Journey On..Blessings in Disguise

So it has been years literally since I wrote in this but today I am writing for several reasons.

1. I'm pretty sure all 14 journals from about 15 years got dumped this past weekend into a dumpster somewhere and I pray that others get as much joy out of reading them as I did but they may just deteriorate and turn to dust like so many things in life. This was not by my choice but I'd rather not get into it. Sometimes you have to let things go...

2.  My sugar has been high this past year and I only had it tested b/c my mom was diabetic when she was pregnant with me. So I'm not strictly following it but I am following it somewhat to prevent having Type 2 diabetes. Anyways, about 2 weeks ago one of my best friends youngest children was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and through talking to her today I was able to learn that a lot of the things she is watching for in him and alternatives I am using could help him. That is exciting to me and that God even uses the worst of circumstances to bring him glory. I don't know what the future holds but I am thankful to have Him by my side through it!

Snow and servings, servings, servings of lots and lots of food

This weekend I got a 4 day weekend. I have done many things-clean, wash/dry clothes, and cook. I have learned that I cook a lot like my mom. I recently got a crockpot so most of these are crockpot recipes. I modify and adapt so here are some things that I made and the alterations. There was only one flaw and I learned from it.

The first is chipotle burritos- I put in fresh parsley and cilantro instead of oregano and chipotle powder. I added a blend of bell peppers bean and some corn pre cut. I also put in some taco seasoning-http://moneysavingmom.com/2012/09/slow-cooker-chipotle-burritos-with-homemade-pico-de-gallo.html#_a5y_p=966977

Then I turned some of the left overs into taco soup- I just blended a lot of cherub tomatoes to make a broth and added more chipotle and chili seasoning.

The third thing I made was chicken with oranges, pineapple, honeydew, sweet potatoes,onions, sweet chili sauce, lime,apple cider vinegar and soy sauce. I learned that honeydew still tastes good. Oranges and lime absorb vinegar. It makes sense tart takes on tart. It was a no go! Blah

The four thing I made was also an experiment.Sultry Salmon- Yeah I like alliterations. It was Salmon, sweet potatoes, and pineapple all cooked in a crock pot with lime and avocado sprinkled on at the end.

The fifth was chicken stuffed marsala- but I didn't really follow the recipe. I put parsley instead of dried basil and added a handful and a half of cherub tomatoes. I only put half a cup of marsala. I had 2 large chicken breast so I adapted.I also added red potatoes cut up and I didn't add any chicken broth but I did add a little water(1/2 a cup).  I only put a pinch of salt and pepper but left most of it how it was I topped it off with cheese when I pulled it out over a bed of white rice. I was thinking of how and what might be  in Olive Gardens chicken stuffed marsala for ideas as there's is my favorite.
http://www.food.com/recipe/crock-pot-chicken-marsala-448535

Non- Crockpot
The sixth was what I like to call Hammontrees Salad- At this restaurant me and one of my best friends always order the same thing. It's the best salad ever. I bought an herb mixed salad and added some regular lettuce to make it go further. I boiled two eggs. Added cherub tomatoes, real bacon bits, a little blue cheese and half an avocado and voila! It's so good!

The seventh was Blackberry lime spread- so I wanted jam or jelly and I keep forgetting it. All these recipes included things I didn't have. It would go perfect with my wellness tea right before bed. I toasted the toast. Put cream cheese on it. Smashed, yes smashed one blackberry on each piece. Yes, I had two, don't judge. Squeezed a tiny bit of lime and drizzled some honey. Amazing

The last recipe is a baking one.It's Cranberry Almond cookies. I'm not a baker. I mean I'm not a cookie or cake fan so unfortunately several might go uneaten but that's okay. They're still good. I took out the oatmeal and replaced it with two cups finely ground almond and being out of eggs used mayonnaise instead. I just put 2 1/2 spoonfuls. Yes, I know lots of substituting tricks. A perk of being an MK:) Guess maybe that also adds to my adventurous cooking, but in all they were pretty good. Here is the recipe. http://www.food.com/recipe/crock-pot-chicken-marsala-448535

I really want to make tom kai gai which is a thai soup but I need some coconut milk. That and curry and I'm running out of tubberware. Next on the list is a chicken roast if I have room in the fridge. I think I have enough food for the next two weeks. I mean seriously!  But I have tomorrow off and I'll probably make more. Good thing I have a job b/c if I just stayed at home all the time and cooked and ate like this I'd get really fat!

Transitioning

Today I was reminded and am thankful for the ways that the Lord continues to provide and the determination he has given me. I mean

1. 3 1/2 months ago I got a job. I didn't have a place to live for a month so my Aunt and Uncle let me live with them and I am so glad at the beginning of my transitioning I was not alone.  When living out of a suitcase (literally) and only having two pairs of shoe I had a roof over my head and a place to sleep.

2. Next I got an apartment in which I had hardly anything but mom and dad came up bringing me stuff and some friends from church gave me plates, bowls, and can openers when all I had was silverware. A Tv and DVD player, and a couch I mean really such grace gifts!

3. I am also so thankful for my church group. They pray for me, love on me and accept me as quirky as I am and are quirky too.

4. I am thankful for family close by, especially my dates with my cousins who let me hang out with them and their kiddos so that I could have something else to do other than school!

5.I am thankful for my co-workers who let me stay with them when my first few days in my apartment the air goes out and almost burned the room down. God's way of teaching me that I can't always stay late nights at school.

6. I am thankful for pants to keep me warm, even if I am not skinny enough to fit into most of them right now. Somehow when my stuff got moved I only had 2 pairs! I was a little freaked! Now I have several. Read the next number.

7. I am thankful for breaks to rummage through hidden things at home and bring back to Tulsa so they don't end up in a storage unit :)

8. I am thankful for friends all around the world who encourage me in struggles, praise my successes and help me to pick up the pieces when I fall apart or simply can't put the puzzle together.

9. Lastly, I never realized moving an hour and a half away would be so much like moving across the world in many ways. THere are so many other stepping stones - changing state teaching licenses, having to register my car and countless other things but I am thankful that God has given me the strength to do these and continues to give me strength to accomplish upcoming tasks!

I-pads and Marsha

So somehow at the beginning of the year I was put in the system as Marsha making it difficult to access all the student data I need. I finally got access to two programs but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that reports will soon show up!

In other news yesterday I got an IPad. In 3 hours I filled the whole thing with educational apps. I am still having to go back and delete some of the apps I compartmentalized into categories. However, I did download one just for fun! It is called fingerpaint and its totally free so check it out!

Egg crates and 10 frames

So I used to abhor math as a child and then when I taught overseas I began to realize it wasn't that bad. Then last year I did my action research on number sense and now I love trying to find different ways to help students connect to this abstract thing, like it's own language, called math.  Egg crates are just one of the things that make a cheap but good manipulative for  10 frame. You are moving from the concrete to abstract. Right now I am low on manipulatives being a first year teacher we resort to beans. I am writing a grant to get some so that each child can have their own set when adding(at least 10 counters and unifix cubes per child would be enough). I'm tired of them fighting to share! Anyways, cut off the last two egg holders with an exact-o knife and voila you have 10 frames!

Math and Beyond

Okay so I'm trying to figure out how to do this http://themetapicture.com/japanese-math/ with smaller numbers. Here are my own step by step examples. Not going to say they're right but I need to figure out where I am going wrong before I teach it if I am. Can it not be done with single digits without having to count every intersection? There has to be some sort of short cut? These are what I have so far. I'm trying to appeal to those struggling learners. You gotta get creative as a teacher!

Example 1:

 Example 2:

 

Connect the 5 and 3 circles to get 8 on the last one

Any suggestions?

1st Year Teacher Bloopers

Wow! Never thought I'd be a first year teacher in Tulsa, Oklahoma of all places. Then again, life always gives us turns we don't expect! I'm learning so much and wanted to add to my blog trails and errors as a teacher and things I learn. Any new job is full of challenges and it takes awhile to figure out your own style. This year I know there will be many things concurred and many things failed but they don't say practice makes perfect for nothing. All work is hard and an ever growing struggle to be mastered. I can't wait to see what the Lord teaches me and brings me through. I never thought that moving an hour and a half away would be so similar to moving half way around the world. So please join me on this journey if you will. I'd love to see yours too! I love Philipians 4:11-13 "I know what it is to be in want and I know what it is to be in need. I have learn the secret to being content, whether well fed or hungry, whether in want or in need. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Not only do I face teaching challenges but building new relationships and a foundation in a new place. My foundation is on the rock and for that I am thankful! My first tidbit is something I designed in hopes to use in the future. I tried it once and they are not ready but it doesn't mean I won't try it again!

Check out my differentiated paint strips!

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/9359111698925595/

What Trusting in Sovereignty Looks Like to a Grad Student

   Last night I heard a really great message on sharing the good news to the world. It is comforting to know that while my heart is not always here. I am where I am suppose to be for now.  A reminder that we should feel for all kinds of people and love them but sometimes that means in our own backyard (work, friends and family). Graduate school is tough but I never thought it would be easy I just didn't realize how much I would have to learn to learn or feel alone sometimes.

 So many times I've had to change my expectations and nights with little sleep don't help. I keep reminding myself that it will be worth it in the end. I've loved all the students I taught and in my Masters that hasn't changed! While there is a lot of change all the time the Lord remains constant. He came to bring chaos so that we could truly understand his peace in a fallen world. We are the ends of the earth and His Word needs to be brought back to Jerusalem was a key part of the speech. A reminder that this world is not all about me but how he can use me. May I have a Heavenly perspective and not an Earthly one!

I am thankful for a heart for the world but even more a heart for people. I struggle under demands and expectations and I cannot please everyone but how do I let my heart let go of these earthly desires and rest in the Sovereignty of my Father? I believe it is through striving to love Him first and praying for the strength that He alone can give me. Phil. 4:12-13. He's been there before. Yeah, maybe not writing technical papers or trying to figure out graphs, but he has felt those same frustrations growing up as He harnessed new skills and He understands my pain and sorrow Eccl. 1:7-8. He has tried and tried at things until finally He figured them out or someone showed enough courage to care for a carpenter.

 As I enter these next few months I cling to Him and Him alone. Please be praying for favor with all those I am under, that I would be able to complete all my work to par, on time and with excellence and first and foremost I would put Him first so that through the life I lead, no matter the pain, loneliness or frustration would be a light of His love to others. Thank you! May your day be blessed with the assurance that He is Sovereign. We don't have to be in control or even understand His plan we just need to give Him the reigns and trust Him as he guides us through the muddy marshes, slippery rivers, and rocky terrains.

Loneliness

We all have it, but why? Is it worse to be alone or to be in a group of people and feel alone? What causes it?

Loneliness is caused by many things but at one point or another it is a struggle for most people I believe. Things like friendships take time, circumstances can be confusing, or feelings unknown/ uncertain.

I believe God gives it to us as a gift like so many other trying things he test us and calls us to embrace him. Where do we go at the first thought of this. In public I retreat to the safety of mind, which isn't really that safe after all as it wanders, but in private I retreat to his words. He loves me, he is with me always, he accepts me as I am and deems me as worthy. These are the truths. Not what my mind wants to tell me like no one cares about you, you are alone (really, I'm sure 90% of the time there is at least one person who feels as ackward as I do!) you are not worthy.

Last year I began to memorize scripture and this helps me to combat the lies the world tells me and my sinful nature conjures. No this life is not easy and sometimes it is lonely but I've learned we have a faithful and loyal God and I want to carry those characteristics. I'll leave you with one of my favorite poems by Ella Wheeler Wilcox entitled "Solitude"

Laugh and the world laughs with you

Weep and you weep alone

For this sad old earth must borrow its mirth

 but has troubles enough of its own

Sing and the hills will answer

Sigh it is lost in the air

The echoes sound to a joyful sound

But shrink from voicing care

Feast and your halls are crowded

Fast and the world goes by

Succeed and give 

And it helps you live

But no man can help you die

In the halls of pleasure

There is room for a long and lofty train

But one by one we must all file

Through the narrow aisles of pain

Covers or Blankets- Will you chose to indulge or lose your thanks?

This morning on my way to school I was listening to the radio. I have been overwhelmed by the workload I have to do, the lack of sleep I have, the newness of so many things around me, and the yearning for the familiar. Longing for familiar friends, faces, smells, etc.. wondering if I'll ever quit questioning or second guessing myself and things on this side of the world, but knowing I probably did it on the other side of the world too. It just looked different. It's been over a year and still I can't help but miss my old friends, their companionship, their encouragement but most of all their wanting to be with me.

We live in such a busy busy world. Not that Laos isn't busy but they make time. They still build walls just different kinds and their individualism isn't so strong so no matter the pain everyone is included till it's not painful anymore. For someone who thrives on quality time as a means of feeling loved being American is no easy task! Granted I still have some amazing friends and this is not to down on those around me because you cannot be held accountable for what you do not know or have never experienced I'm just saying it's hard so here me out. I'll get to my point...Hang in there :) By no means is this a pity party it is just meant  to encourage those other discouraged and drained stuck in the humdrum of holiday despair.

Anyways, back to my story...The radio..."Join us today on Facebook by clicking like. We are trying to get 10 million likes before Thanksgiving. If you like us you just might win..." I don't even remember what you would win but the idea was that you were thankful for this radio station and to remember what you were thankful for. Not making fun of the radio station but I laughed to myself and thought "What if I said "I'm thankful I don't have more stuff?" How would they react to that?" It got me thinking. I spend so much time alone in my own thoughts, surrounded by interwoven groups of people so closely knit. You know those figure 8 shaped toys were the ball goes back and forth and back and forth but never really lands anywhere well that's me. I'm the ball. Are you too? It's crazy because it's a dual comparison, in many ways today.  So now we're almost full circle. Back to the title. 

All this got me thinking "Okay, they wouldn't accept that answer, but what would they accept?" Ahh, I got it! I'm thankful for covers! What? Yeah I said it! Covers! My abstract mind kept twirling... My room has always been a safe haven to me and I've been lucky enough to either share it with someone who made me feel safe or have it to myself a luxury not all have! I'm thankful for my covers literally and physically. The periwinkle purple that I crawl under for my 30 minute naps or cry under after a long day. The covers of good friends who may not be able to relate or may but can't help me because  It's not their role.They don't operate in these circles and friendship takes time! The  covers of friends who watch out for me when family can't. The covers of comfort and many other luxuries that don't cost me a dime. I'm thankful for family that provides food and even things that do cost but really how many masters do I try to serve?

Then I got to thinking- blankets. Hmm...what do I let blanket me? Take that joy away? Fear? Insecurity? Do I let my covers turn into just a blanket and become a raft on the sea of overwhelming papers, feelings, etc or do I cover myself with the grace and mercy which I so readily want to give in my mess of a room that I feel sometimes I'm sinking in? Am I so overwhelmed that anger consumes me and I'm no good to anyone? Am I taking care of myself or just making it through the day. My professor underlines and comments on these journals we turn in and once I wrote " I got through" for a person who loves words I definitely wasn't thinking. Another time I wrote"I'm going to try to get all this done by...." she crossed out try so it read I'm going to get all this done by... Sometimes an attitude check is so hard, especially when your that child who no one wants to partner with or your the last one to get picked every time at recess. Rejection stinks, trust me I know. You can try to force your way in and feel just as lonely if not more than if you had just gone somewhere/done something by yourself, but don't give up! There is no way you are alone!

The Sovereign King's robe longs to cover you if you'll just let him. Accept where you are. His blood was/is enough for anything you have/will go through. One of my best friends who is also going through a tough time constantly reminds me to take it one day at a time or moment if that is all you can handle. I haven't blogged in awhile b/c I haven't had time to think but I thought this thought was a must share. It's not about how much you know or even who you know but the lives you touch and the bits of heaven you put into others. Whether through laughter or tears, He meets you there and He is the only thing that never fails!

So this Thanksgiving if all you can be thankful for is the fact that you had the strength to get out of bed and made it to work, or were able to hold your tongue. Well, that's great. He understands. Or that you didn't cringe when you had to do this or that, you didn't laugh at so and so, or did laugh at their lame jokes, etc.. you get the picture. That's okay! Remember those covers and don't let the blankets overwhelm you. It's all just a matter of perception and the lens you put on. I like to think that the Lord's eyes are like a Kaleidoscope he sees many angles all broken and mixed that make a beautiful picture and we only see one, so hang in there and give Thanks because its one of the few things that even with nothing you can still do!And you'll be surprised at how much easier it is to overcome those blankets and see the covers beneath which will help both you and those around you! Trust me I know from experience. It's okay not to be okay and even that you can be thankful for. You might hate me right now and that's okay too, at least you can feel..LOL! Yeah I know I'm impossible but really what are you thankful for?

In the midst of fire God eventually always provides rain

Two weeks ago I began a new chapter of my life. I have set off for my Master's in teaching. It is always hard to do new things that cause one to be challenged. This past year has been a really hard year of transition and loneliness at times. I have sometimes felt like such an outsider but the Lord continues to teach me through so many things and use me in so many ways. He continues to answer prayers and quiet my fears as I turn to him.

Some days I feel inadequate. How can I do this? What have I gotten myself into? Will it be just as lonely in school as last year? How will I start over making friends? Questions boggle my mind but today I must reminded myself the Lord provides....

First-Friends don't happen overnight and in an intense class I was afraid that no one would talk to me and at first really no one did, but then one kind soul, and remember that's all it takes is one talked.  I didn't have the opportunity to sit next to her for a few days and drifted like the vagabond that I am constantly reminded this earth is not my home, trying to remind myself that everyone was stressed about school work and just trying to get everything done, but even a question or a silly remark would have been nice. Since then we have had 3 simple conversations, one completely through text but I'll take what I can get.

Secondly-This same person is a believer and I asked her if she would be interested in having a bible study at the school we will be at next year to which she replied someone else had asked so I emailed her. We still haven't talked but there is hope of it happening. I don't want to micromanage and I want people to feel involved so we will see what happens.

Thirdly- I am low on money and really need to make a budget. I didn't get any of the scholarships I applied for but still feel called to get my Masters. I won a $50 Wal-Mart gift card in the mail today! Oh how he provides and friends keep offering to pay for my meals, super humbling. I am so blessed to have made some really good friends during a difficult transition.

Fourth- As I struggle to catch up to all the growing technology in society and advances in education necessary to teach on top of trying to fit in may the Lord provide me with a clear mind that easily understands complex things so I can spend more time focusing on Him. I have been trying to be diligent about memorizing scripture lately which hopefully will pay off in the future.

If you think about it be praying for 1. friendships in my MAT program 2. Bible study details 3. Finances 4. Clarity of thought for school classes, rest, diligence with time and Him!

Just want to thank those who still take the time out to read this! It means a lot!

Laos

I wrote this awhile back  I think around Spring Break in March and did actually end up taking two whole days  this past fall where I spent in prayer but didn't really share it  for fear of rejection, looking back I wonder if I missed out on blessing others but you cannot live in the past. However, looking over it I feel it goes well with what I am about to post and thought why not. It is actually an answer to some of how he provided. After not really having friends in classes in the Spring or really the first week of summer school, wanting to encourage others spiritually but not knowing what that looked like next year and a few others are still in the work but He is so good and I will rejoice in Him! Phil 4:4-12

I miss Laos. I have my fits that come and go but it is still a place dear to my heart. Even when things were rough and tears turned to delirious laughter. I miss that.

The cow who stood in the middle of the unpaved rocky road and the times no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get around him b/c he would move to block my way. The neighbors all staring as I fearfully would try over and over till eventually one would come up to me and tap my shoulder and say in Lao "What do you want from the store?" I'd give them my money and almost always it was "10 eggs" till out of habit when they saw me coming the neighborhood boy would take my money and return 15 minutes later with my eggs, smiling bashfully and sometimes we'd even cook a few and eat them together.

The neighborhood children screaming at all hours of the day "Sao Kat. Sao Kat. Yak lin Yak lin!" Or Miss Kat, Miss Kat we want to play, we want to play and promptly replying very often "It's not Saturday come back Saturday at 3pm but sometimes relentlessly giving in. Or the one neighbor who always sat so quietly while I worked and pretended to read every children's book I owned though I know she probably didn't understand much of it. She just didn't want to be alone, or this same 11 year old driving me to get sticky rice at 10pm b/c every place was closed. Yeah, Lao people are pretty talented. I know I am at least 3X her weight.

I also miss having roommates to share the craziness with, being confused, thinking we've come to an understanding culturally only to realize we are completely wrong! Roommates who want to be with me, hang out with me, love the Lord fervently, and point me closer to Him. Watching movies and fighting over who is going to hold the hot computer b/c if it is in your lap that means you cannot fall asleep!

Friends who call me every day just because they haven't seen me and want to hear my voice, even if it is just for 5 minutes while we listen to "Hak Gan Leo" a Lao pop song sung by expats and laugh together because our brains are fried.

The grass always seems greener on the other side. I have been blessed with some wonderful friends both new and old here, but it's strange to think that in such a spiritually dark place (Laos) in some ways I felt more free than I do here.  This earth is not my home and I may wander it the rest of my life but I know I am here for awhile. I do hope to return but I must be content with my present circumstances.

Right now I still have time to reach out to others, love on them, and share my time, but next year I won't have as much time and this worries me. I don't want to lose myself in myself so much that I forget what is really important to love the Lord no matter the cost and lead others to the cross! He has me here for a reason, well actually several, but that is a topic for another time. I want to be seen as righteous and glorify Him, so the next few days I am tuning out parts of the world-TV, phone,internet, maybe music and car and doing what I learned so well in Laos how to do to not only be a human but to be the being.

I will be praying, writing, dancing, cleaning, crafting and who knows what else I'll come up with. If you want to feel free to stop by anytime but I won't be offended if you don't. If you want prayer or just to be with me or a quiet place free of distractions (as our house has many rooms) you are more than welcome to join. My  hope is to come out of it renewed and caring more about how He can use me than how I can serve myself.

I give you my all

My hopes

My heart

My tears

And the ducts that have held them all these years

Where do I turn

For you are there

You quiet my fears

Handle my cares

But I am crazed for you

Oh the things I'll do

Because of what you have done

For me my King

My heart will sing

The stupid limits of man you defied

So defy mine

Make my heart new

Use me your daughter

However

However

You chose

However

You chose

Clinging to the Lord

I've been learning about the Lord's Sovereignity and love for me. How to cling to Him. Here is another one of my silly poems but it is the best way to describe how I want to be closer to Him than anything else on this earth and how He's bringing me there on this journey we call life, full of hardship and strife but nothing  is too big for our big God.

Humbled
I cry
But why
My God how low must I go
To the depths of the sea
You meet me
With You I plea
A world so tattered
So torn
How much more do You mourn
Oh my King
May it be You whom I please
Fallen, dejected, torn
May it be Your flesh I have worn
Not my own
Oh Sovereign King on the throne
May it be Your flesh I have worn
Not my own
Wearing those tears
Healing my dry bones
Making them soft
Warming the cold
Wall of blood
Not my own
Not my own
May it be Your flesh
The Spirit within
May I live for You
For You
For Him

May it be moist 

Not dry

Oh Lord may I hear Your sound
Even when I question the why

Wearing your skin

Turning it in 

But Oh Lord I could never 

Jesus, never be Him

May I worship You and not me  

Example may  I  be
But allow me to wear your flesh
Turn the Spirit free
Flesh no man can carry
May I be in tune
With the Spirit
Set free
Only flesh like Yours
Could make man's hearst pure
May it be Your flesh and not my own
Oh King
Oh King
Enthroned
Forever
Yours
Alone

Depression is Real

I've been reading an old book titled If God is in Control Why is my Life Such a Mess? by Michael Youssef. The Lord has really put it on my heart lately that no one talks about it? Why? Is it because when we are so down we often lose perspective or that we don't often realize how depressed we were till we start coming out of it. Rarely, do people confront one another and talk about it. Again, why? Well, we all just want to be happy. That's the goal in life, right? Wrong!

 Here are some statistics

"-More than 5 percent of Americans-some 15 million people-suffer clinical depression at any given moment.
-Another 5 percent experience mild symptoms of being "down in the dumps."
-At least one person in six experiences a serious, or "major,"depressive episode at some point in life.
-Each year, tens of thousands of depressed people attempt suicide. About sixteen thousand succeed. Suicide is now the leading cause of death among teens and adults."

Why is it so important to recognize it? We all have it and we have a choice, do we use it to draw ourselves closer to the Lord and glorify Him or do we gloss over it and allow the devil to be victorious in its lies? Emotional depression  begins with self-protection"I'm the only one I can trust", leads to self-pity"no one else can possibly be hurting like me!", and lastly self-punishment"I must have done something wrong to deserve this." These are lies!

The truth is
1."As iron sharpens iron let us sharpen one another"(Prov. 27:17) "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." So we can say with confidence , "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid what can man do to me?" Remember your leaders who spoke the word of God to you . Consider the outcome of their life and imitate their faith. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. "(Heb 13:5-8)
Life disappoints but the Lord doesn't. We need one another. He gives us each other to be molded more like Him. Don't isolate yourself when you are in pain. While it is good to be alone with the Lord make sure you are really being alone with the Lord and not just seeking self-protection.


2. "Resist him(devil) stand firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers through out the world are undergoing the same kinds of suffering. (1 Peter 5:9) "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."(Romans 3:23).
We are all hurting people because of sin, but the Lord redeems!


3. "The Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are those who wait for Him."(Isaiah 30: 18) "For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son that whomever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16) "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." (Ecc. 3 :11) "The wise man has eyes in his head, while I came to realize that the same fate overtakes them both." (Ecc. 2:14)
The Lord has already taken the punishment we deserve. He asks us to wait in troubled times and trust His Will over our own for He desires to be glorified.


Earlier I asked what is the ultimate goal in life. I believe it is to have a relationship with the one and only Lord and glorify Him no matter the pain. While not all of this is from the book it is based on things from it. Two more things

1. Depression sometimes comes with a cause and sometimes it has an unexpected reason. It just appears. This is labeled "causeless depression". It goes onto say it "can be fruitful for those who minister, Spurgeon discovered. "You cannot help others who are depressed unless you have been down in the depths yourself." Spurgeon was a pastor who after a fire and seeing people die while he was preaching struggled to ever get on the pulpit again. This was not causeless depression but he suffered throughout his life many forms of depression and "causeless depression" was one of them. These resulted from health problems, exhaustion and some other unknown causes. He went on to be labeled as "Prince of preachers" for all the works he wrote. Yet, depression was real in his life.

2. Perhaps. my favorite "Ministry takes the life out of you."If you want to do great things for God without reaching the depths of depression and discouragement, then you must not allow yourself to become physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted." Did you know that Jeremiah, Elijah and Moses all begged for the Lord to take their lives? They saw no reason to live anymore! After great victories in the Lord Satan always tries to attack. They were exhausted and fell into heavy sleeps. They lost perspective but the Lord brought them back. The world tells us it is about what we do but the Lord tells us it is about Him and being made perfect in Him. You cannot take care of another till you have taken care of yourself."But if, like Elijah, you do get to that point of incapacitating exhaustion, here is the best part of the story:  God will restore you in compassion and tenderness."


Where do you stand today? What are you struggling with? You are not alone and are loved. It may take time to recover but the best part is the Lord has all the time in the world in his hands. So come to Him all you who are weary and heavy laden and He will give you rest!(Matt 11:28)

Mother's Day Sermon

          This morning our pastor spoke on Amos, one of the many books I was privileged to study in depth while in Laos. The point of the sermon was that we are all corrupt and mess up but the Lord does not give up on us! He provides hope and restoration if only we come to him asking for it. Well, the message that I got was a bit different. I couldn't help but think of all those I have known who have been physically beaten, bruised or abandoned. I say this in the physical sense although I know many people suffer things like this emotionally there is just something about not being able to protect yourself outwardly and the harm it does. It reminded me that even for these there is hope. Whether it is a student I have taught, one of their family members, friends or others close to me who have suffered this. I began to pray as we sang that they would find hope and restoration in the Lord. You know the Lord tells us to lead them to the cross for a reason. Thinking of one person in my past in particular I wrote this. My hope is that it encourages those struggling and searching for  HOPE those who are truly POOR, BATTERED and BRUISED! I may not know how to help you but there are people who are out there who do and the Lord loves you!You are worthy in his eyes!

The world coated in pain

The stench of blood 

Swimming in vomit

Creating their own mud

Yet there I stood 

Here I stand

How can I pull them out

They're sinking

They cannot be happy with their sin

What hope did I offer

Oh how I tried

But to understand only You can suffice

The pain from their face

I cannot erase

But You can

Father it is in your hands

I may not understand your plans 

But they are great

Thank You for trying

Encouraging my help

For a willing spirit

Wrap them in your arms

Touch the untouchable 

As only You can do

Cleanser, Healer, Counselor, Savior

Be that to them too

Oh how You love

Love them and me

Please, Please

I beg and plead

Show them 

Show them 

You 

In the world's eyes 

These are the least of these

Help them to overcome the world

See You and your healing sword

For You see all pain 

Suffered to death for our gain

If anyone can penetrate their heart

It is You

So I pray they are open to start

Healing and You

So mighty Savior

Thank You 

Thank You

May they be receptive and open to your touch

For love is not love till mingled with the greatest

And much of much

YOU!

Jesus, Father, Spirit

May restoration win

Because turning isn't easy

From the world they must fend

But You Oh You

Know all 

See all

May someday they'll be able to say 

That they followed your beckon call

May I have the strength to do what I can

Then leave it oh Lord

Leave it 

In your hands

Rough Days

The past two weeks have seemed like one thing after another literally happens everyday that confuses, bewilders or frustrates me but I am so thankful that the Lord always wins. This is a poem I wrote to Satan the other day. He maybe able to temporarily keep me down but in the end the Lord always wins. The title is The Lord Wins

The Lord Wins

My heart drops, drops, drops

Waiting for this pain

Hope it stops, stops, stops

But devil you prowl

Making my heart howl

But you won't win

My Saviors winds spin

Protecting me

You, wanting me to doubt

This pain how can it be?

But from the cross His blood did spout

And it covers me

So stab me

You are really stabbing Him

Try to drag me

The gravel digging in

Dust in my eyes

The Jobs' you despise

The world within

My prayers you cannot stop

His will you cannot block

The wall caves

His blood saves

My pain doesn't equate to what He gave

You think trials hinder

But really they end in His splendor

His Word reminds me

He wins

He wins!

Prayers and Shares

I am always hesitant to post things that I have written because I am not perfect and anything good doesn't come from me but Him in me. A friend awhile ago encouraged me to share some of my writings. I am not sharing those particular ones but I really liked these and hope that they encourage others. A book I am doing in a study encouraged us to write prayers for these times and these are what I wrote. There is something to memorizing and rituals, basing things on the word that really encourages me. I am working on memorizing scriptures and other things. This to a degree is also to help me keep myself accountable. I hope you enjoy and that they are of help to you too!

Waking up in the morning- Lord, give me strength to make it through the today, the tools to do things your way, heavenly wisdom and knowledge too, make me of use to glorify and honor you. Amen.

Before starting work- Lord, give me heavenly knowledge and wisdom too. May my actions exploit your love. May I always think of you, putting you before and foremost in my decision to so that I may better honor you. Amen.

When eating lunch- Lord, may I be reminded of how you are all things, lived and died for me. Bless my conversations, may they be honoring to you. Nourish my body with this food, make me humble too. Thank you for giving me worth and dieing that I might live, love and be more like thee.Amen.

When first laying in bed at night- Lord, guide my thoughts be with me in my dreams. May I pray for everything under the sun, till you think I'm done, then doze off in peace and rest in you.

Lastly, this is a prayer that I have written based off of 1 Peter 5:6-11. Yes I've tweaked it a little so you might want to look to the bible for the actual version, just personalized it, not adding or taking away b/c that is not my job! I have continuously been praying this and making it longer and longer but recently I have been convicted about praying this for others. I hope these are helpful to you or at least make you want to write your own.

For friends and self in times of waiting-"Lord, Humble me, therefore, under your mighty hand waiting till time is due so that I may be exalted, raised lifted up by you. I cast all my anxieties, worries, troubles ,fears and anything that hinders me from glorifying You on You Lord , because You care for me. May I be level headed and watchful. Because the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking to devour me. Give me strength to resist him, be firm in my faith, knowing that I cannot level suffering and so many other Christians are suffering the same emotions of pain in similar and different circumstances. And after we have suffered a little while, you,the God of all grace, who has called us, the least of these, to You be the authority to rule our lives so that we may glorify you forever and ever. Amen."

Wow! I find this rather fitting to be my 100th post. Those who follow this know that I am a lover of words, poetry, music, books and whatever form they may take they all minister to my heart and soul. It's been a rough nine months home but I am so thankful for all the Lord is teaching me and one of those things is and always will be who I am in Him. This adaptation of Jessica Andrews song doesn't do Him justice and is a bit cheesy, but hey I like it! It's only part of the song but you could fit in the whole thing. Just wanted to give you the jist of it. Hope it brings a smile to your face as you follow along!

I am God's chosen daughter

Spitting image of my heavenly Father

And when the day is done

My Saviours still my biggest fan

Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy

But I've got a Father in heaven who loves me

And in His glory is where I stand

It's all a part of me

And that's who I am

I am a saint and I'm a sinner

I'm a loser and a winner

I'm redeemed and forgiven

Loving the Lord and others God willing

I am God's chosen daughter

Spitting image of my heavenly Father

And when the day is done

My Saviours still my biggest fan

Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy

But I've got a Father in heaven who loves me

And in His glory is where I stand

It's all a part of me

And that's who I am

Finding Joy

The Lord has been reminding me to find joy amongst pain, just as he did so can I b/c He will never give me more than I can handle.

Laugh and the world laughs with you

Weep and you weep alone

For this sad old earth must borrow it's mirth

But it has troubles enough of its own

Sing and the hills will answer

Sigh it is lost in the air

The echos sound to a joyful sound

But shrink from voicing care

Feast and your halls are crowded

Fast and the world goes by

Succeed and give and it helps you live

But no man can help you die

In the halls of pleasure

There is room for a long and lofty train

But one by one we must all file

Through the narrow aisles of pain

~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

At some point in high school I memorized this poem and have never forgotten it. It is a reminder to me of what the world tells us versus the truth. Yes, suffering is hard. Yes, struggling is hard. Yes, it may be a narrow aisle but we are never alone if we have Christ. We have hope. The other day we were talking about the church as the body, community and/or family. Are we really all of these or any of these to each other?I hope so but in a busy world how often do we take the time to show we care? Think about it, smile when you don't feel like it. You never know who might be weeping inside and might just laugh out in thankfulness for the small pleasures of joy!