomorrow. Thanks for not only being my Father but friend for suffering so that I might be set free. May I not too easily forget that it is because of you I am free and that is why I am capable of anything good, for all great things come from the Father above and He gives these to those who love Him. Thanks Father.

He is so good He's so good to me

2011-04-12T20:42:00.001-07:00

Man our Father is so good. He allowed me to see a friend I dearly love two days in a row, have a wonderful conversation with three good friends and one more scheduled for Friday morning and a good chat with my mom. He is slowly but surely calming my anxious heart. Where He leads me I will follow.

Today I go to Pakse ( a city down south) to visit a friend from my first year here that I lived with. She is now married and has a child.Today a good friends sister will take me to the bus station. I can't wait but am also a bit nervous as I travel alone. It is so easy to have up and down's. As friendships drift away I struggle not to be sad whether it is from them or me but I am glad that we can always meet up where we left off. I have had 3 people cancel on me in the last day and a half, makes it difficult to keep trying but must persist. 6 hours with nothing to do maybe rest go for a walk then go to my friends house a bit late b/c she won't even be there.

You see I don't let too many people inside but once I do there is no escaping for you. She is one of the few I let in deep and losing this friendship will hurt if it ever gets to that point, but have I really lost it for good or can it be found? Only our Father knows.

Give me strength for the things of life that boggle me down.

On a random note I noticed that in 3 years I have never written a November post. November and December are always the hardest months emotionally for me. What does that tell you....hmmm????

Letting go of Fear

2011-04-11T18:36:00.000-07:00

Vision so clear
Eyes so dear
The red of the wine
The cup from the vine
oh wine wine
so tender so sweet
Bitter
We meet
The good and the bad
Happy yet sad
My heart filled with tears
Throat chokes back
My head filled with thoughts of years
I can never get back
Yet nothing have I lost
Nothing have I gained
That is visible they say
But so much past
To gain is to lose
The ultimate blast
The clouds above me
Who knows the weather the sky holds
The balloon pushing its way
trying to understand the worlds mold
Path A or B
What do I decide
The rain or the sunshine
The fresh smelling air or the burn
Soon it is my turn
Nothing forgotten
But a feeling of loss
yet not truly losing anything
But gaining the cross
With it I will walk by His side
Father be thy guide
No matter the fear
For though art greater
My dear deer
My dear deer

Lost in Translation

2011-04-11T17:45:00.000-07:00

So here are a few of the sentences/phrases that got lost in translation on my student's test.

1. We were learning the difference between homophones (words that sound the same and might even look the same but have different meanings) so they had to write a sentence or a definition to tell me they knew the difference. Here are a few answers they came up with.

Dear- a husband; to mom ; my preesent
Waste-not wise; to spill things up; to use a lot; waste typing; making time unpreciously
Waist-half of the body( the outside); make time slower
Dye- S's mom(so saying a parents name here is like cursing. This particular student can't stand this other kid, doesn't make it right but hey 10-12 year old are mischievous. )
Flour- I can clean the flour?

2. We were working on using indefinite pronouns (someone, anyone, no one, etc). These are the sentences they came up with.

Someone is in the toilet( I got this one a lot)
Can I like somebody?
I want nobody nobody on you (this is from a song but the actual words are I want nobody nobody but you)

So the other day I was trying to learn how to say couple or match and it is the same word as rest but a little different (like so many of Lao words, unfortunately no matter how hard I try they all seem to sound the same). Anyways, it made me laugh 4 expats standing around trying to say it and one Lao person trying to help us understand the difference. I began to laugh because I thought of how funny , if I were Lao, it would probably sound to me and what it would be like if our roles were reversed.

Learning Lao has taught me how to have patience and empathize with my students also to understand why they make the errors they do in English. I am so thankful for laughter, friends, teachers and patience. May I never quit learning until the day I die for there is so much potential in everyone and thing yet to be discovered.

Right and Wrong

2011-03-31T08:32:00.000-07:00

So I think a lot about these things and struggle with similarities and differences. Right now the stage of life I am in has so many possibilities but also feels so limited if only I knew the RIGHT possibility. The most glorifying one to my Father but I don't. I screw up daily and the burden wages on me. Why aren't things in his word more black and white? It is because he cares about his creation He wants us to be able to trust in Him on our own just as I want my students to trust that I have their best interest in mind and am okay with them questioning things if it means that they have further understanding of the subject to which they are studying.

As I was reading today about grace and mercy(click here) and trying to remember the difference I came across this revelation. We can have grace even if we are good but mercy only comes after having done something wrong. Grace has nothing to do with our actions and everything to do with His but mercy has everything to do with our actions and then his forgiveness.Mercy is more me focused where Grace is more Father centered, at least that is what I understood.

Today I also watched something that really got me thinking. It is so easy to be legalistic and have all or nothing but that is not how our Father sees things He gives us choices because He trust us. It's okay to have or do things as long as they never overcome our love or replace our love for Him. He will protect us if we listen and follow Him. Even those that don't know Him can sometimes say or do profound things. As long as I am not rewriting His word and cautious as I proceed with things in life He will take care of me no matter how hard the road ahead seems He knows me better than I will ever know myself and in His hands tonight I rest.

How do I love Thee

2011-03-20T06:36:00.000-07:00

How do I love Thee? Let me count the ways. Not very well I must say. These past two weeks we have been studying love and wow how much I thought I loved to how much I really love and what I love. I love Saint Francis words in this song below.

Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there is hatred let me bring your love;
Where there is injury your pardon, Lord;
And where there's doubt true faith in you.

Refrain:
Oh, Master grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love with all my soul.

Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there's despair in life let me bring hope;
Where there is darkness, only light;
And where there's sadness, ever joy.

Refrain

Make me a channel of your peace.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
In giving to all men that we receive;
And in dying that we're born to eternal life.

Refrain

The chorus is his prayer(I think?) but all the words are wonderful. Lately I have felt (maybe it is a bit cynical) that while Japan does need our help (don't get me wrong) it is so easy to forget our neighbors and hide behind the worlds problems and never face our own or help those around us. While I do believe we should be helping Japan I also believe that we need to be more aware of those around us. I was always taught if we cannot reach out to those closest to us (whether emotionally or literal proximity) how can we reach out to the world. I am coming out of a hard time (at least I hope) but know so many more who are in one and wonder who will be there channels if not the body?

I encourage you to ask one person (whom you feel comfortable asking) how can I lift you up today or ask the Father to put someone on your heart for we are all in need of a friend sometimes whether in Laos, New Zealand, America, Africa,Japan or anywhere else scattered throughout the nations may you feel the Lord's presence and may your heart be touched with peace that passes understanding.

Lyrics and Limericks

2011-03-14T07:47:00.000-07:00

So I know I am not very good at updating this but am trying to be better and you might be thinking two posts in one day! Really? But it is worth it you see today I had my students write in their journals (they do this every day I am the only one who reads them though they are quite funny sometimes) anyways they had to write their favorite song down and why. Usually they scoff and scowl but today no complaints. Upon reading them I found it interesting. Why does music capture every one's soul and in such different ways? A song that has come to mind lately for me is

If I could just sit with you awhile by Mercy Me it goes like this:

If I could just sit with You awhile, If You could just hold me, Nothing can touch me,though I'm wounded though I died If I could just sit with You awhile, I need You to hold me, Moment by moment 'till forever passes by

When I can not feel, When my wounds don't heal, Lord I humbly kneel, Hidden in You, Lord you are my life, So I don't mind to die, Just as long as I, Am hidden in You

If I could just sit with You awhile, If You could just hold me, Nothing can touch me,though I'm wounded though I died If I could just sit with You awhile, I need You to hold me, Moment by moment 'till forever passes by

When I know I have sinned, and I could have been, Crying out my God, and hidden in you ,Lord I need you now, more than I know how, so I humbly bow, hidden in you

If I could just sit with You awhile, If You could just hold me, Nothing can touch me,though I'm wounded though I died If I could just sit with You awhile, I need You to hold me, Moment by moment 'till forever passes by, moment by moment 'till forever passes by,moment by moment 'till forever passes by

SO why do these lyrics speak to me? The only consistently in life is change that and my Father. I am such a touchy feelly person living in a non-emotional world that I need that sensation. I actually crave it sometimes just to feel close to something. Life with the Father isn't easy but I truly believe Edith Wharton was a wise women when she said "Where there is great love there is always miracles." If nothing else Laos has taught me this and although I don't always get the results I desire He delivers more than I could ask for

I have been reading Chronicles of Avon lea (actually listening to them) and oh how I wish I had all the wonder of Anne. I do cherish her thoughts and innocence or rather purity and bias. Today it rained. I love the smell I even said

" I love the smell of rain. It's just so glorious. I think if it always smelled like rain every day I could never be sad because it's too wonderful of a thing to be sad over." this with Anne in mind(not rain itself but the smell)

Another random quote from the night "Occasionally I discover America"

In closing I love music for it pricks at my very soul just like little Felix with his violin he played what he felt by those he was around so music evokes, represents, helps us to express our moods in ways we might not be able to ourselves verbally just like writing, prose and poems do for me .
I talk a lot but I often fumble over my words it is only in writing that I actually find clarity and have confidence.

Thank you Father for the rain. Rain of soul. Season of Rain. The bitter sweet hurt of Pain. The understanding I may never gain but know I am hidden in You! Thanks so much for this blessing and that of Internet. A story for another day!

Life apart from life but life none the less

2011-03-13T22:43:00.001-07:00

Wow! Right now I am at an extremely intense point in my life. Not that I'm not usually intense but more than normal. I have so many thoughts circling inside my brain like a spider web falling apart then rebuilding itself only to see another gap in the design I have made , wondering what pattern He is trying to create. But I will not give into this world and its pressures for He is on my side.

I love Laos but I miss my family dearly. I have given up facebook for lent in order to spend more time in my Father's arms. I need to feel wrapped in His presence like never before. Life is full of tough moments. Do I eat the flies or let them go? Is it a butterfly appearing or just another worm? Right now honestly I don't know but I do know He has been good to me and is good even if I don't comprehend the chain ahead of me. I will try to update this every week if not ever other. Feel free to follow along in my journey out of the abyss and into the peace of the heaven on earth.

Please be praying for

~Clarity in my future and that during these next six weeks I would grow in my love for Him and others in a way that I never thought possible. That my heart would stay mold able, teachable, humble and not fall into temptation but delivered from evil for my kingdom is on earth right now and to my ruler be the glory at the end of this battle I wage inside.

~That my path would be straightened-Father thanks for saving me even though I do not understand why you would choose such a wretch like me and allow others to die, but I do know you are good and just and this I must accept for I will never fully grasp your ways but I will acknowledge you Father. Please make my path straight.

To Trust

2011-02-27T08:00:00.000-08:00

Oh morose eyes filled with tears

This path is yours

The hands clap and cheer

But oh heart

Oh head

Which one is alive
Which one is dead

The waves crash

From the sea

Every direction turning me

Make me straight

Like a line

Tug-a-war

This rope is thine

I am letting go

Trusting you

Such a scary thing to do

So take this cynical young girl

Mold her world

Give her strength

Courage of mind

Understanding of things divine

Wisdom that does not hinder

For you are my Creator

My Mender

But also my Sender

Send me where I cannot hide

The love you have instilled inside

For I know whether here or there

No matter the pain of battle

Ubiquitously you are always aware

Thank you that you care

About everything I share

For though I often feel worthless

You make me a saint

And in your awe as a princess I faint

Weak but strong

Forever long

Your child amongst children

May I not forget

No matter how sick the world

Make I seek not to live in regret

For my life is yours

The steer you command

Right now I just ask Father

Please hold my hand

Oh hold my hand

Fire or Valley

River or Spring

My Creator

My All

My Everything

Teacher's Day 2

2010-10-08T08:22:00.000-07:00

A few more of my lovely teacher's day gifts!

I don't know but my students really thought I needed bags for some reason...Oh and look at the table runner! Love it! I'll never forget who that one is from! Some days I really love my job and the laughter and smiles it brings.

Teacher's Day

2010-10-08T00:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Teacher's Day but today we celebrated it. It was a crazy day full of fun festivities and gifts...here is the lovely collection I got.

Some lavender soap, a red sinh, a table runner which the student wrote their name in permanent marker so I wouldn't forget....

2010-09-21T04:54:00.000-07:00

Ever just feel hopeless, like your spinning around in circles, so dizzy can't tell left from right or even what you are seeing, been there and done that, but the picture is finally starting to unblurr. Not going to lie, I might not ever fully understand his plan, but I know He knows what is best. Ever since coming to Laos I often question "Why am I here? How Long? Can I really do this? Why me? I have no talents," but then He reminds me that I am gifted in loving "The greastest commandment of these is to love him first then my neighbor as myself." but why does loving hurt so bad? Leave us broken/shattered so often feeling disconnected in some way. I think it is because we love with man's love not a heavenly love like the Father. To be honest, right now, one of my greatest fears is seeking my own will over His. For once I enjoy what I am doing in Laos, so therefore feel it must be wrong right?

No, He assures me every day that it couldn't be more right? So why all this fear? I think it is because I see so many complacent people in my life. Those who have lived here for years and it is just so normal that they don't challenge themselves anymore. I see how easy it is to not do or do certain things just because you are a foreigner in your foreign bubble and the Lao give automatic respect, but what happens when we step out of this bubble? Some of the walls of protection fall down. Sometimes I feel it is just the Son and I walking together hand in hand and me fighting to do what is right in my heart, what I know is right.

I haven't been given the ability to speak honestly from my heart even in love and now I think that is what He is instilling in me. Whether with my students or friends, to love but not sacrifice my values because my First Love isn't visibly there.

Please continue to think of me as I lay down my life and seek after him. Denying my humanly desires in order to seek Him daily. The desire for consistency in friendships, housing, and the pain of the constant reminder of how we all will fail in this world" It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all", missing out on special family moments-births, deaths....to know that my sacrifice is worth it because He sacrificed so much. He sacrificed 3o years with his son on earth and I struggle for a third year.

I don't have all the answers and if you are reading this just because you are not out there in a place like Laos doesn't mean you cannot be sacrificing in your own way. I ask that where ever you are the Father showers his blessings on you and guides you as you seek after Him!

Blessings!

Just another unpredictable week

2010-07-15T22:33:00.000-07:00

So this week I had a week completely off...I thought to myself hmm...what will I do? I'll get my insurance set up for next year and my newsletter database but neither one happened...I thought..hmmm..i'll connect with friends and love on them but none of it happened(at least not to the degree I expected)...on top of that every day changed.....

Monday-doctored up my roommate...tried to talk to the parents but they were busy...ate lunch at the language school..then watched a movie.

Tuesday- a friend was going to come over and watch a movie. Hung out in the office all morning...went home took a nap. Got severely confused b/c another friend told a friend of a friend( are you still following? very Lao) that they had plans to hang out.. This was fine but when I asked my friend that morning she said she would have to talk with her sister. She didn't end up doing either b/c she was too tired. I later told her if she had wanted to hang out with the other friend it would have been fine I just didn't want her to feel like she had to lie to me. I get so mixed up with all the indirectness in culture but I still love all my friends. Some friends and there 3 kids ended up coming over and eating dinner and playing games with us anyways. Thank goodness for last minute planning...

Wednesday- Glee night-originally it was just going to be me and one other friend but word spread quick and people were upset they weren't invited and then none of them ended up coming...haah so typical. Oh and a former student called wanting to hangout Friday morning.

Thursday- hung out in office. Some people invited themselves to our house for dinner on Friday not sure if they will actually come but we will see...student called seeing if we could hang out in the afternoon instead...went to a marvelous evening study but got lost for about 30 minutes on the way there and driving home was terrified of how awful people were driving just b/c they thought no one was out...running lights...wrong side of the road for long distances when there were medians...pretty sure a few drunk drivers sped past me.....geez!

Friday- cleaned-just in case people actually come over, had a great morning with the Father(something that has actually been really wonderful this week, having plenty of time to dwell in his word and talk with Him), former student called and said how about 6pm? I told her umm..people are coming over 5:00 or 5:30. She said pick me up at 5 we'll see if she is ready then or not and whether or not she will stay the night or I have to make the 45 minute trek 4 times today! Then I was supposed to have lunch with a dear friend who is in a funk..got to the restaurant and called her(we planned this on Wednesday) she forgot....she apologized profusely and told me next time she would text me she doesn't cancel very much so I believe she was truly sorry but it still hurts a bit....

You see sometimes I wonder why my confidence shifts....is it this hard to spend a single hour with a friend in America? Maybe, but things always seem to come up here . Today I realized that I take this personally a lot when really they don't mean it that way....hundreds of years of chaos..controlling parents and random emergencies that happen all the time keep people from making commitments b/c they know they cannot keep them...so how do you have friends?

PATIENCE-Thank goodness the Father has given me a persevering spirit. I don't tend to give up on people no matter how hurt I feel. I want to seek to understand instead of remain angry. As I transition into new work this year I will do my best to love those around me, especially the teachers I work with but I do fear some of the inevitable pain of losing friends....not b/c I want to but b/c the time I spend seeking after them might be in vain...I always have to work around their schedule...I ask that you would ask the Father for wisdom in this area especially that of knowing when to let go and when to hang on in a culture where you are always left hanging...I know I will be presented with many challenges either way and that just b/c I reach out to a new crowd doesn't mean I won't encounter some of the same disappointments. I guess I shouldn't say lose friends as much as our relationships changing from deep to shallow or distanced..I don't know which is worse, but I do hope to still have some close friends...

I also need to remember that although people may disappoint me that doesn't mean I am a disappointment or failure. The Father still loves me and just b/c they disappoint me it doesn't mean they don't care in fact probably the opposite they just don't want to hurt me...everything here is so backwards and yet still I know it is where I am supposed to be right now...

Great Aunt Mary

2010-06-29T20:22:00.000-07:00

My older brother and I / Aunt Mary and my older brother / Gran Gran and I

June 26, 2010 my great Aunt Mary, often just referred to as Aunt Mary died... She was an amazing women. My Gran Gran (grandmother)would have never made it through this life without her. Gran Gran never got anything done. They were such a good pair. She was the tough older sister and my Gran Gran was the innocent loving one. Both were amazing story tellers and such caring people. Aunt Mary wasn't compassionate but always made things happen. Gran Gran was the dreamer and Aunt Mary was the one who made the dreams a reality. Their mother died when Aunt Mary was 13. Ironically, this 96 year old outlived her two younger siblings that she helped raise. She was ready to go home. I have fond memories of Aunt Mary and Gran Gran together and all the fun we had together. The stories about their childhood, the gift of perserverance they passed on which I know must come some from the Hogan side.

Aunt Mary was either Mary Allene or Allene Mary. She said her birth certificate didn't specify. She was such a hoot, always telling stories of places she hadn't really been but knowing enough about them for it to seem pretty accurate. She always said what she thought. Sometimes I wish I was more honest like her but other times I am so greatful that I am not because of the trouble she often got herself into, and my heart just isn't the same as hers. She had a strength I don't think I will ever have.

Aunt Mary was often with my Gran Gran growing up trying to set her straight even if Gran Gran didn't fill it was necessary. I remember when Uncle Dick(the middle child) died she even kept nudging my Gran Gran and making her sit up straight when my poor Gran Gran was no longer capable of this. They always made me laugh but they loved one another deeply. I am so thankful for those Aunt Mary's in my life.

I am so thankful for such a wonderful family, but especially for my older brother who has been my Aunt Mary throughout my life. We may have our disagreements but we make a good pair. He is my polar opposite and although I know my older sister and younger brother love me it is the older brother who pushes me to perserve. Thanks Shane!

Blog 61-PRINCE/PRINCESS AND THE BEAST

2010-06-26T06:54:00.000-07:00

Numbers seem a good way of keeping track of things- today I came to a few realizations

1. While walking downtown soccer has a lot of commercials and I guess it is in Africa yeah I am not a huge sports fan if you can't tell but I think some people actually watch it b/c of the commercials like the super bowl...hmmm...strange

2. Movies come out again and again...there really is nothing new under the sun! Alice in Wonderland, Karate Kid, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory....how many versions of one movie will our children have and will creativity seize to exist

3. I will always forget words that I just learn in Lao maybe not know the tone or grammar structure but still someone will understand. For example, today my neighbor told me I wear pearls a lot (well, one particular necklace it was my Nana's so of course I wear it) she also told me the word for commercial already forget them both.

4.I will always make new friends but have a hard time letting go of old ones for those who know me well know that once you are my friend you're my friend for life.

5.Changes are inevitable they suck but the Father has great things in store. Lastly a poem to sum it all up

There are no such things as coincidences
Only miracles ordained from the Father above
There are times when the heart seems to stop beating
And life seems odd, eerie, beck(strange) to say the least
But under every prince(princess) is a beast and a beast under every prince(princess)

Things that happen
These miracles
Mostly are friends
Though they may wither
Tear and be mended
Loved like old shoes
That can't be reprimanded
Re-styled, molded like the potters clay
It is a glimpse of eternity
On earth today

SO why when they leave
Do our hearts ache?
Why when we ponder ventures anew
Do our hearts break?
Bonds severed
Though hopefully most not for eternity
It is the light in life that makes these things be

For khons(people) are khons(people)
No matter what race
No matter what pathway the Father has them or us take

But pain is pain
In all various forms
It is the Father who gives us strength
To think we mourn then how much more does He mourn?
For everything he can see
Oh the word grief it pains me

He knows the windows
He knows the doors
For each miracle he floods in
Is more fabulous before
Granted it is based on the truth forevermore
For truth should abound from core to core
But oh closeness in all precision varies
Look at the load He carries
Drop yours, it, at his feet
Knowing there is hope there is more

More pain, more love
More learning, more sawn(teaching)
More tears, more laughter, more joy..joy..joy...
ecetera to infinite finite score

Though distance may separate and hearts change
Hopefully in wisdom and stature they gain
For what a blessing to know so many Godly friends
Even if it short for in this world one friendship mends
A piece of heart and through pain life must start

So next time you think what a coincidence
Remember miracle instead
That the heart hasn't stopped beating only gotten more read
And when life seems odd, eerie, beck(strange) to say the least
Remember you have a choice
Will you choose to take this change and be the princess/prince or the beast?

Walking through the Daniel Fire

2010-06-10T05:18:00.000-07:00

It has been a week since my roommate left and last weekend I was sick but had sweet friends watch over me. This week I stayed with a friend one night but have mostly stayed alone. I feel so lonely. When I was little I used to sing the song "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me! Guess I'll go eat worms..long fat slimy ones itsy bitsy fuzzy ones......." whenever I felt lonely. Lately I have wished I had that CD to blare, even though it is not true the fact of there being something more disgusting than being alone makes me happy! I am going through a lot of changes and don't handle change very well but I am learning to trust and believe more and more in the Father through these struggles. My goal is not to focus on me but others and what the Father is trying to teach me b/c ultimately it is not about ME!(despite what my pride wants to think or say).

I like it when people stay but then I have to entertain them and it takes so much energy and it is not hard if one friend stays one day and another another day on my friends but it is hard on me. I get more done when I am around other people but alone it is hard to get motivated so what do I do? If I am always entertaining others I still get nothing done. Please uplift that I will find a balance. I feel like this summer and next semester are going to have many deserts and valleys.

As I mentioned in my last post songs have really ministered to me a lot through out my life, words, books and anything paper.

Please ask that the Father helps me as "i will go through the fire if (He)wants me to, it may not be the way I would have chosen as (He) lead me through a world that's not my home, but (He) never said it would be easy (HE) only said I'd never go alone so when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself and I cant hear (Him) answer my cries for help I'll remember the suffering (His) love put you through and I will go through the valley(Because He) want(s) me to" by Ginny Owens

I will remember I am never truly alone, that He is sovereign and his love endures forever

That I will be diligent despite my desire to be lazy and get the necessary work done! (that is grading and stuff like that)

Know how/who and what to do with people and when to be alone. I don't like always being alone but I definitely need it sometimes. Your thoughts are greatly appreciated!

Most importantly that my words and deeds would glorify the Father!

Idioms and songs

2010-05-31T06:38:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I karaoked for a friends birthday party. It was a lot of fun but I have been thinking how if I actually listen to lyrics they speak to me. I have always been good at memorizing quotes from books that I read but I don't read much anymore b/c I detach myself from this world when I read and I have to think and process a lot so I cannot enter dreamland that often or else I cannot return. I have wanted to memorize the word but honestly have not been disciplined enough. I am going through a lot of transitions and would like you to uplift them. I will have different colleagues next year and a lot of my friends are moving from here. I think the hardest part about the life I live is feeling lonely. Here are a few songs that have spoke to me....

"there can be miracles when you believe..." -I believe the Father will work out everything though I cannot see the end I know it is there

"everyone needs a helping hand take a look at your fellow man, tell me what can i do today?"- Everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle. We are never alone. We are all human.

"The Father is great, but sometimes life aint good when I pray things dont always turn out like I think they should but I do it anyway, I do it anyway." - Sometimes all we can do is pray and that has to be enough for us b/c ultimately we are not in charge.

"Deliver me from my prideful mind, it grows heavier on me all the time..... Break my heart just like Davids was with a weeping grepped widow in my house....What a sad and such a deadly cry to think that I own my own life......how can I deny my brother when I killed your only begotten son help me to love another you are the only King.- Deliver me from myself, sometimes I am my own worst enemy.

"Aint nobody aint nobody love me like Jesus aint nobody aint nobody love me like the Lord aint nobody aint nobody love me like Jesus he's my friend!"- when the whole world seems to cave in on me his hands swoop under me like the wings of an eagle and shelter me.

"I raise my hands I bow my head, I'm finding more and more truth to the words printed in red they tell me that there is more to life than I can see...I BELIEVE." -The Father is good and life is not based on how I feel but a relationship with the red lettered man.

"Even the King cries, when an angels hands are tied." - I might be sad but then again so is the King. He loves me!

"If your going through hell keep on going don't stop now if your scared don't show it you might get out before the devil even knows your there."-sometimes life seems bad but really it is nothing compared to the sufferings of the Father.

I also tend to like all kinds of songs b/c they remind me of many things but mainly that "there is nothing new under the sun " even living in Laos I recently found that they have some of the same idioms through a talk with a teacher at the language school. Can you match these to their English equivalent?

"The customer is God."

"The subject you study is men or women at University" so this one doesn't directly translate right so basically in English "They went to college to get their MR(S) degree."

"Change with current events"

hmm....or just songs to dance to..you take your pick. I chose a few that were an encouragement to me but please lift up my transitions, loneliness and friendships. I love you all! Whoever might be reading!

Things

2010-05-08T11:05:00.000-07:00

So tonight I learned that two precious things to me had been stolen but as I recalled about a year ago when someone tried to steal my motorbike and at first I acted in anger. My father was quick to remind me that it was just a thing and I have something no one can ever take away from me. Dont worry I still have my motorbike but my soul is down.

I had had the last straw of a long weekend and it was only halfway over. I called my mother crying and the call got dropped. Thankfully by the time it dropped I wasnt so hysterical. I love my mom as I chatted with her for the 10 to 15 minutes at first she tried to make everything better. Then I broke out "Mom, Im okay Im just sad and it is ok to be sad!" She said "Im sorry you are absolutely right."

You see why do we fight feeling so much. If I am sad so is the father but we do have feelings. Recognizing them is half the battle, knowing the way to act that best glorifies the father the other.

Oddly enough, my friend L called me who recently met our master about 2-3 weeks ago but I was talking to my roommate telling her my horrifying news as she talked on Skype with her sister. I quickly called her back but she was asleep. You see she had woken up, had a dream that I was really sad and called me. I told her what had happened and that my heart was sad but I was okay the master was helping me deal with my pain. She was in that in between sleep and awake stage and didnt say much.

I later realized that the master is truly amazing and through my interaction with her although I did not really say anything I believe her decision to follow after him even more was confirmed. I am thankful that the father used my sadness to bring him glory even though I never really said anything but that I was sad and would be ok. It also lifted my heart a bit for in my weakness I saw him made strong.

As school approaches on Monday I am tempted to lock myself in my room and not come out all day tomorrow. I dont know if I can handle another disappointment, failure or whatever you want to call it. (We'll grading students papers doesnt count a project none of them took seriously but I am excited to see their progress!) It has been a long week and on top of the physical challenges I feel very emotionally challenged.

Please lift up that the father would give me strength of faith so that I remember he is near and "all good things work together for the good of those who love him."I may not know his plan but I know he has one. Please ask that I will not live in fear as the world desires but face it with the knowledge and truth that true love suffices and all good things succumbs to it. Thanks friends!

REALLY!!!

2010-04-18T20:07:00.001-07:00

So after a long wonderful Pi Mai trip I thought I would get some rest, not the case. I have had fun with a friend and trying to figure things out for next year but wow never thought a water bottle could do so much damage. After making it through a whole week of water with not much more than a really bad cold. I went to a fellowship with a friend and after taking a sip of my water she handed it back to me thinking I would drink it. I put it in my purse and all of my stuff and hers got soaked! The worst part is our phones. They were okay for awhile and I even thought mine worked. We were talking for awhile and then realized the screen had died! Ahh! Thankfully around midnight I called my mom and she called me back this morning as an alarm....Haha..so I have a phone. You can call me but I won't know who it is and I probably cannot call you back! Yup! Craziness! Hope to get it figured out today otherwise I am phoneless, cameraless, watchless but hey at least I still have a computer. Guess communication through technology is over-rated anyways!Heehee

Saibadee Pi Mai

2010-04-17T01:24:00.000-07:00

Wow! I had a great week up North full of many adventures with 4 wonderful women, but now I am still recovering from all the excitement. I have to get back to real life. Sam Neau is so beautiful I love this little quaint town. It reminds me of something out of a fairy tale. It is small but not too small. A lot of things are available, maybe not everything but it has the most perfect weather, not too cold or hot.

My adventures consist of some very pukey bus rides, lots of Indian food from an amazing restaurant in Sam Nuea and a new friend that is so cute! Too bad she lives so far away N (her name) was amazing! Worked in Vientiane for 5 years then moved to Sam Neau this year and is all alone. She is only 18! Wow, Lao people never seize to amaze me. They maybe laid back, but by no means are they lazy! Many waterfalls, lots of water, a cold from the water, history that brings tears to my eyes, friends who make me laugh amidst my tears, time alone when I cannot take it anymore, lots and lots of tea, great conversations, and wonderful tour guides as well as much more!

My disclaimer:although Phonesavahn was fun Sam Neau captured my heart. Probably partially b/c it is not as big as Vientiane and the people were so friendly, sometimes I miss smaller towns but I do love my friends in the city and am excited to see them again!

I spent a lot of money but every cent was worth it. Hopefully I can ease into this next week. I don't even know if my students will show up! Hahah but I must be prepared just in case. After all, finals are suppose to be this week!

Favorite Things

2010-04-06T20:22:00.000-07:00

As much as I complain..I am trying to be more grateful..I have realized lately although life doesn't always go the way I plan I know I am blessed in more ways than I can imagine.trying to remind myself of this as often as possible...focus on + and not -.Life isn't about me anyways but the difference I make for my daddy!

I love rhyming and songs and dancing. If only all of life truly were a dance! Haha..here is a rendition to a few of my favorite things..though it might not exactly follow the beat you get the idea...

when the hot weathered wind smittens dust upon my sweaty skin and heat causes rashes..and I don't know if I am dirty or tan as it passes? these are few of my favorite things....mangoes,sticky rice and pingkai;friends who love me even though I don't why;khon lao who take me under their wings; these are a few of my favorite things; when the ravid dog chases, when the heat stings, when im feel sad...I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad!!!!!

What a difference a day makes

2010-03-20T07:31:00.000-07:00

Today I intended to wake up at 7am and start cleaning but did not realize how tired I was thankfully it was saturday and 7am turned into 1130!

Anyways I was cleaning away at my room I mean deep cleaning which can get pretty messy when a former student called "Teacher, I am coming to your house soon ok see you soon!" I quickly responded "Wait! My house is so messy..." unable to finish my train of thought she quickly responded "that is ok teacher I will help you clean." Then hung up. Mortified I began to frantically pick up as much as possible before she arrived. I was also doing laundry and that was strung all over the living room, so embarrassing. Anyways, she arrives not just her but her friend that is a guy. She proceeds into my room and tells me "Teacher go away I will clean." I monitor her from time to time as I fold clothes and put new ones out that were in the wash. At this point thankfully it wasn't too bad.

I move on to clean the bathroom and she cleans the kitchen. I guess it was nice having an extra set of hands, if only she hadn't criticized me so much "Teacher, you are an awful cleaner!" "Teacher, you should call me whenever you need to clean because you cannot do it good!" "Teacher call me before it gets so messy, ok?" I have been out of town the past 3 weekends and busy teaching. I wanted to stay at home "alone" hints the word alone but I guess the father had other plans so I decided if I cannot change things just enjoy them. I don't think I am that awful but I also felt so invaded. Just a difference in culture.

She then proceeded to invite herself for dinner by asking "Teacher, can we stay here and eat spagetti for dinner?" I said I didn't have the stuff for spagetti so we ate chicken fetticine alfredo with mushrooms. I cooked while they watched "Marley and Me" in Thai. She kept asking me if the dog was going to die then let out the wierdest cry when I finally said yes b/c it skipped over that part.

So my day with them began at 2:00pm and ended at close to 9pm with them. The girl then wanted me to explain how to use her facebook to her so I did. We talked to her boyfriend in Singapore on skype. Poor friend of hers whose name I don't know sat down all day and read through my Lao books while we cleaned, waited as his friend talked to their boyfriend, can we say "akward." Then got to go home. It was funny b/c ususally I am on the other side but today I kept working.

S said anytime she would come and help me clean after she gave me a lecture about exercising and how jogging is better for you then biking. She is like 70 pounds and never exercises does she really expect me to listen to her? Anyways I know she was happy to help but I like my privacy. I dont always want others cleaning for me. Hope I don't have to get over that. Guess it could have been worse. At least she knows I care about her, maybe too much! She told me next month when she gets a motorbike she will visit me everyday. I told her "Maybe not everyday" I mean seriously that is a little much. She told me that she was my little sister now. Which means that although she still calls me teacher she thinks of me as an older sister.

I never thought about pouring into her but my daddy is funny sometimes. It is always the people I expect the least to want to know him that are the most open. Please be asking for wisdom and discernment in my interactions. I love all my students both present and past but I have got to balance these relationships and learn how to put up some boundaries, it is just so hard when you care about so many people I dont see how He does it! Thanks father for knowing all, seeing all, and hearing all!

I sad down by the River Nang Num and cried

2010-03-08T00:15:00.000-08:00

This weekend was amazing thanks for all your thoughts....I rediscovered some loves I forgot I had...that of reading, being outside and swimming. It had been so long since I had done any of these things..

I finished two books...

1. I sat down by the river Piedra and wept by Paulo Ceola- It was amazing. It talked about how although Abba came to earth as man our King actually has a feminine side too. How valued we all are in his eyes. It addressed many issues such as suffering, love, loneliness, longing and unity. I did not agree with everything but it got me thinking of how easily I forget all that has been given to me. May he continue to use me in my strength and weakness to bless those around me.

As I finished this book I wept. Yes, that's right. It was a needed release...it was tears of many emotions I could hardly describe..knowing I am here for the long run...missing my family...longing for a partner but yet not knowing if I am ready for that..confusion and happiness knowing that I am taken care of and only he knows the ending of my story.

2. THe Ester Effect- It tells you 7 secrets to being a modern day Ester. I thought about all of those who have been Ester's in my life both in Laos and America and how Abba has allowed me to be Ester's in many peoples lives..again may he continue to use me in weakness and/or strength

Off to the pool to read some more and relax...finished my grades...ready for the week!

Water

2010-03-04T02:37:00.000-08:00

Water lately seems to be the theme of my life...I love Bethany Dillions song "Deliver Me" I feel like it has encompassed a lot I have learned. I put a video together...admitably not that great but I think it gives you a feel of what I am going through now. Tonight I cooked a meal for one b/c my roommate is out of town till next week..it seems delicious but as the water boiled on the noodles I was reminded of James 1:6 "but he who doubts is like a wave of the sea blown and tossed in the wind."

I do not doubt the father but strive to follow his commands my understanding of his ways confuses me and I struggle when things are uncertain. Lately, I think I know it all then he throws a curve ball. I wrote my newsletter twice once two weeks ago and decided it was too down and vunerable then rewrote it much clearer. I thought about posting the first one or part of it on here and then for the above reasons decided not to.

This weekend is women's day so I have an extra day off I couldn't finish all I had to get done b/c of the overwhelming thoughts that lingered in my mind. Please ask the father that as I venture to a city with a friend for the weekend that I could put my brain on a shelf and be at rest for I know he cares for me.My brain and heart are too full but his is not. Monday I will have a lot to finish so please uplift that I will have the energy and motivation to or at least the strength. Thanks friends!

Lay em down

2010-03-02T02:57:00.000-08:00

Today I had a meeting and the song by Need to Breathe "Lay 'Em Down" kept coming to my head. I am so glad to finally be connected to the world again but you know in some ways it makes me think...what has our society come to if we don't have computers we cannot communicate...so many false realities...who even knows who reads what anymore...

B/c of this I have set a time table of 1 1/2 hours a day on the internet..it started off as 1 but I always went over so I thought I would give myself some grace...I want to keep up with people but also really live and help out others... It is funny that due to the lack of internet I had I feel that I have been able to pour into more people..I think that this will help bring balance to life of course certain things like SKYPE don't count that means telephone...I would love to catch up with anyone who so desires...

Anyways, back to main thought....Lay "Em Down..it was a comforting picture to see in my mind all my treasures floating down the river into his arms. I also thought of mosaics how something so beautiful can be made from something so ugly and broken...that is how our lives are...the mosiacs not finished..I have to continue reminding myself of this...

Also, yes I do often write when I am down...attempting to process things...so no I am not always a downer or upper(if that is a word)? I am human and just trying to figure out his greater plan like everyone else.....

Whirlwind

2010-02-15T04:35:00.000-08:00

Ever fill like your head is spinning, like you're the boat caught in the whirlwind of the ocean waiting for the waves to either succumb you or die down. Well, that is probably the best way to describe my past couple of weeks.

I got home from Thailand, hung out with the parents and then back to work. Except I had another class and a teacher had asked me earlier to teach for her. Another 18 hour week as well as having an awful cold. Facebook deleted my wall and I felt so alone like no one cared but no one really knew. I'm prone to disaster hah...guess part of that comes with human nature.

I feel like I have learned so much from the Father in the past few weeks that today I took sometime to process it. I think I am still way off from grasping most of it but I know He has a plan and that it is all in His hands. Just resting with Him was relaxing, that and cleaning a little, of course I didn't finish but that is ok. Life is a process right? A process we are constantly processing? haha yes that is how it seems to work. There is always so much that I don't get done each week but I think that is part of His plan. If I could do everything I wouldn't need Him right? Besides it is not of me anyways as much as I want it to be. It is Him!

Blessed

2010-02-08T00:00:00.000-08:00

Wow, I am in awe that the Father allowed my parents to visit even though it was only for 4 days. My time in Thailand was also blessed a lot more than I expected. I am teaching 18 hours this week but created the lesson plans already. It was really neat to allow my father to be able to see my work and get to be a part of it.

Today I have been down a little as to be expected. I foolishly forget all the sacrifices my parents make for me and how blessed I truly am. My theme for the next two months is blessed. I am trying to focus on the positive instead of the negative.

I might not have a camera but my dad took a lot of pictures and so I have several.

Hopefully my students will bring pictures on thursday for their notecards.

I have a bad cough but my Lao friend went with me to the "clinic" and I got some medicine today. It has helped a little but maybe I am just being ambitious.

I stayed at the Lao school for awhile today b/c I did not want to be alone and they were all really sweet for me as I wrote my lesson plans. Thanks guys!

Lastly, I like quotes one of my favorites is by Emily Dickinson "If I can stop one heart from breaking, or ease ones pain or help a fainting robin unto his nest again I shall not live in vain."

I like to write so here is a take off of that poem as it relates to my life in Laos.

"If I can help one person

to befriend the father

or loosen their chains

of sins past

I know my impact for him will last

but I alone cannot intercede

For it is his strength that carries me

And I am thankful for the strength from him in those around me

The hands, arms, and legs

The body

I ask the father to do his work in me

May I be fruitful

In order to bless thee

For a life gained

Far outweighs the cost

O father

Help me to be lost

Lost in thee

so that I may bring you all the glory

All the glory

If I can show one person his love

And bring a bit of heaven inside ye

I shall not live in vain

I shall not live in vain."

Bao Mai

2010-02-04T13:15:00.000-08:00

Pao mai is the Lao word for goals. Mai is new and Pao I'm not sure what it is but Bompao is balloon so something to do with the idea of expanding maybe. Pao is a nickname for people with chubby cheeks. Maybe to hold something new? Anyways, I don't usually make new years goals but this year I decided to make one. One day in our Sunday group we were talking about being bold but gracious. I want to learn to be more honest with those around me and expect the same in return. Not sure how to go about it but I've already seen some progress. I care way too much what others think and not enough what the Father does. Who do I really live for some days?

On a different note a funny story- so I went to the eye doctor b/c I can see fine but when I read I have to hold the book really close. I just wanted some reading glasses. Well they gave me this test and all I ever saw was a blurry picture I think it tested my pupils or something. Then they told me basically your eyes get tired. Just close them for 5 minutes and when you open them you can see again. Well, 5 minutes on 5 minutes off is not going to work for me. I'll have to find another eye doctor in Vientiane...hahah

Hello New Year

2010-01-16T20:34:00.000-08:00

Wow! What a year it has been! I couldn't remember my password and it was connected to another e-mail so 3 months later I can finally post again. I had a wonderful New Years with my friend Patty and her family and am so glad to be teaching again! I feel like I have purpose again and I love seeing all my former students faces around! Christmas was great too. This year has been a year full of adjustments but a good year so far. I have some wonderful friends which helps a lot. The Father is good.

I finally have Internet and am so thankful for two teammates who have taken me in. I eat dinner with them once a week and it is so much fun. I am also meeting a lot more families and realizing how BIG the foreigner community is. I am learning more and more that no one is perfect and that we all struggle in someway to control our lives instead of handing it over to the one who gave it to us. My goal for this year is to be more FOCUSED. It is so general but more specifically to focus on pouring time into my teaching and a study with two girls. I don't want to be super busy and am sad that I probably will not be taking language next semester. i really love the teachers and staff there and hope to take more in the future. If I am only teaching 4 hours until the end of march I might take it for one month 3 times a week but we will just see:)

Hopefully, I will be able to update you on more of my adventures now that I have internet!

Thanks friends!

Oh Language

2009-10-14T05:09:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought things were going to slow down I am teaching 19 hours this week but next week I have a breather and hopefully a house by then. We will see. Tonight I went and ate Kowpiak by myself for dinner(its one of many yummy noodle soups). Anyways it was pretty loud outside and the two girls next to me were talking I couldnt tell if it was Lao or English but I pretended I understood sort of a dangerous fun game where you are listening and counter -answering(is that a word?)It made me think of A Tale of Two Cities. I love that book! At one point two people are arguing with each other in different languages so the whole thing gets pretty misconstrude. I thought hmm...how often that might happen here and what a funny thing language is!

Falling Apart

2009-10-10T01:28:00.000-07:00

Ever feel like your inside a black hole falling, falling, falling waiting to hit the bottom. Well, I do. I think I am getting closer to the bottom but things are always harder before they get easier. A list of my life last week
1. No money
2. No phone
3. No internet still trying to think of what I will do. I really only need it for Skype but I like privacy when I talk to the parentals. Maybe I'll never really be able to pour out my heart and them theirs while still in Asia.
4. No house- rent is up October 25th
5. Trying to figure out what the future has in store. Knowing I am suppose to be in Laos for awhile but not knowing what that looks like.

This week-
1. I have a phone-finally!
2. I have enough money to get me by until my debit card comes
3. Still no internet
4. 2 pink house options
5. Still trying to figure out my life but I cannot do it alone. What is my purpose?

Please uplift my purpose, perserverance and housing. Thanks!

Quiet Whisper

2009-10-06T00:43:00.000-07:00

So I went into the teacher's office today and found out that M is getting married christmas day. Christmas will never be the same here. I think holidays are the hardest. She is my closest teaching friend so I will go. Last year I had to teach. This year a wedding. They celebrate many holidays but this is one of the few that is not so important to them. I guess I have to give up trying to make things something they are not.

I am also really poor b/c I cannot find my debit card I have searched everywhere even gone previous places I have been to no avail. I hope to be able to find it somewhere in our house but we will see.

Today the teachers teased me again they poined to N who is pregnant and told me that I look the same as she does sometimes I can take it better than other days. It's been a rough three weeks but the Father is good.

I have been reading first kings and today I read one of my favorite verses He was not in wind or fire but a gentle whisper. I feel that way right now He is my calmer, redeemer and friend. Although fires may consume and winds blow all around me He is my quiet whisper that keeps me sane.

Dewey

2009-09-25T01:57:00.000-07:00

Well, a friend of mine told me I should update my blog. I have been here only about a week and a half and already things are crazy. Tonight I get a cord, then I have to organize my students gifts, go with someone to get sihns(Lao skirts), help someone move in for two weeks so yeah.

Anyways, back to the main subject. I gained a little weight this summer eating American food. Well, of course that is the first thing many Lao people have pointed out. I failed to think about my sihns so I put one on higher making it too short. Well, all the SP teachers who consider me family teased me, but then I had to go to the market with M. Thankfully, she covered for me. I love how no one else was allowed to tease me or say anything but all she said in Lao was dont say anything I got it mostly with just glares. Then we had a huge meal where I joined them after unsuccessfully trying to gain some hours. It was so fun. I learned to make jeo king. Its a ginger sauce. Although I am tired and still trying to work many things out I am thankful that already this year is so much better than last. Next week I start teaching 8 weeks and then a midterm. Lets see how that works out. Keep me in your thoughts.

It's Labor Day!

2009-09-07T10:20:00.000-07:00

Today I walked in Race for a child and walked about a 15 minute mile(total 5k). I am so out of shape..haha. My two goals were to make it in under 45 and to not be last. I made it in 44 minutes and may have been close but wasn't last. I was suprised at how many people I knew there. I now see what a social thing it is. I am trying to get back into shape before I hit Laos humidity. This summer we have had the best weather ever. Im going to miss such cool days. Today it was perfect for running. It was foggy and cool. I have to keep it up hopefully I'll get in a routine in Laos.

Im amazed and saddened at how many places are open today. Maybe it is because of the economy but still it is a holiday. People should be spending time with family and resting not working-geeze.

-Im trying to get everything packed. Something I stink at.

-Attempting to not worry and finish a few letters(mostly thank you notes)

-Making a zillion lists and wondering hmm..what am I actually going to get done? Im getting better at realistic goals but still sometimes my imagination and creativity get the best of me. Anyone else feel that way?

Razzle dazzle Frizzle frazzle

2009-09-05T15:10:00.000-07:00

Ahhh..I leave in 9 days.. 9 days... Today I went to Sams to pick up a few things. I ate lunch/dinner there. Growing up we did this often. We ate the samples for a meal. I had corn, rawberrsteak, shrimp, hummus, guacamole, canned fruit, two samdwich squares one turkey and one sloppy joe, and frozen strawberries..oh yeah. It was delicious the most expensive thing was the $.71 water. I leave Wednesday and am stressing out so much to do and so little time. I want to thank everyone who has been so kind to me and visited with me since being home. I am sad that I did not get to visit with you all but hope that you know I do care and am thankful for your support. If you want to hear stories feel free to call me at 479-756-0754 before I leave Wednesday. Thanks again. Please be uplifting my travels and readjustment.

Directions-hmm...directions

2009-09-02T14:21:00.000-07:00

Wow! It is crazy to think that in 11 days I head back to Laos which has become my new home. I miss my friends there so much but know that I will miss those in the states once I return.

One thing I have realized recently is that any sort of change makes me nervous. I thought it was only doing things for the first time but anytime I enter the unknown a wave of butterflies come passing through my stomach. I know the father will provide and my time home has been such a confirmation of that so then why do I still have fear in my heart? Because I am human and that is one of the many quirks that comes along with the way the Father made me.

So this week I have been raising funds to go back to Laos on and driving a lot to visit people in the Oklahoma area. Well, thankfully I haven't gotten too turned around yet. I went from Arkansas to Edmond(3 1/2 -4 hours)-stayed there two days, Edmond to Tulsa(1 1/2 hours towards Arkansas) and then Friday I go to Guthrie(1 1/2 hours back towards Norman and drive 4 hours home). I tell you all this for a reason.

As most of you know my sense of direction is slim. Today I took the wrong exit to Tulsa and got a little turned around. Of course on my attempt to turn back west I went further East. I then stopped at a gas station and asked for directions. One person told me turn left on this road and go till you cross the bridge then turn right after the McDonald's. Well, the other guy in the store said the same thing except turn left after the McDonald's.They also had told me there was another gas station next to the McDonald's. I had decided I would just ask there if I needed to well neither one of them were right. The exit was before the bridge and I saw my brothers apartment complex and made it with only about a 10 minute detour.

Sometimes life is like driving on an unfamiliar bypass and you don't know what exits you might take or where they will lead you but you do know that eventually they will connect. Someone once said "All roads lead to Rome" well, I think they should have said "All roads lead to the Father if seeking truth." We all want answers but I am surprisingly learning to be okay with the not having them. Its a life long battle. I may never like change but I have to accept it. Oddly, I think that the Father gave me no sense of direction so that in bigger matters I could be okay with not knowing the answer. I always used to worry about following Path A or B and now as my mother once taught me it doesn't matter in the end He will always bring us back onto the road of His will.

Some things to be thinking about

That my brother and I would have a good two days together

That I wouldnt accidently go to Joplin on my way home Friday(yes, it has happened before and and sadly more than once) b/c without getting lost I'll make it home at midnight having traveled a total of 9 1/2 hours in one day.(Stamina and safety)

That I could get everything together and be at peace it is out of my hands

For the rest of my support and visas when I get there( I guess mostly though to be at peace there are so many things I could write but someday I'll learn to relax.)

Thanks for reading!

I am blessed

2009-07-27T10:07:00.000-07:00

Right now I am at 15% of 100 for my support, but I believe he will provide. Some ways he has already provided are that 2 weeks ago someone paid for my lunch. I had very little money so I was extremely greatful. Then I was down to $5 and really needed gasoline for my car. Someone called asking me to babysit. I earned enough to get some gas. Then a friend paid for my dinner this weekend. I am down to $10 for a week and a half but believe He will provide. One of my Lao friends taught me a song that is actually an old American song it goes "The Father will make a way when there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me, He will be my guide, hold me closely to His side....." You get the idea. I am thankful to all my friends and family for providing me with food and other necessities while home, but I am so ready to be back. "Foxes have holes and birds have nest but the son of man has no place to lay his head." I may never feel at home anywhere but I am thankful for the wonderful friends He has provided me with no matter where I live...

Home at last

2009-06-23T13:33:00.000-07:00

Well, after almost a year abroad I am home for three months. This weekend my mother, sister and brother in law were in town. I went to a wedding, shopping and hung out with C and Z. It was so crazy and I felt so bombarded by random people I know with questions I didn't know how to answer. I feel like in 4 days I spoke more English than I have all year. I wish I had more time to process b/c I am not even sure what I said to them. Then yesterday I went to the dentist. That was equally crazy. I am glad to finally just sit down and be. Everything is so different so it will take some time to get used to. As I kept racing against time I felt like I was still in a dream. Now that I finally had a little sleep it is starting to sink in. It seems like I have been gone forever but to some I just left yesterday. Just give me a little time. I've decided after running a marathon these past four days that I am doing nothing but cleaning, organizing and hopefully an on-line scrapbook. Granted my neighbor can fix my computer tomorrow. I look forward to chatting with you but if you want to hear the real story and not just me talking giberish give this little caterpillar some time in her cacoon to become a butterfly before you open my door. Thanks I look forward to chats in a week or two. You can call after Friday.

Things to adjust to:

1. My mother owns 4 computers and most people in Laos don't even own one or know how to use it.

2. What the heck is twitter and how does it work?

3. It took me 30 minutes to open the new dishwasher. Yes, still figuring it out.

4. My mom had a lot of house work done, no wallpaper on the staircase from green to yellow. Completely new kitchen including; microwave, sink, dishwasher, cabnet handles, lights, you get the idea, new bedspreads on my bed, and my older brothers bed, my sisters room that I live in painted one color. The list goes on- I still miss my old bedspread of 6 years who knows where it is now?

5. All my books gone, only a few t-shirts at home. Hints-why I went shopping I haven't bought new clothes almost all year.

6. Everything is just so big!

7. Wal-mart need I say more....

8. New stores in the mall

9. So clean and not dusty

10. Driving a car-so I almost forgot that you have to be in the left hand turn lane to turn left. I constantly remind myself to stop at stop signs and lights and that sometimes it is okay to drive above 35 miles per hour

11. Everything is so expensive! Thank goodness my mom left a lot of food in the house.

12. Cable-wow I forgot how to work it and had to be shown

13. The surround sound and 4 remote controls still don't understand?

14. Taking a bath and when taking a shower not having to put the toilet lid down so that the seat isn't wet.

15. Air conditioning-all the buildings are so cold

16. No flooded streets and not so dense air- I can breath

17. Trees- There are so many more trees in Arkansas than Vientiane. A little suprised but I love it or maybe it is just different kind of trees.

18.The tree on our backporch is gone

19. No squatty potties and soap and toilet paper in bathrooms!

20. Electricity-no dirty bucket showers or intense heat

21. I could go on for quite awhile but this is a good start.

I think the biggest adjustment might be interacting with people after having learned so many different cultural norms this past year. Remembering to be polite.

Massage versus Message

2009-05-31T05:49:00.000-07:00

So I am grading some last papers for my year 4 students. THere final is Wednesday and Friday we have a party. I will be teaching year 1 until the day before I leave then I'll hand it off to another teacher. As you can see it is a busy time of year. Well, my students were writing suggestions for me. They had to write out a question from a phrase on a worksheet and answer it. Well, one of them was "Do you know where I can get a massage?" I got lots of "Sure you can get it from Lao Telecom/Tigo?" and "Sure, you can get it from the post office. " It took me awhile before I realized that massage=message in their minds. Oh sweet students I'll miss them and how much they have helped me to anticipate future cultural problems that never entered my mind.

Faithfulness

2009-05-28T18:21:00.000-07:00

I feel that I often gravel and complain on this blog, so today I want to talk about the fathers goodness. If there is one thing I have learned it is how powerful it is when people talk to the father. This year he has answered so many requests that I could not have done without others. In March I posted about loneliness and 3 hours later a friend called me and invited me over to play volleyball. Another friend often cheers me up when I am down because she has such a joyful heart. I have been blessed with two good Lao friends and 2 Americain friends. As the year comes to a close I am sad but look forward to next year. I will attempt to post some pictures though my computer is a little messed up. Can't wait to see you all this summer!

My Lao teacher and I. They are all so sweet. One of many funny billboards. One of

my favorite pictures- Donna, me, Kaitlyn and Lisa baking cookies.

My roommates at the Boat Racing Festival and Marie's birthday party one of my teacher friends childrem

Workshop fun!

2009-05-09T18:08:00.000-07:00

Ahh...so it has been awhile since I posted. It is amazing to think I have survived 10 months overseas. The father has been good even though it has been tuff. The day I wrote my last post someone called me up and invited me out. It is so neat how little things can change your mood. I cannot post pictures because my computer is a little whacked out but I will tell you a few things.

First, I will be home at the end of June and am looking forward to processing all I have and am learning

Second, I will be returning in October

Thirdly, I cannot wait to hear about yalls year.

Fourth , my day at the workshop.

First, V shows me a tiny picture of a butt with a small part of a hand and says "Kat what is this?" I look at her and laugh and say "a butt." Then she says "No, a ring and points to a fraction of a ring in the corner. Then she continues to cut out the bottom in the shape with the butt crack showing. She hands it to me " I say your naughty" but the side facing me is a girl and her dad so she tells me "Your the one with a naughty mind!" Next, I jokingly moon her with the photo a few times. V tells me "I am naughtier than her." She is so funny and so enthusiastic about everything!

We were doing a lesson on Martin Luther King and his speech. How it made you feel? What are your dreams? Me " Do you know who Martin Luther King was?" V "Of course, he was a King!" Awh there innocence in all areas is so precious I love the Lao. Living here can be a love/hate relationship but the people make it worthwhile.

2009-03-27T22:19:00.001-07:00

Wow! These past few weeks have been crazy and now I feel sad. I will not lie I am lonely and I guess I say this out of desperation. I need something fun to do or look forward to or just someone to sit and watch a movie with me. I know I am supposed to be here and that He has a greater plan it is just so hard for me to see. I want the common comforts and a drive to motivate me but literally He is the only thing motivating me. I guess He is my drive and that will suffice but I miss my friends back home and just want a friend. Thanks for those who chat with me from time to time on Skype and those who write or e-mail. I wouldn't have made it this far without you!

My internal battle

2009-03-24T06:51:00.000-07:00

Shells released
From their cacoon
The hermit crab
Never ceased
Coming out so soon
The pain but a dab
A night with a full moon
The hidden beasts
The ground my slab
Full of kee foon( dust in Lao)
Around and about watch them feast
The golden retriever and the lab
Sinking amidst the heat in this avenged sand dune
The fingers all creased
As I watch the baboon
The teeth but a stab
And then released
How inoppurtune
The chemistry lab
And yet still sits the high priest
My life a monsoon
Oh what a drab
Thinking of whats deceased
Yet still I hear the tale of the harpoon
Knowing that greatness comes from the scab
Healing but the smallest and the least
Seeing the seeping color of maroon
The blood but a tab
Yet to be greased
In the painted typhoon
The world sits ready to backstab
My heart decreased to be increased
How do I weigh the meterlogical balloon?
As I enter the cab ready for the grab
I feel my heart the brewers yeast
These emotions becoming my signature tune
Yet I always move on with a little jab
Knowing this is the last but not the least
This world is this world and I am, yes, I am ,but part of a silly frigatoon
Entering the aintab
The southeast
I eat off the greased spoon
Knowing the beginning Ninth of Ab
We will all be released
Is all too close and yet so far from this loon

March Madness

2009-03-22T07:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Debbie,

So let me begin with last thursday it took me 2 and a 1/2 hours to catch a ride to get home from language school. Friday I was super excited to get a new bike! I got it during rush hour and it was too late for them to get an alarm put in so I have to do that sometime this week. It was also raining but I made it home safely. Anyways, since then a few things have happened.

First, on Friday I spent the night with a friend and put my bike inside her house. Coming home I toppled over but no damage done to the bike just one scratch. I am not good at getting into our gate, but the saddest part is that both of my roommates and their boyfriends were there and no one heard me yell "Help" I didn't want to burn my leg on the boiler. I managed to get out fine. Lately, I am home a lot by myself and even when I am not people don't hear my cries which leads me to the next thing that happened.

Secondly, yesterday, I had a Lao friend help me drive again and I learned how to better stop and start and how to turn better. I was nervous about these things so I wanted confidence and I got it. Well around 4:30am or 5:00am I hear my roommates bike going off. I run down the stairs to my roommate yelling at two men shimmying up a tree and jumping the fence. Then I go to check my bike the lock is broken(they had to break two gadgets to break the lock). Then I go inside to get the keys. They are gone I wake up my third roommate and it becomes a fiasco All our keys were stolen and two bike locks broken and one the seat lock broken. All of our house locks were changed today and we have to get our bikes fixed tomorrow.

Thirdly, I will get an alarm installed inside but the sad part is it is a $100 more dollars. I also have to take it in a tuk-tuk and ask for all this stuff in Lao. What have I gotten myself into! I love my bike even if I have only gotten to drive it one day. My roommate bought two locks plus I'll have the alarm. Hopefully that'll be enough. Please uplift my talking and driving. I also have to get keys replaced something I have never done before I don't even know how to find a place. I wanna go home! Not really but there are some things I will never understand.

Searching for strength,
Suzzie

Drivng a motorbike

2009-03-11T05:56:00.000-07:00

So hopefully soon I will be getting my own motorbike. I have practiced so many times with my gracious roommate S who let me drive it home from a friends in town tonight. Once I have my own I will have to drive it from their house once a week. This may sound like not a big deal but I have to shift gears and the whole process is nerve racking. WHat should have taken 45 minutes took me a little over an hour. However, I would rather it have taken me to long and be safe than my rushed home to beat a record. It was so scary, not going to lie, but for a third time driving not bad. Once I drove for about 15 minutes being followed by S and her boy on a bike. then I drove to and from the ATM about 5 minutes away(close to the school). The irony is that I told myself for the first two weeks of having my bike I will only drive to and from school except for our meetings on Wednesdays and I have not even made it to the school yet. Ha ha ha.... I may not be the best driver, a learner in the process, but I know with the father on my side. Ill be okay. Please continue to uplift my driving. Thanks!

Loves and hates

2009-02-27T17:48:00.001-08:00

I love me some mangosteens. They have been in season since about December but I haven't had a chance to eat as many as I thought I would. I also like jujubies, kumquats, and strawberries. Can't get enough of that fruit!

I also love V8 and corn but V8 is so expensive here $4 a can I got it for $1 in Thailand I had to enjoy it. Fresh corn is so good.

Lastly I love making new friends.

Things that I don't like. Being yelled at by Lao people saying "Falang", two sided washing machines, walking home in 104 degree weather, teaching in the heat and hurting others when I am trying to help because I don't know how to act.

The age I live in

2009-02-26T04:18:00.000-08:00

So wow this year has been trying but good. I dont think I have ever encountered so many people with so many problems before or known truly the extent I have been blessed. I have I guess that is what they say "You never know joy until you have had sorrow." This week some of the SP teachers had a friends child die. Between knowing little Lao and being a foreigner I wasn't completely sure what was going on.

I went in to ask for more hours to teach because I only have 8 right now and after some talk between them I came to realize that there were none so I proceeded to hang out only to find out 5 minutes into it my favorite teacher M was bawling. I didn't know what to do. She is so sweet she even has a sweet cry! I then proceed to hear M's mother who also works there and speaks little English tell everyone what happened. Someone then turned to me and said "baby die." I think that she said in Lao they were on a motorbike and a car hit them and if the baby had been in the other arm it would have lived. They were taking a bus to go to the funeral. I tried to hand M a pack of Kleenex as she walked out the door but all I got was "Thanks, no worries"(in Lao). I didn't mean to make her lose face if I did oh well. I wanted to leave but ended up sitting there till lunch a whole hour I had not planned and then leaving after that.

I had spent the whole weekend with some of these teachers at another city(same as the funeral). I thought maybe I had met a relative(everyones related here it is crazy). I was angry at first but all that kept popping into my mind is that he has a purpose. I cannot help but think this is going to be used in their lives. Leading them another step closer. Please be uplifting them! Also when I left yesterday one of the teachers daughters M didn't know. Ask that I can know how to be there for them and this culture that is so different from mine!

Holidays in Laos

2008-12-31T21:27:00.000-08:00

So I have been bad about writing in general. There is so much going on sometimes I feel like I don't even have time to take it all in. By the end of the day I just want to crawl into bed and there is always more work to be done, this is all part of being a teacher who is not allowed to have a schedule because of society demands in a foreign country confused or feeling helpless 90% of the time.

WHen I say helpless I mean being ripped off because I am a foreigner all the time or not knowing the culturally appropriate thing to do till it is too late. I am coming to accept this and starting to figure out decent prices and not buy things if they are more than that.

The other day I was on a tuk-tuk and at first I got angry because I understood what they were saying and they told me a higher price than they were paying. You see they told me 5,000 kipp and there were 4 of us the total was 15,000 kipp. I can understand way more than I can speak so at first I was angry and then a few minutes later my father drew me back. I took a look around and listened more, the lady sitting next to me had a sick child and the other two were paying for her to go to the hospital because she could not afford it. It always costs at least between 3-5,000 a person and the more people the less it costs. How selfish was I being I can afford to spend less than a dollar.

OFten when I look around I am either left saddened or angry. There is so much hurt but I expected this. I think the worst things I have seen or have happened have been on the bus that is part of why I want my own transportation.
That and a lot of my friends live on the other side of town. It is a 45 minute bus ride one way and 1 1/2 hour bike ride. I live with two people but they are often not home so it is me and a big house all alone, so fun!

Now for why I really wrote this you see I taught on Christmas day and spent a great deal of it with people I don't know. Then this week Monday classes were cancelled I find out oh Monday morning, not uncommon here. WHy? Because my students are lazy and had a party where they didn't invite me.How rude! They have all their classes together so this has happened before and I waited 15 minutes and no one showed up.

So tommorrow I have no class unoffically. Apparently New Years is now the 2nd in Laos. Why? The university decided to offically close then in celebration. They want a 4 day weekend. Hahah..Whatever....Welcome to my world...eventually nothing will phase me but these holidays I think I hate them being away from home. Eventually it will be better but starting off it is so hard and lonely. I am thankful to all of those back home who helped to make it a little brighter and even in the midst of things it is good to know I am not forgotten. Thanks again and Happy New Years!

Living in Laos and My House

2008-10-20T15:49:00.000-07:00

So I couldn't sleep, I live on the second floor and I had posted some pictures of Hanoi, Vietnam on facebook but those are from two months ago and in an attempt to keep from waking my roomate up, even the faintest footsteps can be loud well I had to make a few I decided to post pictures of my house for you all. Hope it is not too overwhelming :)

The upstairs shower some of the stairs

Upstairs hallway My doorway yeah I know The upstairs deck leads to the

it is see through working on that bathroom

bathroom/shower more bathroom my bed yeah I don't have bedding yet it

is all borrowed

more bed it doesn't match but you cannot tell here it doesn't closet and desk

seem to matter unfortunately either

My desk fan and door window and cabinet The kitchen

more kitchen it is huge! Laundry/downstairs/shower Bathroom or as they say toilet

lots of multipurpose stuff in Asia

The outside- Front entrance The carport Door to kitchen

more downstairs laundry/bath/etc one of my roomates rooms dining/entry way

living room our balcony our entry way

storage room and my door looking off our balcony into

Well, that is most of our house I did not show the upstairs closet or one of my roomates doors but you get the idea hope you enjoy or as my students would say "Are you enjoy?"

Oh this is the life for me

2008-10-09T23:54:00.000-07:00

Wow, so I have already been in Lao over a month. I have my up and downs and I am definately still adjusting to things such as our road every now and then becoming a river and even once falling in trying to get somewhere. Sometimes having to raise my skirt to walk through and other days being okay. I am learning so much about myself, my father and others. Sometimes I wonder how much I am actually processing.

Perhaps my favorite thing that I would like to share is that this week all my afternoon classes were cancelled because the man with the key to that building is out of town. Go figure!Apparently things like this happen often. I waited 30 minutes before being told this. Then the next day my poor students found another classroom and waited for me and today no students showed up so I have only had one set of students twice so far. Hahah.

The Lao phrase" Bo pen nyang " It means never mind or at least that is how I translate it or no problem kind of a cross between the two like no worries. I am trying to learn not to complain but just go with it. We'll see.

To be or not to be

2008-09-13T00:45:00.000-07:00

So this language stuff has been really difficult for me and I feel like I am always lost and without even some of the basic necessities sometimes but it is good. I learn to trust him more and more.

A funny story from the other night. Our language school teaches both English and Lao so the other night they had a coffee house where the two groups mingled to work on their skills. It was great fun. I got to talk to so many students and some of them will even be potential students and Dong Dok where I will be teaching and I see them every day b/c they are in the class across the hall we were just too shy to talk to one another.

Anyways an English student comes up to me after we have been taking picture and points to my stomach and goes what is that? Then she tries to make a little pouch with her pants. Now Lao people joke a lot so I am not sure if she was serious or not but her nickname is innocent so she then goes on and says I eat and eat and nothing happens. By this time I am just dying laughing and she goes on and on. THey are a hoot. They have no problem with asking certain things. I am boggled by so many things but hey life is all about learning.

Then they proceed to tell me they are shy. I mean come on? What do they mean by shy? I guess I understand b/c I am the same way it is just so funny to me.

Laos

2008-09-10T05:48:00.000-07:00

So I have been here almost three weeks and a lot has happened but one thing I have learned is no matter how slowly you want to move or where you are there will always be westerners trying to rush things.
I am currently in language school and since coming to Lao I have managed to buy a bike, lose the tire on the second day, fall down the stairs, bruise my legs and bottom, hit my head on the cupboard, run into a nail sticking out of my bed, been asked if I eat too much and passed a test with a satisfactory score in Lao and still not been completely shocked. That is a summary. I am currently learning basic conversation and have really nice teachers and pronounciation which I stink at. I really want to be able to talk to people in their heart language but I get so nervous. One on one if I know them I can do it but otherwise I just get so nervous. If I just was not so worried or nervous about messing up i would do fine. I am glad I remember to laugh a lot as dad said or else I wouldn't have made it this far.

Blogger never fails

2008-08-15T07:18:00.000-07:00

Wow, well today I finished three weeks of classes and then lost it a little but now I am okay. I guess that is to be expected I just wish I had done it a little differently and I don't have a really good excuse. Granted, I have had a headache for the past two days but I probably would have done it anyways. Three weeks with no alone time or privacy can do it to you. I keep thinking of the book 5 minutes peace. My roommate is a sweetie but everyone needs alone time sometimes and growing up I always escaped to my room. Don't know what to do when I can't do that. Even when you live in a house you can still do that.

In the sorority house I lived with the same girl for 2 and a half years and it worked out pretty well but we both had our escape places. She was a night owl and I was a morning person. I escaped to the basement and studied and I don't know where she went but she didn't usually stay up late at night in our room and if she did she was quiet.
I have to start writing lesson plans and I teach alone on Monday not sure how I am going to write one alone if I can't be 100% alone. Guess I'll figure something out. The other ones we team teach so I don't know if that is better or worse haven't made up my mind I am still a bit nervous.

So today after class I just had to get away. I walked to the park. I was there ummm...4 hours reading and talking to foriegners who handed me their babies asked me to tutor them and oh what not..oh yeah the common questions how much do you weigh in kilos? and are you single or married? I am still in the process of understanding their customs sometimes? I was also confused b/c a friend told me you had to pay to get in bt you didn't so I ended up paying some lady who scammed me for 2 dong to weigh me and measure me b/c I thought how much you weighed depended upon how much you had to pay to get in? I was so confused!

On top of this my day gets better. Those of you who know me know I have the best sense of direction. Coming home I got a bit turned around so a foreigner offered me a ride. At first I was hesitatant but then he said free so I thought sure why not. Well on his motorbike he pulls over in the middle of the road and asks to see the map and wants to know where I am staying I am frantically looking for the card which I am terrified I didn't pack b/c I don't think he knows where he is going and I finally find it he moves my arms tighter around him. He tells me he speaks "small English. " I kindly correct him "Oh very little English" Then he pulls over again in the middle of the road to look at the map. I am a little nervous. He stops the motorbike leaving me stranded with his bike in the middle of the road and goes back to get some glasses which I don't even think are his. By now I know where I am. We are at the other end of the street on the opposite side from where I began but I walk home. He trys to convince me to take his helmet but I am too weirded out at this point. Thankfully I made it home.

I wanted to check my e-mail and facebook but neither would work, sometimes the internet doesn't even work, but blogger would! Yeah...I would like to say that it is ok for everyone to lose it sometimes but it is not...I gotta get that temper under control at least it was this week and not next..as long as I finish my test before Sunday I should be good to go...We'll just have to see that and laundry...boo I am almost out of clothes..not that I have that many anymore.

Jowzers and Photocopy Stores

2008-08-06T05:27:00.000-07:00

Well, so I did not write immediately I apologize. Class has kept me pretty busy. That and adjusting mentally and physically yes I did say physically. So I ate these Chinese things Friday called Jowzers. I think that is how they are spelled? They were pretty amazing, so I ate a ton and it made me so sick. It wasn't until yesterday that my stomach finally began to recover four days later. Someone who has been overseas for sometime told me to get used to it that their stomach is upset like that at least once a month for a whole week so I thought well great! The food was kind of like ravolli but not I don't even know how to describe it. I have been pretty adventourous I even used the tap water for tea but I boiled it twice. I figure I am going to be over here for awhile I mine as well get used to it.
Oh and funny story I got to explore a lot of Hanoi a couple of days ago looking for a photo shop that happened to be a lot closer than I thought. Suprise! Me wander, never. Two hours of exploration and 27 photocopy stores later I finally printed some pictures off. I learned a lot that day but I might save some of that advice for later.

1st Birthday of the Asia Year

2008-08-01T08:06:00.000-07:00

Wow I don't even know where to begin. Yesterday was someone on team Laos b-day and we went out to Pho 24. He turned 33. We afterwards went out for ice cream and when it started to rain another guy so graciously bought us raincoats. It was crazy everyone was taking pictures. Never in one week have I done or been so many places. It was fun though. It is crazy to think how I have become like a family with those in the organization I will be working with. You share so many things and this is only the beginning.
For those of you who know me best you know I love order and thrive on certain types of it. I have lots of oddities. My closest friend is striving to break me of too much structure but I think a little is okay.He is teaching me a balance. I have decided to keep a journal that is a list of random things for my newsletter and some for my blog just for the heck of it.
1. Bathtubs are really high in our hotel. You must have to climb on the toilet or something if your Asian to get in and then you have to sit in them and take a shower because there is no drain plug.
2. The U.S. dollar has dropped 27% in Vietnam over the past year
3.If you touch the bathtub handle to pull yourself up or while taking a bath/shower you will burn yourself.
4. Most hotels are gov't owned but not all.( Ours is)
5. If a building is yellow and green it is probably a gov't building

Thats all for now...

Pictures

2008-07-27T16:58:00.000-07:00

These are from yesterday one of my favorite things was probably that we ate at a restuarant called little Hanoi and bellow it it said recommended by lonely planet. I'll try and get a picture of it later I was just too tired! Hahah where do they come up with these things?

(Suzy, Kathryn, I and Maren prepare for our intense foot message!)

(We have dogs and cats for pets, here they have the most random pets. Yes, this is 2 deer and they are pets in a cement block, so sad! What is up with the Water Village people? hahah)

Hanoi

2008-07-27T06:55:00.000-07:00

Well, I am spending a month here in Hanoi, I just finished a couple of days in Rancho Cucamonga and entered the world of SE Asia yesterday. It is a little overwhelming and slowly I am adjusting. I still have some jet lag but I also feel as though their is so much to process. Things that I never thought I would be afraid of I am. I got a foot massage today and little did I know that meant body. It was a little akward.Pictures to come...but it also burned my neck and legs and I didn't realize it until later. Hopefully they won't blister in the heat. I am heading to bed b/c I really need some good rest. Tomorrow we have another cultural training. They are good but to be quite honest a little overwhelming. I just need a little alone time and twelve hours with about 13-17 people can be overwhelming at times. However it is also really comforting b/c I am always safe and never completely alone. Wish me luck tomorrow!After all this is just the first real day and it is getting better and better. Once I am over jet lag I should be good. it is just a question of when?

Hello Hanoi!

2008-07-17T20:24:00.000-07:00

Well, no one really writes on this so I hope that people eventually will figure out how to check it b/c my facebook on my computer doesn't work and as of Saturday it will be deactivated until my computer decides to quit acting up. By the way I am using my mothers. Anyways, Monday I leave for California for pre-training and then the 25th of July I am off to Hanoi at 1:50 am. Woo hoo aren't you jealous? I don't get there until 10:00am on the 26th, not sure if that is there time or our time then on the 27th -August 23rd I have training..Geese no break so if I fall behind on writing please understand. I am a bit overwhelmed and am in the process of packing for a year in Laos. Craziness isn't it?I am super nervous and scared but I know that my Father will be with me which helps. I ALSO LOVE HOW STRUCTURED THE ORGANIZATION IS AND CANNOT WAIT TO KEEP YOU ALL UPDATED. Whoever that you may be? Ta Ta for now!

10 Things I learned in Boston in no particular order

2008-07-11T16:40:00.000-07:00

1. I still love the East Coast..oh so beautiful

2. Cambridge has a law of one bed per room..Hints at Harvard all dorms are single roomed.

3. I am a better liar than I have given myself credit for..either that or high schoolers are even more guillable than me! If that is possible?

4 Memorial chapel is one of the most beautiful buildings I have ever been in. It was built by the free masons. It has no religious symbols or notable ones, inspired JK Rowlings settings for her Harry Potter books and has Shakespeare in stain glass. Yup I am not lieing so neat!

5. I walk on the side of my feet and according to Jordan that is the mark of a true dancer. Oh yeah I'm odd.

6. I really could teach any age. High Schoolers think I am just as funny as 2 year olds do.

7. I maybe CPR certified but if it really came down to it I am not sure I could do it. Probably the biggest scare of my life.

8 My students thought I was so great they were going to send me to Greece to chaperone them. Not sure if I want to handle that one! Hahah

9. "Your outfit is not nice enough for my Dior fanny pack.Do you have anything else you could wear?" After searching through my stuff J says "Well, I guess that is okay."

10. Students will do anything to help out their friends..Hint climbing out there own window three stories up..over 5 windows to open someones door so that they don't get in trouble.

High Schoolers are a hoot! I will miss them but look forward to having my own classroom in Sept!

Trees

2008-06-23T17:25:00.000-07:00

As you have probably noticed I am not the computer goo-ro I once was. Life has helped me to slide behind. Anyways, tomorrow $8,000 dollars is due in my account in order to leave in July. It doesn't look like that will happen. I have worked really hard but sometimes no matter what I do it just doesn't cut it. I guess we all feel that way. It's like climbing a tree. You climb and climb at a rapid pace and it seems you have a capricious amount of time before you get near the top. Then, the stem is too small you are faced with the task of either climbing down or risking a broken limb. You look down and see the task ahead is harder than the task behind you or you leap to another tree if your a squirrel. But we are not all squirrels so you begin to climb that tree again or another b/c the onlooking view is well worth the climb. That is how life is-some trees you climb you can see clearly, some trees are too tall or too small for the load you carry.. That is just the way it works. What I mean is that life is not often the way we want it but the way He wants it. If there is anything I have been learning from Him it is to always expect the unexpected, ask and you will recieve not just money but often people and glimpses of lives far more precious than any currency could buy, sometimes I'm overwhelmed with all the details that life contains-I'm learning to try and see the big picture instead of what my feeble brain can contain, so I will probably have six more months here to enjoy in my Father's marvels and lots of things to figure out b4 January, abut I know that this is his way of saying this tree is but a seedling and it has to grow a little more before I can climb it. I hope you understand or grasp a little bit of my speech if not I would be more than happy to attempt (keyword-attempt) to explain myself yet again...

A bab lah dah badlah

2008-05-19T10:42:00.000-07:00

So the past two weeks have been crazy and I have never been that good at history. Life is so full of irony.(You will see what I mean in a minute.) I already started to type this once and my computer died so now I type something different. Several years ago I asked my father for a heart like David's and little did I think what else might come with that. I always wanted to follow after Him but I didn't think of what lay in store. Since then my eyes have been opened, not that they were not before, but really opened.
This weekend I went and saw WICKED and it was even more WONDERFUL than I could have imagined( despite the rest of the atrocities of the weekend). Anyways, I am not a daring person, but in the past couple of years have learned how to do more daring things. To be honest they don't come naturally,time is an important element that and a lot of talks with my Father!
So I was kind of down yesterday and I went to my friends house to pick up a reference she had filled out for me. Her son is 5 and I have been teaching him about manners. As I was leaving ,he told me I had to say the magic word to get out . He stood there with his little arms and his legs forming his body into an X, blocking my way, stretched across the door . In return, I politely said"Please." He said "Nope, say a bab lah dah badlah." I chuckled. He repeated "A bab lah dah badlah." It made me happy. I said it and he moved. You know what he was trying to say? Don't you? But why correct a child? He will learn soon enough..Besides I was too tired..
It made me think of 10 things I want to do before I die except I can only think of two. Is not that sad? Oh well...maybe in the future I can think of more..I'm sure there are more I just have to accomplish these first
1. Go Hang Gliding
2. Sky Dive
Maybe it is my mood. Lately all I have wanted to do is fly. Wonder what that means? Hehehe

Busze Daizes

2008-05-14T09:16:00.000-07:00

So I am a lil overwhelmed at all I have to get done but it is cool. One of my friends the other day was reminding me of the story of Abraham and how frustrated he must have felt with his Father and still He provided. I have known for sometime that this is what He wants for me so I know as long as I continue to trust Him He will provide. Doesn't mean it is not a struggle and won't be. Thankfully I keep thinking of the song You Said and am holding fast to the promises in it. Ultimately I have to remember He is good.

June 15th

2008-04-26T07:43:00.000-07:00

Well for the first two or three weeks I have been updating this very recently. I apologize that my posts are sporatic but I can only continue to tell you that they will be that way. I am hopefully leaving for Laos July 21st. All of my support has to be in by June 15th, that is $40,000. I am working my hardest and trusting the Father for the rest. Amazingly, even though I talk to many people, it is a really lonely process, but my Father has been emcouraging me through his Word. I will be working really hard all of May to get my support in and then we will see His plan. Hopefully though if I do not have all of it by then I will have a great deal b/c if I have to go back to working in July or August and continue to support raise it will be a really hard thing, but I trust in Him and that my Father knows what is best.

P.s.- I got my car back and so far it is okay! Horray!

Blue's Blooper Blog

2008-04-24T10:04:00.000-07:00

Well, yet another incident to add to my on-going chaotic life. Last night my car got stuck in water and my phone was dead and I hitched a ride home and then had it towed. I hope it works but realistically it might not. I guess that is just the Fathers way of saying maybe you'll get all the funds in or I really need you to trust me because you truly almost have nothing left. I have this way of thinking up all the possibilities of things I COULD have done differently and being upset with myself but that doesn't get me anywhere. I am trying my hardest to see the bright side and hey maybe inability to drive means less outings and more support raising. Doesn't sound fun but we'll see. I am truly learning a lot. However, dad gets home tonight and I am not looking forward to that lecture. I am too tired for the criticism or critique right now. I understand he means well though so I will listen and nod. I have thought up exactly what he is going to say or most of it so I won't be as intimidated when it happens. Ta ta for now!

Children and Support

2008-04-21T21:00:00.000-07:00

Well, crazy day! It is amazing the damage a child can do in under 5 minutes. Today I got assignments for courses that I may not even end up taking until next summer if I do not get all my funds for serving overseas in by June 15th. I thought I would get my assignment for where in Laos I am going to be. Oh well that will come in due time. I have so much to do as usual but I am hanging in there. Sometimes I think it is a good thing that I am a planner and other times I dislike that about myself. I'm tired as usual and everything seems to be a little worse when your tired. Off to read and then lights out! Hopefully, we'll see.

Children

2008-04-17T10:30:00.000-07:00

So I nanny for an 18 month old who I will call S and an 4 month old who I will call M. S never ceases to surprise me. I forget how often I under estimate children until I challenge them. His day is fairly consistent. We have a total of 2 15 minute reading sessions, 1-2 naps depending on attitude, 2-3 free play times while I feed Maggie, a 15-30 minute puzzle session at the end of the day, 2 15 minute note card sessions, 2-3 30 minute music times and one snack/ TV time for 30 minutes. Well, lately he has been sleeping less which also allows for either art or outside. This morning I was so excited to go outside that I almost forgot to put on his shoes! I don't know who was more excited him or me?Anyways, so far he has had a pretty good day. I love how much he laughs at me. I only hope my students overseas laugh half as much. He does some of the funniest things. Although it is rough and not always the funnest job,( I could use some real interaction with people) I will miss him. The way that S sits through three sets of note cards, does the sign for please to get his way, thinks bobo and boat are the same word and always points to his bottom when he sees a picture of a boat(hey he has the sounds down). He is finally starting to talk more but I only nanny for two more weeks and it is his laughter and gestures as well as well a lot of what he does. I don't attempt to understand him, I only attempt to provide a loving home environment. Well, M is crying! She must be awake and hungry while S just went down. Story of my life! Better go!

Laughter in Poetry

2008-04-16T10:20:00.000-07:00

As some of you know I nanny. This and raising support to serve overseas wear on me sometimes. My mother growing up always read us poetry and these are two of the poems that come to mind when I get stressed to make me laugh.

"O what shall I do
O what shall I do
This book is 42 years overdue
I'd admit that it's mine
But I can't pay the fine

Should I turn it in

Or hide it again
O what shall I do
O what shall I do"

and

"There are too many kids in this tub
There's too many elbows to scrub
I just washed a behind
I'm sure it wasn't mine
Oh there are too many kids in this tub!"

Stories

2008-04-14T21:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I am too tired to write the story that I wanted to earlier and I realize what my mind already knew but is difficult for my heart to understand. That in todays culture or maybe just in life pieces that are so great to us will be lost, but maybe what we would have said is not that valuable. May what I say be of value and truth. Well, as of 9:26pm I end my 14 1/2 hour day with a movie "The Jane Austen Book Club."

Rambles

2008-04-14T09:38:00.000-07:00

Just for future reference, I ramble a lot. I feel that their is so much in my head, heart and soul and yet putting it into words from figures into images and telling it like my eyes see it is near to impossible my thoughts go faster than I can write or speak making it difficult to see the inner workings of the mind, which I believe is a struggle for most. I will do my best to help you understand but there are parts of me that I do not give. Part of that is personality and I will go ahead and tell you that I love personalities, theories, psychology and one of my main goals in life is to understand where people are coming from and share the love of my Father in my actions even more than words b/c words often come out as jibberish. So may jabbers bless your soul as they do mine and if not at least give you a laugh at the melancoly INFJ who seeks to understand and better the world through love.

New Begginings

2008-04-14T09:18:00.000-07:00

So I do not know quite where to begin my blog. Last year I closed down everything like this when I was down in an attempt to simplify my life. Sadly, though as I start back up I realize all that I have lost. You see it is not like facebook where you deactivate your account and reactivate it a hundred times from being overwhelmed only to realize that all your information is still there and only newness has been added. I guess our things are truly characteristics of our life and part of my history is gone. I only hope that someone who had read a tid bit will remember my stories, joys, sorrows and poems. I begin again because life demands it, that is not to say that I may not shut it down abruptly sometime b/c that is just how I am. I wish that I was more grounded like an olive tree, that I was more indestructable but I am not. Well, in some ways I am, others I am not. I love to tell stories and wish that I was a lot funnier than I really am but I am not. We all have many wishes that we cannot give up on. Let me finish telling you about the olive tree and then I will begin to write many stories about me.
You see I once read, in a health magazine in the eleventh grade, on my way to London, about olives. It takes at least seven hundred years to kill an olive tree. If you chop it down all of the roots will grow another tree. A single olive will also grow a tree itself if it falls on the ground. It takes a long time to grow but is virtually indestructable. That is how I feel we are, or at least I am, you see, olives fall, branches break only to grow a new one. Life is full of destruction and reconstruction ever since the begging of the earth. Sometimes I feel that life has destroyed a part of me only to realize it has done quite the opposite.