My Place in This World

Being back in school can be overwhelming but even more than that is trying to find my place in this world, and yes I do have the Micheal W. Smith song stuck in my head."If there are millions Down on their knees, Among the many, Can you still hear me, Hear me asking, Where do I belong?Is there a vision, That I can call my own? Show me, I'm, Looking for a reason, Roamin' through the night to find, My place in this world."

You see I am not an undergrad or graduate, I am not married, nor do I have children, I am not in a successful job or have a job for that matter, I love teaching but also love small groups, I want to be a mom someday but wonder will it ever happen? These are just a few of the frustrations bottled up inside.Jeremiah 29:11 often comes to mind right now "For I know the plans I have for you,declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

I hope to go back to Laos someday but the future is always uncertain. Someone yesterday said to me "What if you are not suppose to go back but stay here?" I have thought about it but I also believe God wouldn't give me such a strong desire if he didn't have a purpose for it. After some prayer and reading in the word. I realized I am not ready to give up that dream. I need that hope no matter how unrealistic it may seem and He has given it to me for a reason right now. Even if it is false hope it is a process of letting go and I am not ready to let go yet. In a world where I feel friends come and go and so does the closeness between them I need something concrete. While I realize she maybe right just because I don't return doesn't mean I cannot have a heart for the people there or the world. Paul longed to return to Jerusalem, eventually our heavenly father allowed him, but it was the shortest of his journeys and only after 11 years. We must do things in God's timing and not our own.

I find it difficult not to talk about Laos and I have become the person I never wanted to be(the one who compares Laos to everything, even holding my tongue sometimes but realizing it often too late) but yet I realize it is all a part of the process. God created the puzzle, not me, my job is to follow his instructions so that I can help fit the pieces together not try and complete the puzzle but trust his ways no matter my understanding level for in the end it is all about him and his glory not me.

Transitions always take time. Time is the key to success, easier said than done. In such a busy world where people don't take out the time to have time it's difficult to make friends but eventually I'll get there. Just have to find those other misfits willing to take time out to not have busy schedules or desirous of doing everything, while they maybe doing good things I think I am learning sometimes the biggest blessing is the ability to do nothing.