Loneliness

We all have it, but why? Is it worse to be alone or to be in a group of people and feel alone? What causes it?

Loneliness is caused by many things but at one point or another it is a struggle for most people I believe. Things like friendships take time, circumstances can be confusing, or feelings unknown/ uncertain.

I believe God gives it to us as a gift like so many other trying things he test us and calls us to embrace him. Where do we go at the first thought of this. In public I retreat to the safety of mind, which isn't really that safe after all as it wanders, but in private I retreat to his words. He loves me, he is with me always, he accepts me as I am and deems me as worthy. These are the truths. Not what my mind wants to tell me like no one cares about you, you are alone (really, I'm sure 90% of the time there is at least one person who feels as ackward as I do!) you are not worthy.

Last year I began to memorize scripture and this helps me to combat the lies the world tells me and my sinful nature conjures. No this life is not easy and sometimes it is lonely but I've learned we have a faithful and loyal God and I want to carry those characteristics. I'll leave you with one of my favorite poems by Ella Wheeler Wilcox entitled "Solitude"

Laugh and the world laughs with you

Weep and you weep alone

For this sad old earth must borrow its mirth

 but has troubles enough of its own

Sing and the hills will answer

Sigh it is lost in the air

The echoes sound to a joyful sound

But shrink from voicing care

Feast and your halls are crowded

Fast and the world goes by

Succeed and give 

And it helps you live

But no man can help you die

In the halls of pleasure

There is room for a long and lofty train

But one by one we must all file

Through the narrow aisles of pain

Covers or Blankets- Will you chose to indulge or lose your thanks?

This morning on my way to school I was listening to the radio. I have been overwhelmed by the workload I have to do, the lack of sleep I have, the newness of so many things around me, and the yearning for the familiar. Longing for familiar friends, faces, smells, etc.. wondering if I'll ever quit questioning or second guessing myself and things on this side of the world, but knowing I probably did it on the other side of the world too. It just looked different. It's been over a year and still I can't help but miss my old friends, their companionship, their encouragement but most of all their wanting to be with me.

We live in such a busy busy world. Not that Laos isn't busy but they make time. They still build walls just different kinds and their individualism isn't so strong so no matter the pain everyone is included till it's not painful anymore. For someone who thrives on quality time as a means of feeling loved being American is no easy task! Granted I still have some amazing friends and this is not to down on those around me because you cannot be held accountable for what you do not know or have never experienced I'm just saying it's hard so here me out. I'll get to my point...Hang in there :) By no means is this a pity party it is just meant  to encourage those other discouraged and drained stuck in the humdrum of holiday despair.

Anyways, back to my story...The radio..."Join us today on Facebook by clicking like. We are trying to get 10 million likes before Thanksgiving. If you like us you just might win..." I don't even remember what you would win but the idea was that you were thankful for this radio station and to remember what you were thankful for. Not making fun of the radio station but I laughed to myself and thought "What if I said "I'm thankful I don't have more stuff?" How would they react to that?" It got me thinking. I spend so much time alone in my own thoughts, surrounded by interwoven groups of people so closely knit. You know those figure 8 shaped toys were the ball goes back and forth and back and forth but never really lands anywhere well that's me. I'm the ball. Are you too? It's crazy because it's a dual comparison, in many ways today.  So now we're almost full circle. Back to the title. 

All this got me thinking "Okay, they wouldn't accept that answer, but what would they accept?" Ahh, I got it! I'm thankful for covers! What? Yeah I said it! Covers! My abstract mind kept twirling... My room has always been a safe haven to me and I've been lucky enough to either share it with someone who made me feel safe or have it to myself a luxury not all have! I'm thankful for my covers literally and physically. The periwinkle purple that I crawl under for my 30 minute naps or cry under after a long day. The covers of good friends who may not be able to relate or may but can't help me because  It's not their role.They don't operate in these circles and friendship takes time! The  covers of friends who watch out for me when family can't. The covers of comfort and many other luxuries that don't cost me a dime. I'm thankful for family that provides food and even things that do cost but really how many masters do I try to serve?

Then I got to thinking- blankets. Hmm...what do I let blanket me? Take that joy away? Fear? Insecurity? Do I let my covers turn into just a blanket and become a raft on the sea of overwhelming papers, feelings, etc or do I cover myself with the grace and mercy which I so readily want to give in my mess of a room that I feel sometimes I'm sinking in? Am I so overwhelmed that anger consumes me and I'm no good to anyone? Am I taking care of myself or just making it through the day. My professor underlines and comments on these journals we turn in and once I wrote " I got through" for a person who loves words I definitely wasn't thinking. Another time I wrote"I'm going to try to get all this done by...." she crossed out try so it read I'm going to get all this done by... Sometimes an attitude check is so hard, especially when your that child who no one wants to partner with or your the last one to get picked every time at recess. Rejection stinks, trust me I know. You can try to force your way in and feel just as lonely if not more than if you had just gone somewhere/done something by yourself, but don't give up! There is no way you are alone!

The Sovereign King's robe longs to cover you if you'll just let him. Accept where you are. His blood was/is enough for anything you have/will go through. One of my best friends who is also going through a tough time constantly reminds me to take it one day at a time or moment if that is all you can handle. I haven't blogged in awhile b/c I haven't had time to think but I thought this thought was a must share. It's not about how much you know or even who you know but the lives you touch and the bits of heaven you put into others. Whether through laughter or tears, He meets you there and He is the only thing that never fails!

So this Thanksgiving if all you can be thankful for is the fact that you had the strength to get out of bed and made it to work, or were able to hold your tongue. Well, that's great. He understands. Or that you didn't cringe when you had to do this or that, you didn't laugh at so and so, or did laugh at their lame jokes, etc.. you get the picture. That's okay! Remember those covers and don't let the blankets overwhelm you. It's all just a matter of perception and the lens you put on. I like to think that the Lord's eyes are like a Kaleidoscope he sees many angles all broken and mixed that make a beautiful picture and we only see one, so hang in there and give Thanks because its one of the few things that even with nothing you can still do!And you'll be surprised at how much easier it is to overcome those blankets and see the covers beneath which will help both you and those around you! Trust me I know from experience. It's okay not to be okay and even that you can be thankful for. You might hate me right now and that's okay too, at least you can feel..LOL! Yeah I know I'm impossible but really what are you thankful for?

In the midst of fire God eventually always provides rain

Two weeks ago I began a new chapter of my life. I have set off for my Master's in teaching. It is always hard to do new things that cause one to be challenged. This past year has been a really hard year of transition and loneliness at times. I have sometimes felt like such an outsider but the Lord continues to teach me through so many things and use me in so many ways. He continues to answer prayers and quiet my fears as I turn to him.

Some days I feel inadequate. How can I do this? What have I gotten myself into? Will it be just as lonely in school as last year? How will I start over making friends? Questions boggle my mind but today I must reminded myself the Lord provides....

First-Friends don't happen overnight and in an intense class I was afraid that no one would talk to me and at first really no one did, but then one kind soul, and remember that's all it takes is one talked.  I didn't have the opportunity to sit next to her for a few days and drifted like the vagabond that I am constantly reminded this earth is not my home, trying to remind myself that everyone was stressed about school work and just trying to get everything done, but even a question or a silly remark would have been nice. Since then we have had 3 simple conversations, one completely through text but I'll take what I can get.

Secondly-This same person is a believer and I asked her if she would be interested in having a bible study at the school we will be at next year to which she replied someone else had asked so I emailed her. We still haven't talked but there is hope of it happening. I don't want to micromanage and I want people to feel involved so we will see what happens.

Thirdly- I am low on money and really need to make a budget. I didn't get any of the scholarships I applied for but still feel called to get my Masters. I won a $50 Wal-Mart gift card in the mail today! Oh how he provides and friends keep offering to pay for my meals, super humbling. I am so blessed to have made some really good friends during a difficult transition.

Fourth- As I struggle to catch up to all the growing technology in society and advances in education necessary to teach on top of trying to fit in may the Lord provide me with a clear mind that easily understands complex things so I can spend more time focusing on Him. I have been trying to be diligent about memorizing scripture lately which hopefully will pay off in the future.

If you think about it be praying for 1. friendships in my MAT program 2. Bible study details 3. Finances 4. Clarity of thought for school classes, rest, diligence with time and Him!

Just want to thank those who still take the time out to read this! It means a lot!

Laos

I wrote this awhile back  I think around Spring Break in March and did actually end up taking two whole days  this past fall where I spent in prayer but didn't really share it  for fear of rejection, looking back I wonder if I missed out on blessing others but you cannot live in the past. However, looking over it I feel it goes well with what I am about to post and thought why not. It is actually an answer to some of how he provided. After not really having friends in classes in the Spring or really the first week of summer school, wanting to encourage others spiritually but not knowing what that looked like next year and a few others are still in the work but He is so good and I will rejoice in Him! Phil 4:4-12

I miss Laos. I have my fits that come and go but it is still a place dear to my heart. Even when things were rough and tears turned to delirious laughter. I miss that.

The cow who stood in the middle of the unpaved rocky road and the times no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get around him b/c he would move to block my way. The neighbors all staring as I fearfully would try over and over till eventually one would come up to me and tap my shoulder and say in Lao "What do you want from the store?" I'd give them my money and almost always it was "10 eggs" till out of habit when they saw me coming the neighborhood boy would take my money and return 15 minutes later with my eggs, smiling bashfully and sometimes we'd even cook a few and eat them together.

The neighborhood children screaming at all hours of the day "Sao Kat. Sao Kat. Yak lin Yak lin!" Or Miss Kat, Miss Kat we want to play, we want to play and promptly replying very often "It's not Saturday come back Saturday at 3pm but sometimes relentlessly giving in. Or the one neighbor who always sat so quietly while I worked and pretended to read every children's book I owned though I know she probably didn't understand much of it. She just didn't want to be alone, or this same 11 year old driving me to get sticky rice at 10pm b/c every place was closed. Yeah, Lao people are pretty talented. I know I am at least 3X her weight.

I also miss having roommates to share the craziness with, being confused, thinking we've come to an understanding culturally only to realize we are completely wrong! Roommates who want to be with me, hang out with me, love the Lord fervently, and point me closer to Him. Watching movies and fighting over who is going to hold the hot computer b/c if it is in your lap that means you cannot fall asleep!

Friends who call me every day just because they haven't seen me and want to hear my voice, even if it is just for 5 minutes while we listen to "Hak Gan Leo" a Lao pop song sung by expats and laugh together because our brains are fried.

The grass always seems greener on the other side. I have been blessed with some wonderful friends both new and old here, but it's strange to think that in such a spiritually dark place (Laos) in some ways I felt more free than I do here.  This earth is not my home and I may wander it the rest of my life but I know I am here for awhile. I do hope to return but I must be content with my present circumstances.

Right now I still have time to reach out to others, love on them, and share my time, but next year I won't have as much time and this worries me. I don't want to lose myself in myself so much that I forget what is really important to love the Lord no matter the cost and lead others to the cross! He has me here for a reason, well actually several, but that is a topic for another time. I want to be seen as righteous and glorify Him, so the next few days I am tuning out parts of the world-TV, phone,internet, maybe music and car and doing what I learned so well in Laos how to do to not only be a human but to be the being.

I will be praying, writing, dancing, cleaning, crafting and who knows what else I'll come up with. If you want to feel free to stop by anytime but I won't be offended if you don't. If you want prayer or just to be with me or a quiet place free of distractions (as our house has many rooms) you are more than welcome to join. My  hope is to come out of it renewed and caring more about how He can use me than how I can serve myself.

I give you my all

My hopes

My heart

My tears

And the ducts that have held them all these years

Where do I turn

For you are there

You quiet my fears

Handle my cares

But I am crazed for you

Oh the things I'll do

Because of what you have done

For me my King

My heart will sing

The stupid limits of man you defied

So defy mine

Make my heart new

Use me your daughter

However

However

You chose

However

You chose

Clinging to the Lord

I've been learning about the Lord's Sovereignity and love for me. How to cling to Him. Here is another one of my silly poems but it is the best way to describe how I want to be closer to Him than anything else on this earth and how He's bringing me there on this journey we call life, full of hardship and strife but nothing  is too big for our big God.

Humbled
I cry
But why
My God how low must I go
To the depths of the sea
You meet me
With You I plea
A world so tattered
So torn
How much more do You mourn
Oh my King
May it be You whom I please
Fallen, dejected, torn
May it be Your flesh I have worn
Not my own
Oh Sovereign King on the throne
May it be Your flesh I have worn
Not my own
Wearing those tears
Healing my dry bones
Making them soft
Warming the cold
Wall of blood
Not my own
Not my own
May it be Your flesh
The Spirit within
May I live for You
For You
For Him

May it be moist 

Not dry

Oh Lord may I hear Your sound
Even when I question the why

Wearing your skin

Turning it in 

But Oh Lord I could never 

Jesus, never be Him

May I worship You and not me  

Example may  I  be
But allow me to wear your flesh
Turn the Spirit free
Flesh no man can carry
May I be in tune
With the Spirit
Set free
Only flesh like Yours
Could make man's hearst pure
May it be Your flesh and not my own
Oh King
Oh King
Enthroned
Forever
Yours
Alone

Depression is Real

I've been reading an old book titled If God is in Control Why is my Life Such a Mess? by Michael Youssef. The Lord has really put it on my heart lately that no one talks about it? Why? Is it because when we are so down we often lose perspective or that we don't often realize how depressed we were till we start coming out of it. Rarely, do people confront one another and talk about it. Again, why? Well, we all just want to be happy. That's the goal in life, right? Wrong!

 Here are some statistics

"-More than 5 percent of Americans-some 15 million people-suffer clinical depression at any given moment.
-Another 5 percent experience mild symptoms of being "down in the dumps."
-At least one person in six experiences a serious, or "major,"depressive episode at some point in life.
-Each year, tens of thousands of depressed people attempt suicide. About sixteen thousand succeed. Suicide is now the leading cause of death among teens and adults."

Why is it so important to recognize it? We all have it and we have a choice, do we use it to draw ourselves closer to the Lord and glorify Him or do we gloss over it and allow the devil to be victorious in its lies? Emotional depression  begins with self-protection"I'm the only one I can trust", leads to self-pity"no one else can possibly be hurting like me!", and lastly self-punishment"I must have done something wrong to deserve this." These are lies!

The truth is
1."As iron sharpens iron let us sharpen one another"(Prov. 27:17) "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." So we can say with confidence , "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid what can man do to me?" Remember your leaders who spoke the word of God to you . Consider the outcome of their life and imitate their faith. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. "(Heb 13:5-8)
Life disappoints but the Lord doesn't. We need one another. He gives us each other to be molded more like Him. Don't isolate yourself when you are in pain. While it is good to be alone with the Lord make sure you are really being alone with the Lord and not just seeking self-protection.


2. "Resist him(devil) stand firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers through out the world are undergoing the same kinds of suffering. (1 Peter 5:9) "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."(Romans 3:23).
We are all hurting people because of sin, but the Lord redeems!


3. "The Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are those who wait for Him."(Isaiah 30: 18) "For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son that whomever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16) "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." (Ecc. 3 :11) "The wise man has eyes in his head, while I came to realize that the same fate overtakes them both." (Ecc. 2:14)
The Lord has already taken the punishment we deserve. He asks us to wait in troubled times and trust His Will over our own for He desires to be glorified.


Earlier I asked what is the ultimate goal in life. I believe it is to have a relationship with the one and only Lord and glorify Him no matter the pain. While not all of this is from the book it is based on things from it. Two more things

1. Depression sometimes comes with a cause and sometimes it has an unexpected reason. It just appears. This is labeled "causeless depression". It goes onto say it "can be fruitful for those who minister, Spurgeon discovered. "You cannot help others who are depressed unless you have been down in the depths yourself." Spurgeon was a pastor who after a fire and seeing people die while he was preaching struggled to ever get on the pulpit again. This was not causeless depression but he suffered throughout his life many forms of depression and "causeless depression" was one of them. These resulted from health problems, exhaustion and some other unknown causes. He went on to be labeled as "Prince of preachers" for all the works he wrote. Yet, depression was real in his life.

2. Perhaps. my favorite "Ministry takes the life out of you."If you want to do great things for God without reaching the depths of depression and discouragement, then you must not allow yourself to become physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted." Did you know that Jeremiah, Elijah and Moses all begged for the Lord to take their lives? They saw no reason to live anymore! After great victories in the Lord Satan always tries to attack. They were exhausted and fell into heavy sleeps. They lost perspective but the Lord brought them back. The world tells us it is about what we do but the Lord tells us it is about Him and being made perfect in Him. You cannot take care of another till you have taken care of yourself."But if, like Elijah, you do get to that point of incapacitating exhaustion, here is the best part of the story:  God will restore you in compassion and tenderness."


Where do you stand today? What are you struggling with? You are not alone and are loved. It may take time to recover but the best part is the Lord has all the time in the world in his hands. So come to Him all you who are weary and heavy laden and He will give you rest!(Matt 11:28)

Mother's Day Sermon

          This morning our pastor spoke on Amos, one of the many books I was privileged to study in depth while in Laos. The point of the sermon was that we are all corrupt and mess up but the Lord does not give up on us! He provides hope and restoration if only we come to him asking for it. Well, the message that I got was a bit different. I couldn't help but think of all those I have known who have been physically beaten, bruised or abandoned. I say this in the physical sense although I know many people suffer things like this emotionally there is just something about not being able to protect yourself outwardly and the harm it does. It reminded me that even for these there is hope. Whether it is a student I have taught, one of their family members, friends or others close to me who have suffered this. I began to pray as we sang that they would find hope and restoration in the Lord. You know the Lord tells us to lead them to the cross for a reason. Thinking of one person in my past in particular I wrote this. My hope is that it encourages those struggling and searching for  HOPE those who are truly POOR, BATTERED and BRUISED! I may not know how to help you but there are people who are out there who do and the Lord loves you!You are worthy in his eyes!

The world coated in pain

The stench of blood 

Swimming in vomit

Creating their own mud

Yet there I stood 

Here I stand

How can I pull them out

They're sinking

They cannot be happy with their sin

What hope did I offer

Oh how I tried

But to understand only You can suffice

The pain from their face

I cannot erase

But You can

Father it is in your hands

I may not understand your plans 

But they are great

Thank You for trying

Encouraging my help

For a willing spirit

Wrap them in your arms

Touch the untouchable 

As only You can do

Cleanser, Healer, Counselor, Savior

Be that to them too

Oh how You love

Love them and me

Please, Please

I beg and plead

Show them 

Show them 

You 

In the world's eyes 

These are the least of these

Help them to overcome the world

See You and your healing sword

For You see all pain 

Suffered to death for our gain

If anyone can penetrate their heart

It is You

So I pray they are open to start

Healing and You

So mighty Savior

Thank You 

Thank You

May they be receptive and open to your touch

For love is not love till mingled with the greatest

And much of much

YOU!

Jesus, Father, Spirit

May restoration win

Because turning isn't easy

From the world they must fend

But You Oh You

Know all 

See all

May someday they'll be able to say 

That they followed your beckon call

May I have the strength to do what I can

Then leave it oh Lord

Leave it 

In your hands

Rough Days

The past two weeks have seemed like one thing after another literally happens everyday that confuses, bewilders or frustrates me but I am so thankful that the Lord always wins. This is a poem I wrote to Satan the other day. He maybe able to temporarily keep me down but in the end the Lord always wins. The title is The Lord Wins

The Lord Wins

My heart drops, drops, drops

Waiting for this pain

Hope it stops, stops, stops

But devil you prowl

Making my heart howl

But you won't win

My Saviors winds spin

Protecting me

You, wanting me to doubt

This pain how can it be?

But from the cross His blood did spout

And it covers me

So stab me

You are really stabbing Him

Try to drag me

The gravel digging in

Dust in my eyes

The Jobs' you despise

The world within

My prayers you cannot stop

His will you cannot block

The wall caves

His blood saves

My pain doesn't equate to what He gave

You think trials hinder

But really they end in His splendor

His Word reminds me

He wins

He wins!

Prayers and Shares

I am always hesitant to post things that I have written because I am not perfect and anything good doesn't come from me but Him in me. A friend awhile ago encouraged me to share some of my writings. I am not sharing those particular ones but I really liked these and hope that they encourage others. A book I am doing in a study encouraged us to write prayers for these times and these are what I wrote. There is something to memorizing and rituals, basing things on the word that really encourages me. I am working on memorizing scriptures and other things. This to a degree is also to help me keep myself accountable. I hope you enjoy and that they are of help to you too!

Waking up in the morning- Lord, give me strength to make it through the today, the tools to do things your way, heavenly wisdom and knowledge too, make me of use to glorify and honor you. Amen.

Before starting work- Lord, give me heavenly knowledge and wisdom too. May my actions exploit your love. May I always think of you, putting you before and foremost in my decision to so that I may better honor you. Amen.

When eating lunch- Lord, may I be reminded of how you are all things, lived and died for me. Bless my conversations, may they be honoring to you. Nourish my body with this food, make me humble too. Thank you for giving me worth and dieing that I might live, love and be more like thee.Amen.

When first laying in bed at night- Lord, guide my thoughts be with me in my dreams. May I pray for everything under the sun, till you think I'm done, then doze off in peace and rest in you.

Lastly, this is a prayer that I have written based off of 1 Peter 5:6-11. Yes I've tweaked it a little so you might want to look to the bible for the actual version, just personalized it, not adding or taking away b/c that is not my job! I have continuously been praying this and making it longer and longer but recently I have been convicted about praying this for others. I hope these are helpful to you or at least make you want to write your own.

For friends and self in times of waiting-"Lord, Humble me, therefore, under your mighty hand waiting till time is due so that I may be exalted, raised lifted up by you. I cast all my anxieties, worries, troubles ,fears and anything that hinders me from glorifying You on You Lord , because You care for me. May I be level headed and watchful. Because the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking to devour me. Give me strength to resist him, be firm in my faith, knowing that I cannot level suffering and so many other Christians are suffering the same emotions of pain in similar and different circumstances. And after we have suffered a little while, you,the God of all grace, who has called us, the least of these, to You be the authority to rule our lives so that we may glorify you forever and ever. Amen."

Wow! I find this rather fitting to be my 100th post. Those who follow this know that I am a lover of words, poetry, music, books and whatever form they may take they all minister to my heart and soul. It's been a rough nine months home but I am so thankful for all the Lord is teaching me and one of those things is and always will be who I am in Him. This adaptation of Jessica Andrews song doesn't do Him justice and is a bit cheesy, but hey I like it! It's only part of the song but you could fit in the whole thing. Just wanted to give you the jist of it. Hope it brings a smile to your face as you follow along!

I am God's chosen daughter

Spitting image of my heavenly Father

And when the day is done

My Saviours still my biggest fan

Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy

But I've got a Father in heaven who loves me

And in His glory is where I stand

It's all a part of me

And that's who I am

I am a saint and I'm a sinner

I'm a loser and a winner

I'm redeemed and forgiven

Loving the Lord and others God willing

I am God's chosen daughter

Spitting image of my heavenly Father

And when the day is done

My Saviours still my biggest fan

Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy

But I've got a Father in heaven who loves me

And in His glory is where I stand

It's all a part of me

And that's who I am

Finding Joy

The Lord has been reminding me to find joy amongst pain, just as he did so can I b/c He will never give me more than I can handle.

Laugh and the world laughs with you

Weep and you weep alone

For this sad old earth must borrow it's mirth

But it has troubles enough of its own

Sing and the hills will answer

Sigh it is lost in the air

The echos sound to a joyful sound

But shrink from voicing care

Feast and your halls are crowded

Fast and the world goes by

Succeed and give and it helps you live

But no man can help you die

In the halls of pleasure

There is room for a long and lofty train

But one by one we must all file

Through the narrow aisles of pain

~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

At some point in high school I memorized this poem and have never forgotten it. It is a reminder to me of what the world tells us versus the truth. Yes, suffering is hard. Yes, struggling is hard. Yes, it may be a narrow aisle but we are never alone if we have Christ. We have hope. The other day we were talking about the church as the body, community and/or family. Are we really all of these or any of these to each other?I hope so but in a busy world how often do we take the time to show we care? Think about it, smile when you don't feel like it. You never know who might be weeping inside and might just laugh out in thankfulness for the small pleasures of joy!

My prayer

The Lord has been so good to me and brought me through so much, even when I cannot see past the pain He always brings me through. Prayer has gotten me through so many things in life and I am so thankful that He gives us so many different ways to worship him and for prayer (Him giving himself both literally and physically as a friend when it seems there is no one there.)This is my prayer for the day I hope it encourages you feel free to pray it for yourself too but you don't have to.

Master grant me the ability to do whatever it is you call me to

Humble me under your mighty hand

Waiting till time is due

Bless me with heavenly knowledge and wisdom too

May my eyes not look to the world but you

Casting my cares

Entrusting then to your mighty hand

May you filter them too

Strength to love others

And see them as you do

Strength to not get bogged down by the world

But to be so caught up in you

Author, Perfecter, Teacher, Creator too

Father you are wondrous beyond imaginable

Only thing tried and true

Bless me with the ability to lead a life that glorifies and honors you

Through humility and pain

Darkness and rain

May I love the world but not be of it to

Like you

Make me a shining example

Of your love

Through and through

For my life is not mine to own

But yours alone

Thanks cannot describe the things you've brought me through

You are my shepherd

I am your lamb

To you I yield my paw, my hand

I realize you're not through

Lead me in the path of your glory

So that my life may honor Thee

A small tribute to the cross

I cling

Eyes no longer blinded

No longer lame

No need to hide in a tree

For you my Savior

Every day dine with me

Cleanse me with your blood

Make me clean

May my life be full of days

Worthy of Thee

Grant me todays day a day worthy of Thee

Worthy of Thee

Help me instill a bit of heaven in everything

In everything

Amen.

Synagogue Years

" 'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this lifeIs the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise"~Laura Story

Wow! So yesterday I hit a low point. The Father humbled me under his mighty hand and I know in due time I will be lifted up. But this is not about me but Christ in me. Learning to let go of my will to pursue his. Paul cried many tears on the journey but God was faithful to him and he to Christ. I don't believe in running myself dry and although I learned a lot at BSF last night I truly believe that sometimes the best way we can serve is by giving our time to God. I know right now my energy and strength are low but He will never give me more than I can handle.

My mom told me "People in the church don't know how to rest, they are always substituting activity for intimacy with the Lord." While I do believe we must be active Christians like Paul I also believe that some of his actions were more about time than the activity itself. He allowed others to rest in Christ peace. I do believe that he rested as he prayed in the synagogues, but how much is talked about that in our culture? The 2 years, the few days? No, it's not but it is equally important.

Right now my way of serving God and others is through having time. We do not always have the luxury of this and this might not even be possible in your life but it never hurts to pray you'll get there. One thing that stood out that I miss so much about Laos is the face to face conversations with friends no matter the time or day, being together and living life, grading papers in a room together or reading a book as people sit around me and work on various activities.

Yes, right now, every day (well, let's be realistic almost every day)I wake up and what gets me through the day full of confusion, strife, frustration and various stresses? Jesus, Jesus gets me through. He gets me through prayer, his words, dreams and friends. All of these are his tools for right now I am in His synagogue praying for what the future holds. He humbles me continually and gives me strength reminding me that he is there always. The little blessings that bring such joy are my talks with Lao friends a far, my BSF group and a few friends here and there that I am still in the process of getting to know but are willing to take the time out for me and meet me face to face.

Too often we say serve here, serve there, serve NOW! For there will always be a need. Not there is anything wrong with this this is definitely honorable and necessary. But we forget that people need time to grow, to prepare their hearts before they burn out. In due time all should serve the church and community but in due time, because sometimes the Lord just wants us on our knees in the synagogues.

Bittersweet Days

Today I am super sad. You see the tree in the picture, well that tree is gone. It has been gone for awhile due to construction but now they took away two others. I'm such a tree hugger! I mean what can possibly be so important that we don't need trees anymore. Sufficating in the mess being created.

Today I am also starting to tutor a Chinese Doctorate student. She is really sweet but pulled an Asian idea of time on me. LOL! We were suppose to meet at 12:40 for lunch and then I would leave around 1:30 to go to class but at 12:40 she called me and said "No, I'm not here." "Where are you?" I asked. She said "In my office working what time will we meet?" Trying not to be impatient I wanted to say "Um duh hello now!" but supressing my frustration I said " Well, I thought we were going to meet now?" Her response "Oh well I am busy can we meet after lunch?" Me "Well, that won't work for me I have class till 3:30 (which ended up letting out early) How about 4pm?" "Okay" then we discussed where.

So it has just been one of those days worthy of laughs. Two hours of time today I could have waisted today but you know then again rather than being frustrated I choose to use some of it to pray. Thank you Father for giving me pain so that I can see your pain. Thank you God for frustration that keeps me on my toes and reminds me of my own flaws. Thanks for friends and families to pray for but most of all thank you for this time of being no matter how many emotions rummage through my head I know that you are more important than anything on this earth I could love. Thank you for loving me and accepting me as the wretch I am. Thank you!

Dreams

Awh How I miss Laos somedays and the laughter of innocence. During one teacher workshop my first year teaching a lady was teaching on Martin Luther King Jr. and dreams, granted she was also breaking up the lesson so that the Lao could teach it if they like. Anyways, I was discussing together with two other teachers about their dreams and how they could accomplish them. One of the teachers said "Kat, Oh I have lots of dreams and wonderful things that I think about but I mean I just could never do what he did." I turned to her and said "Why not?" She looked at me as if why was I asking the most ignorant question of all times and head jerk backed said "Duh, he was a king!" I giggled a little but tried not to too much before explaining that that was his last name. She found that so odd. Thankfully both of these teachers spoke great English so I could clear it up a little. The things we never think about until they happen, such easy misunderstandings.

Martin Luther King Jr. may not have been a king but he was a wise man. "Like anybody, I, would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now.I just want to do God's will." He understood that although he was not a King he served a greater King, the King of All Kings. We may not be queens, kings, princesses, or princes but we are in some ways because we are all God's children. He loved and created each and everyone of us for his pleasure and glory. As it talks about in Philippians 4:13 we can do all things because he gives us the strength too. Don't give up on dreams just make sure that they are not just your dreams but also the dreams he has for you. For God's plans are not man's plans(Isaiah 55:8, Proverbs 16:9) but he has far better things out there.

God's so Creative

For those of you who known me long enough you know I have always had an obsession with colors, believe that everything is somehow connected and has meaning, but I cannot always connect the dots but God can.

As I have been reading Isaiah over break I have been reminded of what a creative God we serve. He is many things Sustainer, Teacher, Friend, etc..but how often do we say creative. I mean we know he created everything, is both concrete and abstract, is the "I am" but creative as in thinks outside the box. Creative as in connects things and gives them meaning. Creative as in goes before and does things in a way that others aren't willing to try. Yeah, He's the most creative being alive!

Isaiah 1:18-Did you know that scarlet and crimson are dyes that both come from the coccus ilicis? This worm climbs a tree, lays eggs, then coats itself with reddish liquid killing itself and sealing it's offspring so that when they are born they can feed off of its body. Wow! The foreshadowing of Christ in his creation. Amazing! Read this article to know more Insects:Incredible and Inspirational

Isaiah 54:11-12 -Did you also know that sapphire is often used to describe heaven or more accurately lapis lazuli which means intensely blue. One article I read said "Stones in themselves have no power, but they do speak of the power and glory of our God."

So true- what do we reflect? We ourselves have no power but we can hope that the light shining through us reflects the power of Christ.

Isaiah 41-Even the trees he chooses to use have significance- the cypress, myrtle, olive and fir are all almost impossible to kill some because of their roots, some because of their cones or seeds but represent the everlasting one.

Then there is acacia which literally means cries or expels water only our King can truly satisfy our thirst. There is so much more ingenious displayed in his word and I am sure that I don't even know the half of it, but I know there is always more to learn from Him.

Today I am so thankful for a God who cares about the little things and is big enough to conquer even them. He cares about what interest us whether it be sports or painting, writing or sleeping, etcetera and he covers all grounds. He is truly amazing, patient and creative filled with a love that only He can give. Thank you for dying for me, loving me as I am and accepting me as your flawed daughter. May I never quit learning from your examples Lord!