Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Ever just feel hopeless, like your spinning around in circles, so dizzy can't tell left from right or even what you are seeing, been there and done that, but the picture is finally starting to unblurr. Not going to lie, I might not ever fully understand his plan, but I know He knows what is best. Ever since coming to Laos I often question "Why am I here? How Long? Can I really do this? Why me? I have no talents," but then He reminds me that I am gifted in loving "The greastest commandment of these is to love him first then my neighbor as myself." but why does loving hurt so bad? Leave us broken/shattered so often feeling disconnected in some way. I think it is because we love with man's love not a heavenly love like the Father. To be honest, right now, one of my greatest fears is seeking my own will over His. For once I enjoy what I am doing in Laos, so therefore feel it must be wrong right?

No, He assures me every day that it couldn't be more right? So why all this fear? I think it is because I see so many complacent people in my life. Those who have lived here for years and it is just so normal that they don't challenge themselves anymore. I see how easy it is to not do or do certain things just because you are a foreigner in your foreign bubble and the Lao give automatic respect, but what happens when we step out of this bubble? Some of the walls of protection fall down. Sometimes I feel it is just the Son and I walking together hand in hand and me fighting to do what is right in my heart, what I know is right.

I haven't been given the ability to speak honestly from my heart even in love and now I think that is what He is instilling in me. Whether with my students or friends, to love but not sacrifice my values because my First Love isn't visibly there.

Please continue to think of me as I lay down my life and seek after him. Denying my humanly desires in order to seek Him daily. The desire for consistency in friendships, housing, and the pain of the constant reminder of how we all will fail in this world" It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all", missing out on special family moments-births, deaths....to know that my sacrifice is worth it because He sacrificed so much. He sacrificed 3o years with his son on earth and I struggle for a third year.

I don't have all the answers and if you are reading this just because you are not out there in a place like Laos doesn't mean you cannot be sacrificing in your own way. I ask that where ever you are the Father showers his blessings on you and guides you as you seek after Him!