Teacher's Day 2

A few more of my lovely teacher's day gifts!

I don't know but my students really thought I needed bags for some reason...Oh and look at the table runner! Love it! I'll never forget who that one is from! Some days I really love my job and the laughter and smiles it brings.

Teacher's Day

Yesterday was Teacher's Day but today we celebrated it. It was a crazy day full of fun festivities and gifts...here is the lovely collection I got.


Some lavender soap, a red sinh, a table runner which the student wrote their name in permanent marker so I wouldn't forget....

Ever just feel hopeless, like your spinning around in circles, so dizzy can't tell left from right or even what you are seeing, been there and done that, but the picture is finally starting to unblurr. Not going to lie, I might not ever fully understand his plan, but I know He knows what is best. Ever since coming to Laos I often question "Why am I here? How Long? Can I really do this? Why me? I have no talents," but then He reminds me that I am gifted in loving "The greastest commandment of these is to love him first then my neighbor as myself." but why does loving hurt so bad? Leave us broken/shattered so often feeling disconnected in some way. I think it is because we love with man's love not a heavenly love like the Father. To be honest, right now, one of my greatest fears is seeking my own will over His. For once I enjoy what I am doing in Laos, so therefore feel it must be wrong right?

No, He assures me every day that it couldn't be more right? So why all this fear? I think it is because I see so many complacent people in my life. Those who have lived here for years and it is just so normal that they don't challenge themselves anymore. I see how easy it is to not do or do certain things just because you are a foreigner in your foreign bubble and the Lao give automatic respect, but what happens when we step out of this bubble? Some of the walls of protection fall down. Sometimes I feel it is just the Son and I walking together hand in hand and me fighting to do what is right in my heart, what I know is right.

I haven't been given the ability to speak honestly from my heart even in love and now I think that is what He is instilling in me. Whether with my students or friends, to love but not sacrifice my values because my First Love isn't visibly there.

Please continue to think of me as I lay down my life and seek after him. Denying my humanly desires in order to seek Him daily. The desire for consistency in friendships, housing, and the pain of the constant reminder of how we all will fail in this world" It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all", missing out on special family moments-births, deaths....to know that my sacrifice is worth it because He sacrificed so much. He sacrificed 3o years with his son on earth and I struggle for a third year.

I don't have all the answers and if you are reading this just because you are not out there in a place like Laos doesn't mean you cannot be sacrificing in your own way. I ask that where ever you are the Father showers his blessings on you and guides you as you seek after Him!

Blessings!

Just another unpredictable week

So this week I had a week completely off...I thought to myself hmm...what will I do? I'll get my insurance set up for next year and my newsletter database but neither one happened...I thought..hmmm..i'll connect with friends and love on them but none of it happened(at least not to the degree I expected)...on top of that every day changed.....

Monday-doctored up my roommate...tried to talk to the parents but they were busy...ate lunch at the language school..then watched a movie.

Tuesday- a friend was going to come over and watch a movie. Hung out in the office all morning...went home took a nap. Got severely confused b/c another friend told a friend of a friend( are you still following? very Lao) that they had plans to hang out.. This was fine but when I asked my friend that morning she said she would have to talk with her sister. She didn't end up doing either b/c she was too tired. I later told her if she had wanted to hang out with the other friend it would have been fine I just didn't want her to feel like she had to lie to me. I get so mixed up with all the indirectness in culture but I still love all my friends. Some friends and there 3 kids ended up coming over and eating dinner and playing games with us anyways. Thank goodness for last minute planning...

Wednesday- Glee night-originally it was just going to be me and one other friend but word spread quick and people were upset they weren't invited and then none of them ended up coming...haah so typical. Oh and a former student called wanting to hangout Friday morning.

Thursday- hung out in office. Some people invited themselves to our house for dinner on Friday not sure if they will actually come but we will see...student called seeing if we could hang out in the afternoon instead...went to a marvelous evening study but got lost for about 30 minutes on the way there and driving home was terrified of how awful people were driving just b/c they thought no one was out...running lights...wrong side of the road for long distances when there were medians...pretty sure a few drunk drivers sped past me.....geez!

Friday- cleaned-just in case people actually come over, had a great morning with the Father(something that has actually been really wonderful this week, having plenty of time to dwell in his word and talk with Him), former student called and said how about 6pm? I told her umm..people are coming over 5:00 or 5:30. She said pick me up at 5 we'll see if she is ready then or not and whether or not she will stay the night or I have to make the 45 minute trek 4 times today! Then I was supposed to have lunch with a dear friend who is in a funk..got to the restaurant and called her(we planned this on Wednesday) she forgot....she apologized profusely and told me next time she would text me she doesn't cancel very much so I believe she was truly sorry but it still hurts a bit....

You see sometimes I wonder why my confidence shifts....is it this hard to spend a single hour with a friend in America? Maybe, but things always seem to come up here . Today I realized that I take this personally a lot when really they don't mean it that way....hundreds of years of chaos..controlling parents and random emergencies that happen all the time keep people from making commitments b/c they know they cannot keep them...so how do you have friends?

PATIENCE-Thank goodness the Father has given me a persevering spirit. I don't tend to give up on people no matter how hurt I feel. I want to seek to understand instead of remain angry. As I transition into new work this year I will do my best to love those around me, especially the teachers I work with but I do fear some of the inevitable pain of losing friends....not b/c I want to but b/c the time I spend seeking after them might be in vain...I always have to work around their schedule...I ask that you would ask the Father for wisdom in this area especially that of knowing when to let go and when to hang on in a culture where you are always left hanging...I know I will be presented with many challenges either way and that just b/c I reach out to a new crowd doesn't mean I won't encounter some of the same disappointments. I guess I shouldn't say lose friends as much as our relationships changing from deep to shallow or distanced..I don't know which is worse, but I do hope to still have some close friends...

I also need to remember that although people may disappoint me that doesn't mean I am a disappointment or failure. The Father still loves me and just b/c they disappoint me it doesn't mean they don't care in fact probably the opposite they just don't want to hurt me...everything here is so backwards and yet still I know it is where I am supposed to be right now...

Great Aunt Mary

My older brother and I / Aunt Mary and my older brother / Gran Gran and I


June 26, 2010 my great Aunt Mary, often just referred to as Aunt Mary died... She was an amazing women. My Gran Gran (grandmother)would have never made it through this life without her. Gran Gran never got anything done. They were such a good pair. She was the tough older sister and my Gran Gran was the innocent loving one. Both were amazing story tellers and such caring people. Aunt Mary wasn't compassionate but always made things happen. Gran Gran was the dreamer and Aunt Mary was the one who made the dreams a reality. Their mother died when Aunt Mary was 13. Ironically, this 96 year old outlived her two younger siblings that she helped raise. She was ready to go home. I have fond memories of Aunt Mary and Gran Gran together and all the fun we had together. The stories about their childhood, the gift of perserverance they passed on which I know must come some from the Hogan side.

Aunt Mary was either Mary Allene or Allene Mary. She said her birth certificate didn't specify. She was such a hoot, always telling stories of places she hadn't really been but knowing enough about them for it to seem pretty accurate. She always said what she thought. Sometimes I wish I was more honest like her but other times I am so greatful that I am not because of the trouble she often got herself into, and my heart just isn't the same as hers. She had a strength I don't think I will ever have.

Aunt Mary was often with my Gran Gran growing up trying to set her straight even if Gran Gran didn't fill it was necessary. I remember when Uncle Dick(the middle child) died she even kept nudging my Gran Gran and making her sit up straight when my poor Gran Gran was no longer capable of this. They always made me laugh but they loved one another deeply. I am so thankful for those Aunt Mary's in my life.

I am so thankful for such a wonderful family, but especially for my older brother who has been my Aunt Mary throughout my life. We may have our disagreements but we make a good pair. He is my polar opposite and although I know my older sister and younger brother love me it is the older brother who pushes me to perserve. Thanks Shane!

Blog 61-PRINCE/PRINCESS AND THE BEAST

Numbers seem a good way of keeping track of things- today I came to a few realizations

1. While walking downtown soccer has a lot of commercials and I guess it is in Africa yeah I am not a huge sports fan if you can't tell but I think some people actually watch it b/c of the commercials like the super bowl...hmmm...strange

2. Movies come out again and again...there really is nothing new under the sun! Alice in Wonderland, Karate Kid, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory....how many versions of one movie will our children have and will creativity seize to exist

3. I will always forget words that I just learn in Lao maybe not know the tone or grammar structure but still someone will understand. For example, today my neighbor told me I wear pearls a lot (well, one particular necklace it was my Nana's so of course I wear it) she also told me the word for commercial already forget them both.

4.I will always make new friends but have a hard time letting go of old ones for those who know me well know that once you are my friend you're my friend for life.

5.Changes are inevitable they suck but the Father has great things in store. Lastly a poem to sum it all up

There are no such things as coincidences
Only miracles ordained from the Father above
There are times when the heart seems to stop beating
And life seems odd, eerie, beck(strange) to say the least
But under every prince(princess) is a beast and a beast under every prince(princess)

Things that happen
These miracles
Mostly are friends
Though they may wither
Tear and be mended
Loved like old shoes
That can't be reprimanded
Re-styled, molded like the potters clay
It is a glimpse of eternity
On earth today

SO why when they leave
Do our hearts ache?
Why when we ponder ventures anew
Do our hearts break?
Bonds severed
Though hopefully most not for eternity
It is the light in life that makes these things be

For khons(people) are khons(people)
No matter what race
No matter what pathway the Father has them or us take

But pain is pain
In all various forms
It is the Father who gives us strength
To think we mourn then how much more does He mourn?
For everything he can see
Oh the word grief it pains me

He knows the windows
He knows the doors
For each miracle he floods in
Is more fabulous before
Granted it is based on the truth forevermore
For truth should abound from core to core
But oh closeness in all precision varies
Look at the load He carries
Drop yours, it, at his feet
Knowing there is hope there is more

More pain, more love
More learning, more sawn(teaching)
More tears, more laughter, more joy..joy..joy...
ecetera to infinite finite score

Though distance may separate and hearts change
Hopefully in wisdom and stature they gain
For what a blessing to know so many Godly friends
Even if it short for in this world one friendship mends
A piece of heart and through pain life must start

So next time you think what a coincidence
Remember miracle instead
That the heart hasn't stopped beating only gotten more read
And when life seems odd, eerie, beck(strange) to say the least
Remember you have a choice
Will you choose to take this change and be the princess/prince or the beast?

Walking through the Daniel Fire

It has been a week since my roommate left and last weekend I was sick but had sweet friends watch over me. This week I stayed with a friend one night but have mostly stayed alone. I feel so lonely. When I was little I used to sing the song "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me! Guess I'll go eat worms..long fat slimy ones itsy bitsy fuzzy ones......." whenever I felt lonely. Lately I have wished I had that CD to blare, even though it is not true the fact of there being something more disgusting than being alone makes me happy! I am going through a lot of changes and don't handle change very well but I am learning to trust and believe more and more in the Father through these struggles. My goal is not to focus on me but others and what the Father is trying to teach me b/c ultimately it is not about ME!(despite what my pride wants to think or say).

I like it when people stay but then I have to entertain them and it takes so much energy and it is not hard if one friend stays one day and another another day on my friends but it is hard on me. I get more done when I am around other people but alone it is hard to get motivated so what do I do? If I am always entertaining others I still get nothing done. Please uplift that I will find a balance. I feel like this summer and next semester are going to have many deserts and valleys.

As I mentioned in my last post songs have really ministered to me a lot through out my life, words, books and anything paper.

Please ask that the Father helps me as "i will go through the fire if (He)wants me to, it may not be the way I would have chosen as (He) lead me through a world that's not my home, but (He) never said it would be easy (HE) only said I'd never go alone so when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself and I cant hear (Him) answer my cries for help I'll remember the suffering (His) love put you through and I will go through the valley(Because He) want(s) me to" by Ginny Owens

I will remember I am never truly alone, that He is sovereign and his love endures forever

That I will be diligent despite my desire to be lazy and get the necessary work done! (that is grading and stuff like that)

Know how/who and what to do with people and when to be alone. I don't like always being alone but I definitely need it sometimes. Your thoughts are greatly appreciated!

Most importantly that my words and deeds would glorify the Father!

Idioms and songs

This past weekend I karaoked for a friends birthday party. It was a lot of fun but I have been thinking how if I actually listen to lyrics they speak to me. I have always been good at memorizing quotes from books that I read but I don't read much anymore b/c I detach myself from this world when I read and I have to think and process a lot so I cannot enter dreamland that often or else I cannot return. I have wanted to memorize the word but honestly have not been disciplined enough. I am going through a lot of transitions and would like you to uplift them. I will have different colleagues next year and a lot of my friends are moving from here. I think the hardest part about the life I live is feeling lonely. Here are a few songs that have spoke to me....

"there can be miracles when you believe..." -I believe the Father will work out everything though I cannot see the end I know it is there

"everyone needs a helping hand take a look at your fellow man, tell me what can i do today?"- Everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle. We are never alone. We are all human.

"The Father is great, but sometimes life aint good when I pray things dont always turn out like I think they should but I do it anyway, I do it anyway." - Sometimes all we can do is pray and that has to be enough for us b/c ultimately we are not in charge.

"Deliver me from my prideful mind, it grows heavier on me all the time..... Break my heart just like Davids was with a weeping grepped widow in my house....What a sad and such a deadly cry to think that I own my own life......how can I deny my brother when I killed your only begotten son help me to love another you are the only King.- Deliver me from myself, sometimes I am my own worst enemy.

"Aint nobody aint nobody love me like Jesus aint nobody aint nobody love me like the Lord aint nobody aint nobody love me like Jesus he's my friend!"- when the whole world seems to cave in on me his hands swoop under me like the wings of an eagle and shelter me.

"I raise my hands I bow my head, I'm finding more and more truth to the words printed in red they tell me that there is more to life than I can see...I BELIEVE." -The Father is good and life is not based on how I feel but a relationship with the red lettered man.

"Even the King cries, when an angels hands are tied." - I might be sad but then again so is the King. He loves me!

"If your going through hell keep on going don't stop now if your scared don't show it you might get out before the devil even knows your there."-sometimes life seems bad but really it is nothing compared to the sufferings of the Father.

I also tend to like all kinds of songs b/c they remind me of many things but mainly that "there is nothing new under the sun " even living in Laos I recently found that they have some of the same idioms through a talk with a teacher at the language school. Can you match these to their English equivalent?

"The customer is God."

"The subject you study is men or women at University" so this one doesn't directly translate right so basically in English "They went to college to get their MR(S) degree."

"Change with current events"

hmm....or just songs to dance to..you take your pick. I chose a few that were an encouragement to me but please lift up my transitions, loneliness and friendships. I love you all! Whoever might be reading!

Things

So tonight I learned that two precious things to me had been stolen but as I recalled about a year ago when someone tried to steal my motorbike and at first I acted in anger. My father was quick to remind me that it was just a thing and I have something no one can ever take away from me. Dont worry I still have my motorbike but my soul is down.

I had had the last straw of a long weekend and it was only halfway over. I called my mother crying and the call got dropped. Thankfully by the time it dropped I wasnt so hysterical. I love my mom as I chatted with her for the 10 to 15 minutes at first she tried to make everything better. Then I broke out "Mom, Im okay Im just sad and it is ok to be sad!" She said "Im sorry you are absolutely right."

You see why do we fight feeling so much. If I am sad so is the father but we do have feelings. Recognizing them is half the battle, knowing the way to act that best glorifies the father the other.

Oddly enough, my friend L called me who recently met our master about 2-3 weeks ago but I was talking to my roommate telling her my horrifying news as she talked on Skype with her sister. I quickly called her back but she was asleep. You see she had woken up, had a dream that I was really sad and called me. I told her what had happened and that my heart was sad but I was okay the master was helping me deal with my pain. She was in that in between sleep and awake stage and didnt say much.

I later realized that the master is truly amazing and through my interaction with her although I did not really say anything I believe her decision to follow after him even more was confirmed. I am thankful that the father used my sadness to bring him glory even though I never really said anything but that I was sad and would be ok. It also lifted my heart a bit for in my weakness I saw him made strong.

As school approaches on Monday I am tempted to lock myself in my room and not come out all day tomorrow. I dont know if I can handle another disappointment, failure or whatever you want to call it. (We'll grading students papers doesnt count a project none of them took seriously but I am excited to see their progress!) It has been a long week and on top of the physical challenges I feel very emotionally challenged.

Please lift up that the father would give me strength of faith so that I remember he is near and "all good things work together for the good of those who love him."I may not know his plan but I know he has one. Please ask that I will not live in fear as the world desires but face it with the knowledge and truth that true love suffices and all good things succumbs to it. Thanks friends!

REALLY!!!

So after a long wonderful Pi Mai trip I thought I would get some rest, not the case. I have had fun with a friend and trying to figure things out for next year but wow never thought a water bottle could do so much damage. After making it through a whole week of water with not much more than a really bad cold. I went to a fellowship with a friend and after taking a sip of my water she handed it back to me thinking I would drink it. I put it in my purse and all of my stuff and hers got soaked! The worst part is our phones. They were okay for awhile and I even thought mine worked. We were talking for awhile and then realized the screen had died! Ahh! Thankfully around midnight I called my mom and she called me back this morning as an alarm....Haha..so I have a phone. You can call me but I won't know who it is and I probably cannot call you back! Yup! Craziness! Hope to get it figured out today otherwise I am phoneless, cameraless, watchless but hey at least I still have a computer. Guess communication through technology is over-rated anyways!Heehee

Saibadee Pi Mai

Wow! I had a great week up North full of many adventures with 4 wonderful women, but now I am still recovering from all the excitement. I have to get back to real life. Sam Neau is so beautiful I love this little quaint town. It reminds me of something out of a fairy tale. It is small but not too small. A lot of things are available, maybe not everything but it has the most perfect weather, not too cold or hot.

My adventures consist of some very pukey bus rides, lots of Indian food from an amazing restaurant in Sam Nuea and a new friend that is so cute! Too bad she lives so far away N (her name) was amazing! Worked in Vientiane for 5 years then moved to Sam Neau this year and is all alone. She is only 18! Wow, Lao people never seize to amaze me. They maybe laid back, but by no means are they lazy! Many waterfalls, lots of water, a cold from the water, history that brings tears to my eyes, friends who make me laugh amidst my tears, time alone when I cannot take it anymore, lots and lots of tea, great conversations, and wonderful tour guides as well as much more!

My disclaimer:although Phonesavahn was fun Sam Neau captured my heart. Probably partially b/c it is not as big as Vientiane and the people were so friendly, sometimes I miss smaller towns but I do love my friends in the city and am excited to see them again!

I spent a lot of money but every cent was worth it. Hopefully I can ease into this next week. I don't even know if my students will show up! Hahah but I must be prepared just in case. After all, finals are suppose to be this week!

Favorite Things

As much as I complain..I am trying to be more grateful..I have realized lately although life doesn't always go the way I plan I know I am blessed in more ways than I can imagine.trying to remind myself of this as often as possible...focus on + and not -.Life isn't about me anyways but the difference I make for my daddy!

I love rhyming and songs and dancing. If only all of life truly were a dance! Haha..here is a rendition to a few of my favorite things..though it might not exactly follow the beat you get the idea...

when the hot weathered wind smittens dust upon my sweaty skin and heat causes rashes..and I don't know if I am dirty or tan as it passes? these are few of my favorite things....mangoes,sticky rice and pingkai;friends who love me even though I don't why;khon lao who take me under their wings; these are a few of my favorite things; when the ravid dog chases, when the heat stings, when im feel sad...I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad!!!!!

What a difference a day makes

Today I intended to wake up at 7am and start cleaning but did not realize how tired I was thankfully it was saturday and 7am turned into 1130!

Anyways I was cleaning away at my room I mean deep cleaning which can get pretty messy when a former student called "Teacher, I am coming to your house soon ok see you soon!" I quickly responded "Wait! My house is so messy..." unable to finish my train of thought she quickly responded "that is ok teacher I will help you clean." Then hung up. Mortified I began to frantically pick up as much as possible before she arrived. I was also doing laundry and that was strung all over the living room, so embarrassing. Anyways, she arrives not just her but her friend that is a guy. She proceeds into my room and tells me "Teacher go away I will clean." I monitor her from time to time as I fold clothes and put new ones out that were in the wash. At this point thankfully it wasn't too bad.

I move on to clean the bathroom and she cleans the kitchen. I guess it was nice having an extra set of hands, if only she hadn't criticized me so much "Teacher, you are an awful cleaner!" "Teacher, you should call me whenever you need to clean because you cannot do it good!" "Teacher call me before it gets so messy, ok?" I have been out of town the past 3 weekends and busy teaching. I wanted to stay at home "alone" hints the word alone but I guess the father had other plans so I decided if I cannot change things just enjoy them. I don't think I am that awful but I also felt so invaded. Just a difference in culture.

She then proceeded to invite herself for dinner by asking "Teacher, can we stay here and eat spagetti for dinner?" I said I didn't have the stuff for spagetti so we ate chicken fetticine alfredo with mushrooms. I cooked while they watched "Marley and Me" in Thai. She kept asking me if the dog was going to die then let out the wierdest cry when I finally said yes b/c it skipped over that part.

So my day with them began at 2:00pm and ended at close to 9pm with them. The girl then wanted me to explain how to use her facebook to her so I did. We talked to her boyfriend in Singapore on skype. Poor friend of hers whose name I don't know sat down all day and read through my Lao books while we cleaned, waited as his friend talked to their boyfriend, can we say "akward." Then got to go home. It was funny b/c ususally I am on the other side but today I kept working.

S said anytime she would come and help me clean after she gave me a lecture about exercising and how jogging is better for you then biking. She is like 70 pounds and never exercises does she really expect me to listen to her? Anyways I know she was happy to help but I like my privacy. I dont always want others cleaning for me. Hope I don't have to get over that. Guess it could have been worse. At least she knows I care about her, maybe too much! She told me next month when she gets a motorbike she will visit me everyday. I told her "Maybe not everyday" I mean seriously that is a little much. She told me that she was my little sister now. Which means that although she still calls me teacher she thinks of me as an older sister.

I never thought about pouring into her but my daddy is funny sometimes. It is always the people I expect the least to want to know him that are the most open. Please be asking for wisdom and discernment in my interactions. I love all my students both present and past but I have got to balance these relationships and learn how to put up some boundaries, it is just so hard when you care about so many people I dont see how He does it! Thanks father for knowing all, seeing all, and hearing all!

I sad down by the River Nang Num and cried

This weekend was amazing thanks for all your thoughts....I rediscovered some loves I forgot I had...that of reading, being outside and swimming. It had been so long since I had done any of these things..

I finished two books...

1. I sat down by the river Piedra and wept by Paulo Ceola- It was amazing. It talked about how although Abba came to earth as man our King actually has a feminine side too. How valued we all are in his eyes. It addressed many issues such as suffering, love, loneliness, longing and unity. I did not agree with everything but it got me thinking of how easily I forget all that has been given to me. May he continue to use me in my strength and weakness to bless those around me.

As I finished this book I wept. Yes, that's right. It was a needed release...it was tears of many emotions I could hardly describe..knowing I am here for the long run...missing my family...longing for a partner but yet not knowing if I am ready for that..confusion and happiness knowing that I am taken care of and only he knows the ending of my story.

2. THe Ester Effect- It tells you 7 secrets to being a modern day Ester. I thought about all of those who have been Ester's in my life both in Laos and America and how Abba has allowed me to be Ester's in many peoples lives..again may he continue to use me in weakness and/or strength

Off to the pool to read some more and relax...finished my grades...ready for the week!

Water

Water lately seems to be the theme of my life...I love Bethany Dillions song "Deliver Me" I feel like it has encompassed a lot I have learned. I put a video together...admitably not that great but I think it gives you a feel of what I am going through now. Tonight I cooked a meal for one b/c my roommate is out of town till next week..it seems delicious but as the water boiled on the noodles I was reminded of James 1:6 "but he who doubts is like a wave of the sea blown and tossed in the wind."

I do not doubt the father but strive to follow his commands my understanding of his ways confuses me and I struggle when things are uncertain. Lately, I think I know it all then he throws a curve ball. I wrote my newsletter twice once two weeks ago and decided it was too down and vunerable then rewrote it much clearer. I thought about posting the first one or part of it on here and then for the above reasons decided not to.

This weekend is women's day so I have an extra day off I couldn't finish all I had to get done b/c of the overwhelming thoughts that lingered in my mind. Please ask the father that as I venture to a city with a friend for the weekend that I could put my brain on a shelf and be at rest for I know he cares for me.My brain and heart are too full but his is not. Monday I will have a lot to finish so please uplift that I will have the energy and motivation to or at least the strength. Thanks friends!

Lay em down

Today I had a meeting and the song by Need to Breathe "Lay 'Em Down" kept coming to my head. I am so glad to finally be connected to the world again but you know in some ways it makes me think...what has our society come to if we don't have computers we cannot communicate...so many false realities...who even knows who reads what anymore...

B/c of this I have set a time table of 1 1/2 hours a day on the internet..it started off as 1 but I always went over so I thought I would give myself some grace...I want to keep up with people but also really live and help out others... It is funny that due to the lack of internet I had I feel that I have been able to pour into more people..I think that this will help bring balance to life of course certain things like SKYPE don't count that means telephone...I would love to catch up with anyone who so desires...

Anyways, back to main thought....Lay "Em Down..it was a comforting picture to see in my mind all my treasures floating down the river into his arms. I also thought of mosaics how something so beautiful can be made from something so ugly and broken...that is how our lives are...the mosiacs not finished..I have to continue reminding myself of this...

Also, yes I do often write when I am down...attempting to process things...so no I am not always a downer or upper(if that is a word)? I am human and just trying to figure out his greater plan like everyone else.....

Whirlwind

Ever fill like your head is spinning, like you're the boat caught in the whirlwind of the ocean waiting for the waves to either succumb you or die down. Well, that is probably the best way to describe my past couple of weeks.

I got home from Thailand, hung out with the parents and then back to work. Except I had another class and a teacher had asked me earlier to teach for her. Another 18 hour week as well as having an awful cold. Facebook deleted my wall and I felt so alone like no one cared but no one really knew. I'm prone to disaster hah...guess part of that comes with human nature.

I feel like I have learned so much from the Father in the past few weeks that today I took sometime to process it. I think I am still way off from grasping most of it but I know He has a plan and that it is all in His hands. Just resting with Him was relaxing, that and cleaning a little, of course I didn't finish but that is ok. Life is a process right? A process we are constantly processing? haha yes that is how it seems to work. There is always so much that I don't get done each week but I think that is part of His plan. If I could do everything I wouldn't need Him right? Besides it is not of me anyways as much as I want it to be. It is Him!

Blessed

Wow, I am in awe that the Father allowed my parents to visit even though it was only for 4 days. My time in Thailand was also blessed a lot more than I expected. I am teaching 18 hours this week but created the lesson plans already. It was really neat to allow my father to be able to see my work and get to be a part of it.

Today I have been down a little as to be expected. I foolishly forget all the sacrifices my parents make for me and how blessed I truly am. My theme for the next two months is blessed. I am trying to focus on the positive instead of the negative.

I might not have a camera but my dad took a lot of pictures and so I have several.

Hopefully my students will bring pictures on thursday for their notecards.

I have a bad cough but my Lao friend went with me to the "clinic" and I got some medicine today. It has helped a little but maybe I am just being ambitious.

I stayed at the Lao school for awhile today b/c I did not want to be alone and they were all really sweet for me as I wrote my lesson plans. Thanks guys!

Lastly, I like quotes one of my favorites is by Emily Dickinson "If I can stop one heart from breaking, or ease ones pain or help a fainting robin unto his nest again I shall not live in vain."

I like to write so here is a take off of that poem as it relates to my life in Laos.

"If I can help one person

to befriend the father

or loosen their chains

of sins past

I know my impact for him will last

but I alone cannot intercede

For it is his strength that carries me

And I am thankful for the strength from him in those around me

The hands, arms, and legs

The body

I ask the father to do his work in me

May I be fruitful

In order to bless thee

For a life gained

Far outweighs the cost

O father

Help me to be lost

Lost in thee

so that I may bring you all the glory

All the glory

If I can show one person his love

And bring a bit of heaven inside ye

I shall not live in vain

I shall not live in vain."

Bao Mai

Pao mai is the Lao word for goals. Mai is new and Pao I'm not sure what it is but Bompao is balloon so something to do with the idea of expanding maybe. Pao is a nickname for people with chubby cheeks. Maybe to hold something new? Anyways, I don't usually make new years goals but this year I decided to make one. One day in our Sunday group we were talking about being bold but gracious. I want to learn to be more honest with those around me and expect the same in return. Not sure how to go about it but I've already seen some progress. I care way too much what others think and not enough what the Father does. Who do I really live for some days?

On a different note a funny story- so I went to the eye doctor b/c I can see fine but when I read I have to hold the book really close. I just wanted some reading glasses. Well they gave me this test and all I ever saw was a blurry picture I think it tested my pupils or something. Then they told me basically your eyes get tired. Just close them for 5 minutes and when you open them you can see again. Well, 5 minutes on 5 minutes off is not going to work for me. I'll have to find another eye doctor in Vientiane...hahah

Hello New Year

Wow! What a year it has been! I couldn't remember my password and it was connected to another e-mail so 3 months later I can finally post again. I had a wonderful New Years with my friend Patty and her family and am so glad to be teaching again! I feel like I have purpose again and I love seeing all my former students faces around! Christmas was great too. This year has been a year full of adjustments but a good year so far. I have some wonderful friends which helps a lot. The Father is good.

I finally have Internet and am so thankful for two teammates who have taken me in. I eat dinner with them once a week and it is so much fun. I am also meeting a lot more families and realizing how BIG the foreigner community is. I am learning more and more that no one is perfect and that we all struggle in someway to control our lives instead of handing it over to the one who gave it to us. My goal for this year is to be more FOCUSED. It is so general but more specifically to focus on pouring time into my teaching and a study with two girls. I don't want to be super busy and am sad that I probably will not be taking language next semester. i really love the teachers and staff there and hope to take more in the future. If I am only teaching 4 hours until the end of march I might take it for one month 3 times a week but we will just see:)

Hopefully, I will be able to update you on more of my adventures now that I have internet!

Thanks friends!