Just another unpredictable week

So this week I had a week completely off...I thought to myself hmm...what will I do? I'll get my insurance set up for next year and my newsletter database but neither one happened...I thought..hmmm..i'll connect with friends and love on them but none of it happened(at least not to the degree I expected)...on top of that every day changed.....

Monday-doctored up my roommate...tried to talk to the parents but they were busy...ate lunch at the language school..then watched a movie.

Tuesday- a friend was going to come over and watch a movie. Hung out in the office all morning...went home took a nap. Got severely confused b/c another friend told a friend of a friend( are you still following? very Lao) that they had plans to hang out.. This was fine but when I asked my friend that morning she said she would have to talk with her sister. She didn't end up doing either b/c she was too tired. I later told her if she had wanted to hang out with the other friend it would have been fine I just didn't want her to feel like she had to lie to me. I get so mixed up with all the indirectness in culture but I still love all my friends. Some friends and there 3 kids ended up coming over and eating dinner and playing games with us anyways. Thank goodness for last minute planning...

Wednesday- Glee night-originally it was just going to be me and one other friend but word spread quick and people were upset they weren't invited and then none of them ended up coming...haah so typical. Oh and a former student called wanting to hangout Friday morning.

Thursday- hung out in office. Some people invited themselves to our house for dinner on Friday not sure if they will actually come but we will see...student called seeing if we could hang out in the afternoon instead...went to a marvelous evening study but got lost for about 30 minutes on the way there and driving home was terrified of how awful people were driving just b/c they thought no one was out...running lights...wrong side of the road for long distances when there were medians...pretty sure a few drunk drivers sped past me.....geez!

Friday- cleaned-just in case people actually come over, had a great morning with the Father(something that has actually been really wonderful this week, having plenty of time to dwell in his word and talk with Him), former student called and said how about 6pm? I told her umm..people are coming over 5:00 or 5:30. She said pick me up at 5 we'll see if she is ready then or not and whether or not she will stay the night or I have to make the 45 minute trek 4 times today! Then I was supposed to have lunch with a dear friend who is in a funk..got to the restaurant and called her(we planned this on Wednesday) she forgot....she apologized profusely and told me next time she would text me she doesn't cancel very much so I believe she was truly sorry but it still hurts a bit....

You see sometimes I wonder why my confidence shifts....is it this hard to spend a single hour with a friend in America? Maybe, but things always seem to come up here . Today I realized that I take this personally a lot when really they don't mean it that way....hundreds of years of chaos..controlling parents and random emergencies that happen all the time keep people from making commitments b/c they know they cannot keep them...so how do you have friends?

PATIENCE-Thank goodness the Father has given me a persevering spirit. I don't tend to give up on people no matter how hurt I feel. I want to seek to understand instead of remain angry. As I transition into new work this year I will do my best to love those around me, especially the teachers I work with but I do fear some of the inevitable pain of losing friends....not b/c I want to but b/c the time I spend seeking after them might be in vain...I always have to work around their schedule...I ask that you would ask the Father for wisdom in this area especially that of knowing when to let go and when to hang on in a culture where you are always left hanging...I know I will be presented with many challenges either way and that just b/c I reach out to a new crowd doesn't mean I won't encounter some of the same disappointments. I guess I shouldn't say lose friends as much as our relationships changing from deep to shallow or distanced..I don't know which is worse, but I do hope to still have some close friends...

I also need to remember that although people may disappoint me that doesn't mean I am a disappointment or failure. The Father still loves me and just b/c they disappoint me it doesn't mean they don't care in fact probably the opposite they just don't want to hurt me...everything here is so backwards and yet still I know it is where I am supposed to be right now...

Great Aunt Mary

My older brother and I / Aunt Mary and my older brother / Gran Gran and I


June 26, 2010 my great Aunt Mary, often just referred to as Aunt Mary died... She was an amazing women. My Gran Gran (grandmother)would have never made it through this life without her. Gran Gran never got anything done. They were such a good pair. She was the tough older sister and my Gran Gran was the innocent loving one. Both were amazing story tellers and such caring people. Aunt Mary wasn't compassionate but always made things happen. Gran Gran was the dreamer and Aunt Mary was the one who made the dreams a reality. Their mother died when Aunt Mary was 13. Ironically, this 96 year old outlived her two younger siblings that she helped raise. She was ready to go home. I have fond memories of Aunt Mary and Gran Gran together and all the fun we had together. The stories about their childhood, the gift of perserverance they passed on which I know must come some from the Hogan side.

Aunt Mary was either Mary Allene or Allene Mary. She said her birth certificate didn't specify. She was such a hoot, always telling stories of places she hadn't really been but knowing enough about them for it to seem pretty accurate. She always said what she thought. Sometimes I wish I was more honest like her but other times I am so greatful that I am not because of the trouble she often got herself into, and my heart just isn't the same as hers. She had a strength I don't think I will ever have.

Aunt Mary was often with my Gran Gran growing up trying to set her straight even if Gran Gran didn't fill it was necessary. I remember when Uncle Dick(the middle child) died she even kept nudging my Gran Gran and making her sit up straight when my poor Gran Gran was no longer capable of this. They always made me laugh but they loved one another deeply. I am so thankful for those Aunt Mary's in my life.

I am so thankful for such a wonderful family, but especially for my older brother who has been my Aunt Mary throughout my life. We may have our disagreements but we make a good pair. He is my polar opposite and although I know my older sister and younger brother love me it is the older brother who pushes me to perserve. Thanks Shane!

Blog 61-PRINCE/PRINCESS AND THE BEAST

Numbers seem a good way of keeping track of things- today I came to a few realizations

1. While walking downtown soccer has a lot of commercials and I guess it is in Africa yeah I am not a huge sports fan if you can't tell but I think some people actually watch it b/c of the commercials like the super bowl...hmmm...strange

2. Movies come out again and again...there really is nothing new under the sun! Alice in Wonderland, Karate Kid, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory....how many versions of one movie will our children have and will creativity seize to exist

3. I will always forget words that I just learn in Lao maybe not know the tone or grammar structure but still someone will understand. For example, today my neighbor told me I wear pearls a lot (well, one particular necklace it was my Nana's so of course I wear it) she also told me the word for commercial already forget them both.

4.I will always make new friends but have a hard time letting go of old ones for those who know me well know that once you are my friend you're my friend for life.

5.Changes are inevitable they suck but the Father has great things in store. Lastly a poem to sum it all up

There are no such things as coincidences
Only miracles ordained from the Father above
There are times when the heart seems to stop beating
And life seems odd, eerie, beck(strange) to say the least
But under every prince(princess) is a beast and a beast under every prince(princess)

Things that happen
These miracles
Mostly are friends
Though they may wither
Tear and be mended
Loved like old shoes
That can't be reprimanded
Re-styled, molded like the potters clay
It is a glimpse of eternity
On earth today

SO why when they leave
Do our hearts ache?
Why when we ponder ventures anew
Do our hearts break?
Bonds severed
Though hopefully most not for eternity
It is the light in life that makes these things be

For khons(people) are khons(people)
No matter what race
No matter what pathway the Father has them or us take

But pain is pain
In all various forms
It is the Father who gives us strength
To think we mourn then how much more does He mourn?
For everything he can see
Oh the word grief it pains me

He knows the windows
He knows the doors
For each miracle he floods in
Is more fabulous before
Granted it is based on the truth forevermore
For truth should abound from core to core
But oh closeness in all precision varies
Look at the load He carries
Drop yours, it, at his feet
Knowing there is hope there is more

More pain, more love
More learning, more sawn(teaching)
More tears, more laughter, more joy..joy..joy...
ecetera to infinite finite score

Though distance may separate and hearts change
Hopefully in wisdom and stature they gain
For what a blessing to know so many Godly friends
Even if it short for in this world one friendship mends
A piece of heart and through pain life must start

So next time you think what a coincidence
Remember miracle instead
That the heart hasn't stopped beating only gotten more read
And when life seems odd, eerie, beck(strange) to say the least
Remember you have a choice
Will you choose to take this change and be the princess/prince or the beast?

Walking through the Daniel Fire

It has been a week since my roommate left and last weekend I was sick but had sweet friends watch over me. This week I stayed with a friend one night but have mostly stayed alone. I feel so lonely. When I was little I used to sing the song "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me! Guess I'll go eat worms..long fat slimy ones itsy bitsy fuzzy ones......." whenever I felt lonely. Lately I have wished I had that CD to blare, even though it is not true the fact of there being something more disgusting than being alone makes me happy! I am going through a lot of changes and don't handle change very well but I am learning to trust and believe more and more in the Father through these struggles. My goal is not to focus on me but others and what the Father is trying to teach me b/c ultimately it is not about ME!(despite what my pride wants to think or say).

I like it when people stay but then I have to entertain them and it takes so much energy and it is not hard if one friend stays one day and another another day on my friends but it is hard on me. I get more done when I am around other people but alone it is hard to get motivated so what do I do? If I am always entertaining others I still get nothing done. Please uplift that I will find a balance. I feel like this summer and next semester are going to have many deserts and valleys.

As I mentioned in my last post songs have really ministered to me a lot through out my life, words, books and anything paper.

Please ask that the Father helps me as "i will go through the fire if (He)wants me to, it may not be the way I would have chosen as (He) lead me through a world that's not my home, but (He) never said it would be easy (HE) only said I'd never go alone so when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself and I cant hear (Him) answer my cries for help I'll remember the suffering (His) love put you through and I will go through the valley(Because He) want(s) me to" by Ginny Owens

I will remember I am never truly alone, that He is sovereign and his love endures forever

That I will be diligent despite my desire to be lazy and get the necessary work done! (that is grading and stuff like that)

Know how/who and what to do with people and when to be alone. I don't like always being alone but I definitely need it sometimes. Your thoughts are greatly appreciated!

Most importantly that my words and deeds would glorify the Father!

Idioms and songs

This past weekend I karaoked for a friends birthday party. It was a lot of fun but I have been thinking how if I actually listen to lyrics they speak to me. I have always been good at memorizing quotes from books that I read but I don't read much anymore b/c I detach myself from this world when I read and I have to think and process a lot so I cannot enter dreamland that often or else I cannot return. I have wanted to memorize the word but honestly have not been disciplined enough. I am going through a lot of transitions and would like you to uplift them. I will have different colleagues next year and a lot of my friends are moving from here. I think the hardest part about the life I live is feeling lonely. Here are a few songs that have spoke to me....

"there can be miracles when you believe..." -I believe the Father will work out everything though I cannot see the end I know it is there

"everyone needs a helping hand take a look at your fellow man, tell me what can i do today?"- Everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle. We are never alone. We are all human.

"The Father is great, but sometimes life aint good when I pray things dont always turn out like I think they should but I do it anyway, I do it anyway." - Sometimes all we can do is pray and that has to be enough for us b/c ultimately we are not in charge.

"Deliver me from my prideful mind, it grows heavier on me all the time..... Break my heart just like Davids was with a weeping grepped widow in my house....What a sad and such a deadly cry to think that I own my own life......how can I deny my brother when I killed your only begotten son help me to love another you are the only King.- Deliver me from myself, sometimes I am my own worst enemy.

"Aint nobody aint nobody love me like Jesus aint nobody aint nobody love me like the Lord aint nobody aint nobody love me like Jesus he's my friend!"- when the whole world seems to cave in on me his hands swoop under me like the wings of an eagle and shelter me.

"I raise my hands I bow my head, I'm finding more and more truth to the words printed in red they tell me that there is more to life than I can see...I BELIEVE." -The Father is good and life is not based on how I feel but a relationship with the red lettered man.

"Even the King cries, when an angels hands are tied." - I might be sad but then again so is the King. He loves me!

"If your going through hell keep on going don't stop now if your scared don't show it you might get out before the devil even knows your there."-sometimes life seems bad but really it is nothing compared to the sufferings of the Father.

I also tend to like all kinds of songs b/c they remind me of many things but mainly that "there is nothing new under the sun " even living in Laos I recently found that they have some of the same idioms through a talk with a teacher at the language school. Can you match these to their English equivalent?

"The customer is God."

"The subject you study is men or women at University" so this one doesn't directly translate right so basically in English "They went to college to get their MR(S) degree."

"Change with current events"

hmm....or just songs to dance to..you take your pick. I chose a few that were an encouragement to me but please lift up my transitions, loneliness and friendships. I love you all! Whoever might be reading!

Things

So tonight I learned that two precious things to me had been stolen but as I recalled about a year ago when someone tried to steal my motorbike and at first I acted in anger. My father was quick to remind me that it was just a thing and I have something no one can ever take away from me. Dont worry I still have my motorbike but my soul is down.

I had had the last straw of a long weekend and it was only halfway over. I called my mother crying and the call got dropped. Thankfully by the time it dropped I wasnt so hysterical. I love my mom as I chatted with her for the 10 to 15 minutes at first she tried to make everything better. Then I broke out "Mom, Im okay Im just sad and it is ok to be sad!" She said "Im sorry you are absolutely right."

You see why do we fight feeling so much. If I am sad so is the father but we do have feelings. Recognizing them is half the battle, knowing the way to act that best glorifies the father the other.

Oddly enough, my friend L called me who recently met our master about 2-3 weeks ago but I was talking to my roommate telling her my horrifying news as she talked on Skype with her sister. I quickly called her back but she was asleep. You see she had woken up, had a dream that I was really sad and called me. I told her what had happened and that my heart was sad but I was okay the master was helping me deal with my pain. She was in that in between sleep and awake stage and didnt say much.

I later realized that the master is truly amazing and through my interaction with her although I did not really say anything I believe her decision to follow after him even more was confirmed. I am thankful that the father used my sadness to bring him glory even though I never really said anything but that I was sad and would be ok. It also lifted my heart a bit for in my weakness I saw him made strong.

As school approaches on Monday I am tempted to lock myself in my room and not come out all day tomorrow. I dont know if I can handle another disappointment, failure or whatever you want to call it. (We'll grading students papers doesnt count a project none of them took seriously but I am excited to see their progress!) It has been a long week and on top of the physical challenges I feel very emotionally challenged.

Please lift up that the father would give me strength of faith so that I remember he is near and "all good things work together for the good of those who love him."I may not know his plan but I know he has one. Please ask that I will not live in fear as the world desires but face it with the knowledge and truth that true love suffices and all good things succumbs to it. Thanks friends!

REALLY!!!

So after a long wonderful Pi Mai trip I thought I would get some rest, not the case. I have had fun with a friend and trying to figure things out for next year but wow never thought a water bottle could do so much damage. After making it through a whole week of water with not much more than a really bad cold. I went to a fellowship with a friend and after taking a sip of my water she handed it back to me thinking I would drink it. I put it in my purse and all of my stuff and hers got soaked! The worst part is our phones. They were okay for awhile and I even thought mine worked. We were talking for awhile and then realized the screen had died! Ahh! Thankfully around midnight I called my mom and she called me back this morning as an alarm....Haha..so I have a phone. You can call me but I won't know who it is and I probably cannot call you back! Yup! Craziness! Hope to get it figured out today otherwise I am phoneless, cameraless, watchless but hey at least I still have a computer. Guess communication through technology is over-rated anyways!Heehee